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Site Finale "Have A Bitchin' Summer" - Burt
Ziggen: This is it. We're almost out of free webspace, our time is running short, and we have lost all patience.
I wish I knew html....at least. But I don't.
We'll be in MO for till August '03 when you can find us in Iran.
Actually, if you are able to find us in Iran, we probably got problems.
I'm engaged. Neither of our parents know about it yet.
"Won't they find out when they read your webpage?"
Like this is the kind of thing I'm about to show my parents. If you
thought that statement, you're on my long list of people not invited to the wedding.
...cuz you're stupid.
It's way longer than the guest list she is making up.
If I haven't already told you that I'm engaged (for some 66 hours now)
and you are hearing it here first, then its probably pretty safe to assume you aren't invited to the ceremony.
I'm trying to talk her into registering at the army surplus store.
I think we're about due for our first lovers' quarel.
It's gonna be a blood bath.
I can tell she's the one for me because she laughed and told me I was
cute for joking about beating the snot out of her.
She won't stand for my violence against my own children, who I will
own!, jokes though.
True love overcomes all obstacles though.
That or we get divorced.
See? She thinks that's funny. You think it's disturbing. That's why
I'm not marrying you.
Since I'm gonna be away for so long, we got each other rings to hold
on to till then. I've been wearing mine around since I got back Sunday night and none of my sharp-witted roomates who ususally
jump on the chance to make fun of my jewelry selection made a single comment about my man-ring.
It isn't a man ring. It's tight.
So, yeah. The site's been a blast. I think next spring we'll buy DaveHohman.US
(.ASS if it's available) and learn script and make a sweetass page...or just get a blog and link it up.
A digital camera would make my job so much easier.
Along with our webpage we're thinking about writing a guest column
for the UA daily newspaper, The Wildcat. I got connections with the editor-in-cheif because I used to bug him while
he was trying to work on the school paper in high school.
The high school newspaper ate ass.
We're out of here.
Reunion Post! We kinda felt like we left ya all hanging there with
our last post. We didn't say good-bye; we just left.
I made my last non-stressful visit to campus right now. Came down to
the computing commons to print out my POS 394 problem set that is due tomorrow.
This place is so quaint on Sundays. Especially on the last Sunday before
summer. Kinda makes me wish I had something to work on.
I know I've made some impressions about my roomates over the course
of this website's span but here are the final ways I will remember the guys I live with at the 10-2-2.
AJ - Recently arrested on aggravated assault charges for kicking and
biting two nurses. This proves to me that violence against women is funny.
Jeff - Told me to clean my footprints off the walls of my room. I told
him they weren't mine. He pointed out the second toe. Good job, Jeff. You will be a good highway patrolman someday.
Dan - Isn't home...as always. But he'll prolly get back later, try
to say something about his low-rise jeans; then move back in with his parents.
Grant - Watching the Twins game because the Timberwolves were
violated by the Lakers.
Bryon - I don't know where he is...but he'll probably come back
later, say something about his normal-rise shorts and then get some Burger King.
Updates on other people who have been mentioned on the site:
Logan Dick - For a dead guy, he'll sure be working a lot
of hours at the UA art museum. 10 of 'em each week.
John Brown (Bryon's friend who almost died our house the
first week of school last fall) - Is apparently coming back to Central Arizona Community College because he dumped
his trashy fiance. Good call.
Jason Colavito (guy who wrote us emails) - recently took 4
second place finishes at the 5A southern region track and field championships. Possibly a new record; too bad the team got
5th and not second.
Which brings us to our, Dave's, furture. You can't get a hold of us.
But when the counter at the top of this page hits zero - you can expect DaveHohman.Com to be up-and-running in some way.
05/02 It Takes A Leap Of Faith: Writing
papers isn't really all that tough. It's like having to answer any other test question except that you get to explain your
reason and put in your own touch of pizzazz.
I know some people have problems writing prapers or doing essay tests.
But for the sake of an ASU education, when a paper that's due yesterday is worth a third of your final grade. do your best
to not show up a half hour after the assignment needs to be handed in.
And if you do happen to show up after the T.A. has already taken the
papers to his/her grading liar, act flustered and overwhelmed, not high/tired/lacadasical.
My only real complaint with writing papers in college has been my inability
to concentrate on the topic at hand. I mean, we have an enormous library and most teachers encourage students to perform their
research online.
I hope some fifth grader visits out site then cites me as his
source for his paragraph on just how shitty France is.
Little Billy, I know I said some things before....and I was right.
The french suck more and more each day. By the time you actually report just how assbackwards the french people are, you're
analysis will already be out of date.
The french have been becoming more assholish expontially since the
Febuary 14th of this year.
But back to writing college papers. My best post ideas always come
when I am trying to concentrate on putting together my essays. Many other fine, non-academic ideas, also come to my mind when
its crunch time.
This post was obviously concocted after my paper was finished.
I don't write down my outside ideas when they come to me when I am
working on a paper. I did that during my midterm paper this semester and the end result was 12 pages of jibberish
that, after I completed my assignment, were barely legible.
I think the great ideas that people come up with while they are doing
papers or only good ideas in relation to sitting around and typing up pages and page of anger.
I mean, on any other random day would you really give credit to the
idea of making your own internet comic strip, drinking Walt Drenth's weight in rum, or making a pipe bomb based
on the directions of the Jolly Roger handbook?
He said pipe bomb! Look out! Red flag! Raise it!
Security has just gone from shitty to kinda shitty anyways.
The Lakers played again last night. Since they are still playing as
we write this, I got nothing to say about the outcome of the game.
I know everyone loves to hate the Lakers. When I look at the Lakers,
I think of my two reasons for hating them.
First, the fans. If you know me you know I would despise the Hollywood
crowd that goes to basketball games because, to them, its just another sign of their prestige in their little breats
implanted and collagen ejected world.
Second, and this is the bad one; when I see Phil Jackson with his little
LA haircut and devil-like facial hair, I feel heartbroken. It's like he's using his powers for evil now.
I feel similiar to the way I did when I found out Hulk Hogan, who had
told me to always take my vitamins, had joined the NWO and was a "bad guy."
That day, when I was 13, I quit taking my vitamins. I had a little
health left in me, but by 15 I had stopped growing altogether.
Fortunate for my brothers, who at two years older and seven years younger
than me, have role models that do not sell out for a shot at the title belt or who star in movies called Mr. Nanny.
That's why they're both taller than I am.
I read something today where someone said something about
how the Bible isn't against homosexuality. Well, I did some research and you knew I was gonna find it in Leviticus
20:13
If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of
them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death.
05/01 Maybe Somebody's Coming and I Don't Know
Who: This is interesting. We didn't notice until someone brought it to our attnetion last night but each of our photos
this week has been of a king. So, we'll make sure tomorrow's photo fits the criterium.
I'm a little burnt now. Finished up the writing part of a twenty-four
page paper for my terrorism class last night. When we get up today we'll throw in all the footnotes, bibliography, and the
such then turn in, "America's War on Terrorism: An In-Depth Look At The Face of War After A Jenny Jones Make-over"
For a third of my final grade, I suspect the title alone will guarantee
me a B+ in the class.
I highly recommend getting Professor Jordan if you get a chance in
future semesters here at ASU.
I realize this is a rather futile suggestion since most of our readers
don't live in Phoenix, live in Phoenix and don't attend ASU, will soon be ASU graduates, or attend ASU but do not attend their
registerred classes at the university, and to you people, Professor Jordan is a small, old ,white woman who is well educated.
A friend of mine is going to recieve her undergraduate degree next
spring. It will be the end of her third year and by the end of her fourth year she will have her accounting masters and/or
MBA.
She also helped me decorate my room in the house. I was informed that
we only got carpet in it yesterday but I hear it's tight. It'd better be. We dropped an extra $80 for the extra padding.
The house is gonna be sweet too. Way better than living with my parents
although only about a fifth the size and without a pool, spa, or pets.
You'd think I'd be bummed but I'm not. Preliminary plans are
calling for a backyard mini-golf course, a wine cellar, a new *extended* driveway, and a sweetass mural across
out sweetass garage doors.
I've been having a pretty hard time finding the proper Zelda decor
though. I'll ask around when I get in the army. Maybe they have some classifed ads for all the employees or something.
You know, because I'm 31% gay.
I took some online test that gave me those figures. And I was
pretty liberal with answering gayish to those questions. Those numbers, apparently, are below the national male average
of like 37 or 39 percent.
The cool thing is, for all my gayness (screaming that I am gay
in public, admitting that I am gay, beating up girls as a declaration of my gayness) I scored about the same score as
(in some cases less than) my roomates who all claim to be hetrosexuals.
I've never actually seen any of those guys knockin' boots with
any cute honies. I've always thought that a lack of game was an subconcious plea to not order the fish taco. These guys
never order the fish taco.
They prefer foods like corndogs, blowpops, and noodles.
I remember when the goth/raver kids would have those stupid candy necklaces.
What fuckers.
I used to get all angry and uncomfortable when freaks (not genetic,
the ones who choose to be outcasts) would do weird shit around me in public for attention.
First there were the piercings. They got 'em all up on their faces
and neck and all other wierd-ass places that the good lord made soft for kissing, not for sticking metal through.
Then they started doing drum circles where they get all hopped up and
dance around. They thought this would scare me off. Far from it. I have zero rhythm. I'm less black than Jeff. I love their
wild, anything goes-style of dancing and making music.
Those fuckers.
Really, the one thing I can imagine them doing to make me reach a point
to get violently angry would be the following (and you know they're gonna figure it out someday and I'm just gonna flip):
They'e gonna hang around sucking on flavored condoms.
"Fuckers they are" - Yoda on these fuckers.
I hate the idea of it too, but you know its gonna happen. They just
do shit like that. Hopefully they'll all stay too burnt out to realize they could really make people feel uncomfortable doing
that.
But if they do somehow figure it out in one of their "visions"; well,
then I insist you grab a pair of gloves and a knife and help me take out the trash.
04/30 Choice Hops: Jeff IMed yesterday.
Told me to check out his new site.
This is his fourth one....that I know about.
Amazingly, all the names he wanted were already taken. He never updates
these sites but he's always pushing me for press. I told him to just update an old site instead of making a new one.
Then he sent me this link; the newest Jeff Dodge internet creation. And I can honestly say its a
good site.
...for me to use as an example of exactly what is wrong with America.
A short explanation could cover the facts that: his favorite band doesn't exist, he's about ten pages into his favorite
book, and he is yet to see his favorite movie.
A more detailed report would also touch on his cute naming of proper
nouns; i.e. 'Hotlanta'.
I think a Congressional-style report would also be sure to touch on
the gay "Welcome" icon, the fact that he's on his knees for a high school basketball player, and the sickness any site visitor
would feel from being force fed the site owner's father's last name.
About the Lebron James thing -- its like this. Everyone knows the Olsen
twins (and the youngest daughter on 7th Heaven) will be hot when they're 18+. But until then, you gotta distance yourself.
Another point: buying their products doesn't count as having Jordan's
"strong black influence," because, if that were the case, you'd have to add in Aunt Jamima and the black guys on the minute
rice and cream of wheat boxes.
However this is an improvement from where America was 3 months ago
when I took my last snapshot of our popular culture at the Super Bowl Halftime Show. By this I mean, At least his site doesn't
promote the worst in music as well (yet).
So that's that. His site's linked and I gave it a brief review and now I don't feel bad
about eating his Peeps.
Then why I am I still angry? Oh yeah, because a couple nights ago when we went to
the Vine for Dan's 22nd birthday Jeff wouldn't stop telling me how urban his pants are because they have a hole in them!
I have no doubt that jeff would survive in Compton or the *new* Central L.A.
That's another problem with our society too. When suburban Jeff can go out and purchase
things that would suggest that he in underprivileged, and thus, cool.
If it weren't for being able to buy being oppressed, I wouldn't have spent that year
in college.
The Vine's awesome though. They have a Guns 'n Roses pinball machine. It plays songs
from the Appetite for Destruction album while you play.
Dan and I beat Jeff and Grant in 5 games (of 5) of pool that evening.
You totally knew jeff wanted to throw stuff but he was in public...
I'm doggin' on Jeff too much today. After all, the guy has gone to
class once in the past 4 weeks (to take a test).
The 821 got new carpet yesterday. I haven't seen it yet (obviously)
but we sprung for the extra padding so it should be awesome.
I saw an ad for Bruce Almighty today. I think it's gonna be a good
movie.
If I had one wish it would be able to fly...and fly fast. I'd have
a hell of a time with that. It's be cool to just swoop around and it'd be convient as well.
I think the coolest thing would be to freak people out with it though.
I'd be all flying around on my daily routine then I'd go way high in
sky.
Everyone would watch as I climbed higher and higher into the various
spheres in the sky (like the strato- and such).
Then I'd stop flying.
I'd flail as I fell to the Earth at over 100mph. People wouldn't
notice as first because I'd be just a spot in the air.
People with binoculars would be the first to see. At first they'd
be surprised, then they would tell their loved ones to look through the magnification lenses.
A murmur would come about the crowd soon enough.
Crowds murmur because they don't want you to know what they're talking
about...especially if it is your upcoming demise.
When I get into a better visibility range I would start flowing in
bits of flying. Like a car sputters when it's trying to run on nothing but fumes.
I'd fall....then I'd catch myself and loop up for a second just to
be hurled back at the world that loved me so.
It would have to be a new concept to see a man falling from...nothing. I'd
be above all the buildings and there wouldn't be a plane in the sky yet I would be falling.
By the time I reached the roofs of their tallest downtown buildings
they would see no more dips or flips. Now, I would just be trying to, somehow, limit the devastation.
As I reached the asphault I would throw on the flying ability and hover
(hover is like neutral for flying) less than an inch above the ground, face down.
Later that month I would sit down with Diane Sawyer and tell her how
I tried to fly to the Sun. But when I got to close, my power was stripped from me momentarily.
I'd have a tear rememberring how I got it back just in time.
The next month I would make my first flight since. Probably off a cliff
over a late summer's evening meadow.
The world would love me even more.
04/29 Bonding With the Audience: I saw Lewis
Black live last weekend. I think he's the best comedian I have seen ever. He might possibly be better than Norm McDonald.
They're just both in seperate realms. Its like comparing the best slice
of bread ever to the best biscuit ever.
I am yet to see Norm live though.
Anyone with any brains would have enjoyed Black's performance. I mean,
you gotta love any guy who opens with, "I hate Scottsdale. I mean, could those people be any fucking richer?"
After the show I went to my first ever fraternity party.
If you take the above quote and replace "Scottsdale" with "Scottsdale
and Fratboys" and "richer" with "I hate you", then you have my feelings.
Good thing Lewis had put me in a good mood.
Plus, because this was my first frat party, and normally at people's
first frat parties they end up being sexually assaulted by a hosting member, I actually attended what we call a Frarority
party.
Q. If rape is a crime of power - not sex- then how can Dick-slapping
someone be sexual assault?
A. Because Logan probably Dick-slapped whoever you are right in the
boob. Hard.
We miss you Logan. I just want to give one up for my boy, Logan. We'll
meet again someday.
This is a frarority party because the frat that's holding it has chick
members in their academic club.
There is a sign on the wall in the dining room that proudly proclaims
the name of the "Theta Chi Engineers". Impressive and threatening, I'm sure.
Normally I wouldn't step foot in a frat house without a BFK (big fucking
knife).
Saturday was no exception. Even though the theme of the party, Bums
and Hoes, made me a little so angry I wanted to get shooty.
Who would dare suggest that women could only enjoy themselves at a
music-night if they were scantally clad? Especially when the men are encouraged to dress like the homeless.
I'm gonna guess it was the short guy with the tucked in hawaiian shirt
with the pocket protector that kept waving his hands in the air in a manner that would suggest a lack of caring.
Don't worry he gets stabbed later in this post.
I'd be a good frat member because I could haze the hell outta people.
My brother's too nice. He's all, "I remember hazing and how much it sucked."
Hazing sucked because of people like me. I'm a doer.
I got special treatment because I was the brother of a member...and
because I was wearing my periodic table of the elements shirt.
Just kidding. No bums wear shirts with the periodic table on them.
I wore the camo capris though because those are like the little black dress for men.
Fast forward to when some dude's all being a bitch. I don't know exactly
what happened but I will give you my account.
I'm standing there waiting for my beer when this dude with a lumpy
face starts talking to me. Apparently he got jumped the night before by "four thugs" at some party. So, he was kinda watching
his back tonite.
I told him to relax. This was invite only frarority party. I must have reached him cuz
he seemed to really chill after that.
Next thing I know, there's some loud noise and some dude gets pushed into me. I spilt
my beer on that nerdy guy with the hawaiin shirt from earlier. He turned around and was like, "what the fuck, bitch?"
So, I reached for my knife to stab his face of but it wasn't there.
I'm kidding again. It was there and I totally stabbed the face off that guy.
Then the bitch who was playing door nazi got all pissed and told me that was her boyfriend
and that I was "bitch-ass nigga."
I'm sure, by now, you all know that at this point I just started swinging.
04/28 Ride On: Alright ladies. I leave in
like 3 weeks. No more phone numbers. Thank you.
Nah, I'm just kidding. I'm always up for a rousing (or "arousing")
game of nude freeze tag.
So, I'm driving back from the Old Pueblo yesterday and I see this
car coming up on me via swerving through the Sunday afternoon traffic.
For some reason, Sunday afternoon traffic is busy. There probably aren't
anymore drivers than I race with on Fridays, but these are the infamous, "Sunday Driver"s.
It must suck only being able to drive one day a week.
And driving like a woman for that one day a week.
Whever I listen to the song "Sweet Misery" by Michelle Branch, I think
of when I was playing The Legend of Zelda: The Windwaker. I don't know why though.
So, this old magenta taurus...
For our regulars, magenta is in the red family.
So, this red taurus is swerving in and out of traffic getting up on
me. I'm stuck in a line in the left lane going 70 because a big RV is trying to pass a piece of shit RV. Red taurus is hauling
up on our right and I'm hoping Green Volvo in front of me will peel him off on the shitty RV.
Then the doucheface swerves in front of me! She could have gone in
front of the car in front of me but something told her that cutting in front of me was the smart thing to do.
It was a close cut two. Like Jeff's goatee.
I was gonna flip out. By one other person's unnecessary danger-move,
I was at risk of a crash. And with the way this bitch was driving (and my total of zero aribags), I would have ended up walking
away from the accident in a wheelchair.
Whats worse, though, is that the taurus has a handicap plate! This
old broad already had two strikes and was really pushing death here!
I mean, if I get in a wreck, I'm not gonna die. I might end up
handicapped and have a second chance at life.
This bitch is handicapped! You know where you go from handicapped?
Dead. You go to dead handicapped bitch.
I don't know why you don't lose the handicap title. Seems like she
should just be a dead bitch. But I guess that's just like flammible and inflammible.
It really opened my eyes to all the drivers I run into on my 100.2
mile trek. So...
- Guy in Ryder Truck - You're on a straight stretch of road. Do you think it would kill
you to go 60? I mean, what kind of damage to your "cargo" are you preventing by driving straight at 50 as oppose to driving
straight at 60?
- Everyone going my direction - when the cop has someone pulled over completely off the
road...on the opposite side of the highway with a divider inbetween, there is no reason for you to throw on the brakes and
kick it down to 35 till they're out of your site.
- Guy in the semi - since you're truck proudly boasts being #666 in the
fleet; I think I have a legitimate reason to not want to drive right in front of/behind you.
- Guy in truck writing stuff down - I know you think you need to take
note of the crap you see around the highway so you can put it on your unpopular webapge, but you're kinda flying around here
in at 80mph so maybe it's just best that you keep your damn eyes on the road.
04/25 Cold Turkey: I am by
no means an attractive man. I can't find a hair-do that looks decent for the life of me, my sense of fashion is remarkably
terrible, and my overall natural beauty has much faded since when I was a toddler (when everyone is adorable).
Is there such a thing as being "sexually adorable"?
Not for babies, you sicko.
You know, for like chicks who are supercute but it just doesn't feel right to call them
"hot".
I'm not one of those either.
When it comes to uglies, I like to think of myself as a bit of an expert
on the subject.
The Dixie Chicks. One of the few times I've seen Rolling Stone put three naked chicks on the cover and I wanted to grimace.
Not hot.
Never. Don't even try. They just remind me too much of a barnyard.
I'm not very good at a lot of other things too. I can't play a single
musical instument. Although I do spend a good portion of my time daydreaming about hopping on stage during Freebird to play
the last 5 minutes of it all crazy-like on a grand piano.
That'd be my dream. To southern rock on a grand piano. I'd be like
Kenny G....but way cooler. Totally above that Phillip Glass guy.
That ain't gonna happen though. I'd get all scared up there on stage
and do something dumb and that would be that.
If I practiced really hard I bet I could do a duet with Bill Clinton
though.
I like Bill Clinton. I never really paid much attention to anything
about him during his reign in the oval office. But since I have been watching more old Saturday Night Lives these past couple
years Darrel Hammond has forced me to fall in love with Bill.
I'm no good at impressions. If I was though, I would be sure the Bill
Clinton switch was always on.
I have a guy in my Terrorism class (POS 394) named Yassir. He
knows quite a bit.
For some reason, I am not surpised in the least.
Know what else I like about music? When they put in sound effects in
place of swear words.
That "Up in Here" song by DMX is my favorite. Dogs barking and chains
getting dragged and 'Woo!'s and whistles going off.
"Suck my WOO!" Thats what rap is all about.
I'm realzing right now that this is what you get when you sit down
and start writing without a purpose.
"You're whack, you're twisted, your girl's a WOO! You're broke, the kid ain't yours
and everybody knows. Your old man say you're stupid, you be like, "So? I love my baby's motha. I never let her go."
I don't get how people can just sit down and start writing and suspect something intelligent
to come out.
Listen, your WHAT! is about to be missin'. You know who's gonna find
you? (Who?) Some old man fishin'!
I am currently conducting an internet research project that proves one must have purpose
before they start typing or what they put just comes out as jibberish.
Although, if I wrote half as well as this in any englich class and added in that George
Bush is a tyrant or that I am some fat chick, I would swing a B.
In closing, if you're in Phoenix tonite or tomorrow -- try to go see Kevin Nealand at
The Improv. He's the heazy.
Matthew 6:34
Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.
Each day has enough trouble of its own.
One...Two...Meet me outside. Meet me outside. Meet me outside. All my rough riders meet
me outside. Yo Yo Come on Yo Yo, Meet me outside. Somethin Somethin Somethin' bouncin' again bouncin' again. Come on yo yo.
Bouncin' again.
04/24 Sweet Home Alabama: We didn't
update yesterday because our stupid Cox cable and interenet was down the other night/day. I bet you thought our posts were
just getting exponetially worse so it was no surprise that they were no longer even visible yesterday.
Well, you can eat off.
When I leave this house here at 1022 S Ash, I will leave behind some
great memories and few people.
These few people -- AJ, Jeff and Bryon -- are looking for roomates
to live with them next year. Are you interested? If so, here is what 2-3 people could be looking forward to spending much
time with next year.
The house: This fine structure comes complete with a busted gate,
busted screendoor, busted washing machine, puke-stained carpet and a slumlord who'll ask you about random crap any chance
he gets. Other highlights include its location that is minutes from the ASU campus and about 15 seconds (by foot)
to the train tracks. The backyard comes complete with a playhouse and the front has rose bushes. AJ fertalizes both of
them twice a month via his alcohol-induced vomiting.
The people you will be rooming are three unique individuals with their
own senses of style, flare, and masculinity.
First, Jeff. Y'all might know Jeff from his guest post earlier this
semester. The 21 year old will be a senior next year. Jeff runs track and hates running (as you can guess; much hilarity
results from this). He is pretty laid back and a very nice, Christian man.
One thing in his room that is so Jeff is his meditation foutain.
A sign of relaxion and innerprosperity; this thing has been unplugged forever and is starting to get a dirty film on the rocks
that will make it practically impossible to get going anytime in the new future. Oh yeah, that's Jeff alright
Jeff's latest craze is death. Apparently he has
a ruptured heart disc or something that they're gonna fix. He's gonna be ok but he walks around the house talking about how
he's not gonna make it through the end of the week. He claims his last days are now then he sleeps for 14 hours. Its
nice because he won't bug you about making long-term plans but its bad because he'll keep borrowing money from you and intends
to die before paying any of it back.
Last Night Jeff almost got thrown out of a sorority
softball game. Why? Because the other team was mostly native americans so Jeff started "ho-ya-hi"-ing and doing the tomahawk
chop.
Your next roomate will be AJ. AJ is a fiesty beanie-wearing little
devil who lives in the depths of the front living room. Whoever you are, odds are AJ hates you. But not to worry
ladies (and select men), when he gets hammered he'll full-body hump ya. It'll be the ride of your life. Perks
of AJ include his boxes of old crushed candy, his t-shirt collection, cotton shorts, and his existence as the only non-ASU
student in the household.
One thing in his room that is so AJ is, well....pretty much
his body. I mean, that is his lair and not many people know what goes on in there. All I know is that
he hates anyone and when he drinks he does....things. Otherwise, he likes hockey, pulling pranks on Jeff, Warcraft 3, and having
contestest with Jeff over who can sleep the most.
AJ's latest craze is hockey. Now that the
Minnesota Wild(?) hockey team has made the semifinals against Canada, AJ has become a loyal fan, watching the games while
ESPN sends updates to his cell phone via email. In fact, for the last 24 hours he' been working on making his hair bleach-blonde.
As of yet, it's just pretty yellowish. You might be able to get a good look at it here.
Last night AJ answered four of my questions without
talking about much he hated me and wants me to die. Then he threw me out of his room for being bad at Grand Theft
Auto: Vice City. Later, when Dan asked him how the hair was coming, AJ returned by asking Dan, "How is my ass
coming? Perhaps you can give me an update later when you are eating it."
Your final roomate will be Bryon. Bryon's a stressed out pre-business
major who reminds us of nervous guy when he plays basketball. He hasn't been around much, what with his job at the show store
and then his internships or whatever it is that business students do. I always thought business people were in frats but Bryon
isn't so it shows that he does have some sense of intelligence.
That's right. You fratboys can straight-up balls off for all I care.
One thing in his room that is so Bryon is his television.
The pride and joy of his hard work and the fruit of his embezzlement loins; this flat-screened, plasma-screened, sound-dealied
television set is silver. It looks pretty cool when he dusts it off. It has all the sound crap and visual blah-blah that
makes a tv great.
Bryon's latest craze is screwing people into living
here. Hell, he's the one that wanted us to write this thing. We wanted to spend today writing about how jacked Bush's new
tax cut is and how ass backwards it is that Saudi Arabia's like 400 member royal family receives exhorborant stipends from
the oil business while terrorists keep flowing out of the shithold land that is good for nothing but oil and religion (which,
in America, are the same thing). Anyways, his buddy Clay might move in too, but we really don't know whats going on around
here cuz, well, we're gonna be dead.
Last Night Bryon called from the prelaw school or something
and wanted me to tape The West Wing for him. When I told him Jeff was already recording something, he mumbled something about
Dawson's Creek and someone being a pansy then hung up.
So there you have a brief overview.
04/22 Yrma Eht Nioj: As the counter above will tell you, its about four weeks until go time.
We went down last summer and we'll go down this summer as well. Our last day will be May 18thish.
Till then, Peter's should guest post sometime. There'll be another edition of the Hohmeys and some other crap.
Why is it called The Real Cancun? Im sure it sucks.
We'll have something up for sure next Decemberish at the latest.
I'm tired again. I think I have SARS or something.
4/21 Some Birds: It's a crushing day in a boy's life when he realizes that his father isn't
perfect. The loss of those feelings of total security nearly brings tears to the eyes of a few.
It never helps when you realize your own imperfections either. I know people whose lives fell apart when they get
accepted to their first pick colleges. I know people who snapped when they didn't win the league softball championship.
I realized this past weekend that my imprefection is that I hate minority/equal rights groups. Each and every
last one; I cannot find a single group that I would support.
And I tried to find one. I've been trying for a couple months to find a group that I would liek to help. Many have suitable
causes, but the way they go about pursing, well, pretty much anything pisses me off.
Most notable are protests. But there are other things that piss me off as well. I'm not a big fan of anything that
physically gets in my way or anything that inhibits the total tranquility that I demand for every moment of every day of
my life.
But, yes, as I was saying....not a single group can I stay interested in. I went though practically every group
and I just can't find one that I want to support. In fact, it makes me want to utilize my white-maleness to hold these
people down even longer (and possibly even harder).
Before anything else, there are 3 groups that are completely and totally out of the question to receive my support. No
matter how much they please me, I will not join any sort of support group for organizations looking to improve
the condition of:
1) Anyone playing the race card -- I refused to get sucked into this color game. Light, white, caucasian, European, Pasadenian...it's
all the same to me. I just don't get in this Amazonian monkey trap. Never ever.
2) Animal rights -- Come on. They're animals. The same people that want to get on my ass about this want to get on my
ass about how great natual selection is. I think we've won the Darwin race so we get to have beef if we want.
3) Environmental rights -- I don't care enough to be well informed. It also maqkes me angry. Angry and violent....
So, I figured it would be good to support the people at ASU in the Gay/Lesbian/Asexual/Transfestite/Transgender/Trasient/Bisexual
club. Supporting gay rights is pretty hot right now so I thought I might hop in there.
But, Behold!, they managed to piss me off. That's right. I am not gonna hang around
I'm tired. Screw this rant.
For Won-Ate Something To Not Passover:
Ah yes....Friday. So, where to begin? Well, Zero, I will be in Tucson again this weekend. I would probably prefer that you
just leave me alone.
First, we've gotten a fair response to our visual from Wednesday's
post. We don't have the Anna wallpaper available for download. It was a custom project that we really don't have the bandwidth
to be offering for download.
Second, I got an email from William Lewis today. If you don't know who Will is, he ASU's Cheif Information Officer.
Considering how much information is on this campus, I am assuming he has assistants. If you attend ASU you probably got his letter too.
If you don't go to ASU (or never check your email), I will enlighten
you briefly. The record industry, upset that their profits are questionably being cut via copyright violations
due to college kids illegally downloading music, is on ASU's ass to get student's to stop abusing the awesome ethernet connections in the dorms.
I say questionably because some guy did a presentation once and said
that file sharing actually helpped record sales...but he was an addict so I don't know.
I guess because of the size ASU, a university with a student population
of roughly Kenya, the RIAA thought to really hammer on the school along with many other colleges in the country.
And so, Willie sends out his email. Not much for substance or entertainment;
it basically hits the key points of the situation and has a few links.
This doesn't really effect me yet I am still annoyed. Apart from the
usual complaints about the RIAA bitching about illegal file sharing...well, lets touch on a couple of those in the first place
because I agree.
First, the RIAA rapes the musicians. MTV
did some kinda special on how rap stars got it so rough now that they are out of the ghetto and not getting shot nine times!
anymore.
Then, the RIAA rapes the buyers. I haven't recently purchased any cds
because I just download the things I like then burn them, but I understand that we're getting up near the $20 for one album.
And the whole albums aren't even necessarily good because you got a
list of artists who are riding 2 or 3 popular songs then add 40 minutes of filler tracks on that baby.
But this is their right. Exploit whoever you want. Welcome to America.
We only care about "righting this wrong" because it saves us money [insert war on Iraq comparision here].
So what's my problem? First, I understand that college campuses have
large amounts of young adults and thats prolly whose stealing this stuff. But for the record, the dorm connections for programs
like Kazaa and Morpheus end up being pretty slow most of the time.
My real problem is really with ASU. Who is the record industry to be
telling ASU how to handle their connections? Yeah, anti-copyright rules are good to have in case a student does get busted
big time but what has the industry ever done for the school that merits us going out of our way for them.
RIAA doesn't fund the school's ethernet. They don't sponsor any
programs for ASU. They're nothing more than a bunch of opportunistic leeches. ASU and any other university that doesn't hear
from these crooks until they want something should dismiss these requests and deal with their own internal problems first.
Lots of businesses have trouble every year. God forbid an industry
that has a monopoly and practically owns other human beings might have to change its policies just a little bit
so that the Jimmy Wings down at Palentine Records can still live their rich lifestyles based on the talent (or simple appeal)
of other people.
This is all apart from the fact that music isnt going to go away or
die off. Maybe its just time for a reform in the system and that doesn't bring a damn tear to my eye. 99% of the cds out there
are crap anyways. So, I really don't care.
So, in closing, I don't pity the RIAA one bit and, as for ASU, I am
really disapointed. This email should have been all the time you spent on this matter. To actually crack down on any students
for doing a little downloading/uploading on kazaa is bad enough. But then to do it to the nerds -- the one group that actually
gives ASU some sort of integrity (like those kids that built the Mars car -- almost shows just how assbackwards the whole
system can be sometimes. My suggestion: let them pay for the school's connection then put them in charge of monitroing it.
Yeah right. And I'm gonna stop eating meat.
04/16 Island Postal Service: Turns out my stalker is a lesbian.
I know. Gasp, right? I'm shaking my head too. That is some crazy new information.
I'm totally in the dark about the whole situation now.
Jason wrote us another email Its entitled littering and... littering and...smoking the reefer
Dave,
Well, before I begin, I would like to say that your decision to go to war is admirable and patriotic although
Operation Iraqi Freedom is unjust or incorrectly titled. I'm going to go with incorrectly titled
because it's the justest war since dubyadubyaone. Why don't they just call it Operation Kill Saddam or Operation
We're the Best because the Iraqi people are going to be oppressed by forced democracy and capitalism I
think they wanted something more media friendly. But I think you should do your own part at home by participating in Operation
Shut the Hell Up and Stop Asking Questions Before I shoot You. I mean, its fairly obvious the citizens of
Iraq are greedy possession mongers as they have ransacked basically everything in Baghdad. Just wait until they have
an opportunity to make some money, then they will turn into the tribesman in that Simpson's episode where Homer introduces
gambling; destruction. I'm totally with you there. That office furniture should be the American forces'
to keep. My contract says that I get keep anything I rape or pillage while abroad. If I were there you'd see a lot more dead
Iraqis...and journalists. But Dave, I support your decision to go and rough up some Republican guard
soldiers and unruly citizens... Thanks J. That means a lot to me. Just for that, I'm gonna rough up
a local for you and bring a few kid scalps home for your collection.
Currently, my running has been going well.
I ran 4:28 at Chandler and then this past wed meet I easily ran 4:32. Your are getting slower.
I can't see how that is indicative of your running going "well". This Thursday, I have a meet in Casa Grande
and I hope to run in the 9:30's for the 3200. Oh yeah, I'm pretty sure your 800 record is intact Sweet.
That means my record will have stood longer than Dan's. His 4x800 too. but Joe's record for the mile is
attainable but may be impossible as ODC always changes his record time "Impossible but attainable."
You aren't just going to college because of your horse, are you? I did have that same problem though. Except that
ODC hated Dan so he would have raised Dan's time for me if necessary. I suggest getting a spy camera and some Taffy
then taking a photo of the record list and eating the taffy. Anyways, you should come to my meet on
Thursday for the 3200... Way to draw my interesting with the boringest race in high school track since
the shuttle hurdle relay.
So I was at a party this weekend at Emich's house. Oh
yeah? She still a ho with no boobs? She decided to have a theme party with the theme being "hoe-down".
In all my ignorance, I thought a hoe down was a gansta party with a bunch of hoes, but to my dismay, the party was cowboy
theme although there were many hoes in attendance, Elena to name a few Man dude. You must get out
of the house like...never. Everyone knows barnraisings are making a comeback along with denim and being poor..
Well, I guess smoking cigarettes is so hot right now as almost every "popular" girls were smoking them. Its
actually part of the criteria; along with sucking dick and being a bitch. I have no problems with cigarettes
but why not use a substance that actually changes your state of mind which allows skinny guys like me actually have a chance
with a popular, and most often hot, girls (I'm not saying I do take advantage, but come on, I'm only human) I read that as "I'm not saying I take advantage, but I take advantage." When you do take advantage, be sure
to punch them in the face so they're friends know not to mess with you. Also, when I was at the party, some
suave mexican pretty boy was freak dancing I wouldn't call it so much dancing as I would "Grinding"
with some hot girl at our school and he fuckin had braces. So, I was like, do you realize that guy has braces?
braces are so middle school. She probably dug it. Most popular girls were molested by udes with
braces when they were 11. So, really, it's all they know...but don't tell her you know. She'll want special treatment
or something. And look at the way she was dressed when she was 11; hussy was asking for it. Luckily
the guy was drunk and I was able to escape with little harm. My point, Elena knows how to throw a party but does not know
how not to act like a hoe...I disagree. Just because you cant score a rimjob off her in her own home
does not mean you cant score a rimjob off her pretty much any other time or place.
That's all for now so I
hope to see at my track meet on Thursday. Because I know how to get to the high school in
Casa Grande and gas isn't helluh expensive. Well, you'll know its me by the pornography at the 200m mark.
-Jason
-Dave
|
| My Desktop |
04/16 Ride The Magic Bus: I
think The Learing Channel is a great channel. I think a lot of other American's think so too. I heard that TLC had one of the biggest increases in viewers in 2002.
Actually, I made up a believable fact that TLC made a huge rating jump
in 2002.
Either way, its still a great channel. Everyone has one show they
like on that station.
I prefer Trading Spaces because it is so full of homosexuals that
I think carpentry may have gone as gay as the entire steel industry.
One person who does not like Trading Spaces is Jeff. Jeff hates it
simply because there are no dunks or anything that remotely resembles a touchdown.
I bet Jeff would spend the thousand dollars by putting 5 pairs
of Jordans in his neighbors bedroom and call it "redecorating". Then he'd spend the next 47 hours trying to sneak into his
house to see what they are doing to it. Then he'd tell that cute host that he's gonna cut his neighbors if they touch his
shoes.
Jeff skips class to look at shoes on the internet.
Jeff skips class to look at throwback jerseys on the internet.
Jeff skips class to post on the Nike discussion board.
Jeff goes to class on days that he knows we have a video so he can
sleep.
Amazingly, he isn't the best study buddy.
So, Monday in class I looked deep into Anna's eyes and she looked back
me in a slightly shallower fashion. I didn't mind though. She's only a girl. I asked her if she wanted to study with me Tuesday
evening.
She was smooth. She didn't let on at all. A cool, "Sure, come by my
dorm around seven" was all she said before walking out of that classroom like a little brown-haired Jessica Rabbit.
Its good thing my beard is getting nice and full. I might chop it into
a full goatee soon. It's a good thing I didn't have to tutor Jeff but got to go to my old Palo Verde West dorm.
So many good memories in PVW. Walking out on the ledge, throwing stuff
off the ledge, getting written up for keeping our shoes on the ledge...so many aledged scandals.
Yesterday at about eighteen-hundred hours Jeff came into my room. He
woke up only a couple hours earlier so his eyes were still crusty and the back of his hair made devil horns.
"Dude, lemme look at your notes" "Sorry man, I gotta go to
Anna's. I told her I didn't want to tutor your athletic laziness to a passing D so your dad can buy you a new car.
Besides, I think she's wearing that blue top I like."
Jeff immediately told me I was lying. Fine. So, I started to leave.
"Not so fast. I'm coming." "No dude. We don't have time to tutor you.
We both go to class. That's why we're studying together." "You're lying! I'm gonna call her."
Jeff stood in the doorway while he dialed the number. He paused when
I told him she was in a lab so she wouldn't answer. He looked at me and said I was lying. So, he kept dialing.
"Fine, I'm lying. Call her. But you can't come." Jeff paused again.
He was torn in so many ways that Dan's hernia would have looked like a paper cut. After a couple breaths he
dialed the final digit. "Dude, if you're going i am going to follow you."
I made a break for my window.
"Hello Anna. This is Jeff from religion class...are you studying tonight
with Dave and if so can I come?" There was a short pause then he started screaming into the phone about me deceiving him.
I grabbed the phone and told Anna she could come study with us later
though. She telesmiled and said she might come over later. Anna is always such a good sport about me using her in my pranks.
Jeff felt I owed him my notes now. I told him I'd let him
study them if he drove me to Kentucky Fried Chicken. He told me no and turned to leave the room.
On the ride to KFC Jeff wouldn't say a word. But it was probably
for the better because I was singing along with JT on Cry Me A River.
When we got back Anna was waiting for us. She had on that blue number
that I like so much. She takes good note too. I was glad she came over.
Lucky for us, Jeff went to bed early.
When we were done Anna stood up and told me that she thought she knew
everything she needed for the test. Then she opened her arms, expecting me to give her a hug.
I stood up.
And that's when I just started throwing punches like crazy.
04/15 There Goes My Hero: I'm the man.
I know I tell people that a lot but I think it is important that you know I only say it because it's true.
Yesterday's first big victory came at 6:46 Arizona Standard Time. At that moment I jammed my Master Sword into Gannondorf's
head and saved the world yet again. I'm the first person I know to beat The Legend of Zelda: The Windwaker. It hasn't
even been released in Europe yet. I rule.
My second victory came later at Fazolis. There, I set a new record in eating some seventeen breadsticks with my meal.
I think I could have eaten more but we had to leave. This win has made me feel terrible and put in me in pretty much zero
condition to post. I can't type without pain in my side.
04/14 Something For The Heart: I like
my new hotmail account. I always wanted one but I never signed up because I didn't want
something generic for my e-postal destination.
I want to be EarthManDavidHohman@KickingAvril'sAngryFaceIn.ASS
But
that would cost money and, I believe, it is impossible to be at ".ASS"
Hotmail's free. I like that. I also like that
I don't get spam there. Then again, I've only had the address a week.
I also like hotmail because they have little
link on the inbox page to
interesting and well-written articles on the Microsoft Network. I like to look
at the relationship
links.
Yesterday they had a link to "10 Ways to Pick Up Chicks" and "10 Ways to Pick Up Guys." I clicked on how to
pick up guys because I know I can't pull any of the things MSN wants me to use to get chicks.
I figure, this way, I
can tell if a chick is trying to pick up on me. It will help me better read the fairer sex.
Those techno-relationship
experts are just that too. I saw an article on How to be a Good Boyfriend and I quickly clicked to see what I faltering in.
#7
was pay attention to details. Now, if you know me personally, you know I
don't do details. So shove off. But the article
was right. If you're gonna score you gotta remember what you know and be consistent.
You can't be pro-choice just to
get her in bed then tell her the truth (that you have morals!) when you feel emotionally connected. That don't get ya seconds.
I
told a girl once that I thought her shirt looked like a pirate shirt. At the time, I must have thought I was pretty cute.
But as the relationship deteriorated exponentially, I forgot about the shirt and my stance on it.
Then when I was getting
"the test" she wore that shirt again (for like the second time in months) and asked me what I thought.
"It's fine"
is usually a conservative answer that gets me through the day.
Granted I didn't really care about...well, any of this
at this time. But when she called me on my inconsistency, I lost a little leverage.
But "Come On, Bobbo!" It had been
months. Maybe I had matured past the point of defining womens clothing by sea scoundrels. And the shirt just kinda
looked like a pirate shirt. That means on any given day it may or may not be a pirate shirt. She asked me on seperate
pirate and non-pirate days!
I didn't think of this at the time though. I was on the spot. I needed time. So, I just
sighed and started to peel the wrapper off my Nutrageous.
"Think brain! How can I twist this around to make it look
like her fault?"
Apparently my inability to stay in the conversation irritated her and she
swiped my candy and
threw it into the neighboring room. Then she stood up over me and started yelling at me. Then I stood up.
Needless
to say, at this point, I just started swingin'.
04/11 Every Step I Take: I like having
a website. If not for the national attention or the bling bling it brings me, I like how I can direct people to it instead
of having a conversation.
"How was your weekend, Dave?" "Visit the website." Done.
Sure it does have its downsides too. There is a lot of cool graphic
stuff I can't do because of the limits on Tripod (and my limits as a compujenius). And somedays, like yesterday, I just can't
get in the groove but I have to put something up there to feed the critics. Then it leaves those bad post and bad statements
I made months ago up for my opposition to publicly critique.
I would say my enemy count is fair to high.
I like enemies because I know where they stand. Against me. No matter
what I do, they will think it is wrong.
Me "<insert anything here>"
My Enemies "Wrong you racist!"
I live to hate people who live for routine.
And I'm not racist.
Ok, I'm not a racist.
The worst are people who love me though. If you can't see any fault
in me, I'm reluctant to try new things because I don't need to be fresh.
I have a stalker who loves me so much that...well, she stalks me. And as I explained
how these inverse relationship works, it makes me hate her enough to want to stalk her.
But days that I don't have the drive to do a five-to-seven minute post,
I'm not going to feel like following her from McDonalds to Naturally Women to the Baskin Robins/Dunkin Donuts combination
place..
What a vicous cycle. I mean, if you are stalking a stalker, does that
mean you both just sit there on opposite park benches staring at each other?
This chick learned about me through the website early this semester.
Apparently she was just like any other visitor until I called that loser Blake Stepp a loser. She IMed me to
tell me that he is not a loser.
Damn thesaurus. I could have sworn that was a synonym for "Whitey who
can't make a wide-open eight-foot shot for the win."
She also told me she had a collage of the photos of me that are on
the website. How flattering to know some crazy's got photos of me at boxingmania mixed in with all my haircut photos.
That really isn't koshir though.
Psychohosebeast'll probably try and dig up Logan's body to reinact
many of those photos I'm in with him. But jokes on her! I got the carcass in the war room at our house!
Anyways, as with all girls that talk to me, I tried to be as mean
as possible to her. But Stalky was different. She just thought I was trying to flex my proverbial muscles. As if
my talking about punching girls in the face is some kinda mating dance.
My mating dance is slipping something in the punch at the middle school
dance.
That or the Electric Slide. It's electric. Boogie woogie woogie.
In one of the letters she wrote to me in blood, it said, "You are such
a rebel. I like a bad boy like you."
Well, I suppose I will make an old woman blush and I'll make a young
girl squeal.
I tried to disprove her theory about me being the new Fanz. My story about how I volunteered
with kids at a battered women shelter really backfired when she, somehow, found out that I kicked some kid who was trying
to get out of the room.
He just shouldn't have tried to escape. And it isn't like I grabbed his gun and shot
him.
So, where does this leave you? Well, nowhere different from where you
are now. If you have any photos of me or locks of my hair, you might
want to put those in a safe place. I highly do not suggest that you IM my stalker. Mainly because everytime she IMs me she starts with 2 Samuel 13:30
He took the crown from Milcom's
head. It weighed a talent, of gold and precious stones; it was places on David's head. He brought out immense booty from
the city.
Not because I hold it close to my heart or anything. I just don't like change.
You can call it central but it'll always be south-central in my heart. Besides, what ever happened to "A rose by any
other name..."?
Anyways, I found out some more cool things in my army job description yesterday. For starters, I get to interrogate people. I
also get to tap people's phones and computers.
I'm really looking forward to tapping people's phones.
I'm also looking forward to getting our new house fixed up. Its gonna be the bomb.
I'm tired. So this post it done.
04/09 No Thunderstorm, No John Wayne:
Last week Duke called me. He was giggling like a man-broad and told me I should post
about those people who walk around smiling.
A feel good post. We don't do a lot of those. Maybe.
Wrong, he hates those people. He can't stand the idea
of other people being so happy on the inside that they smile on beautiful Spring morning. He hates them so much that he wants
me to tell you about how horrible these people are regardless of all the rapists, murderers, terrorists, and white collar
criminals stealing from us (read: Michael Crow).
Duke's going to hell anyways. So that is the last we'll here about
that.
One good thing about Duke though is that he questions me
on everything. It keeps me on my toes because I know he is always trying to catch me. One such incident was a few weekends
ago.
We were watching television when one of those army commercials came
on. I think it is the one for the arctic commandos who are scaling some mountain to plant a flag in the name of national
security.
If we'd only had those flags placed all over the middle east during
the Clinton administration.
Duke asks me, (in a sarcastic tone), "Which of these commercials was
it that made you want to be all you can be?" I wanted to smack him.
I'm not all I can be. I'm an Army of Dave (read: An Army of Sugar and
Spice and Everything Nice).
But it did make me think. Think fast too. Because with brothers, its
not about the answer, but how fast you can come up with it. I scanned all the propaganda in my head. Then the truth hit me.
It had to be the Marine's commercial where the dude is in a volcano
or something and then he defeats that firemonster. That was the commercial that made me realize I wanted to join the Army.
I do not want to fight any firemonsters.
Those things freak me out. I didn't even like playing Doom. I won't
even touch Diablo.
I like the Army commercials. They're positive. They're all, "Sure its
hard. But you can do it." and "You get to go home to your family and play basketball in the reserves."
I don't like the water so I'm not about the Navy. Although I did like
Down Periscope with Kelsey Grammar.
He has alcohol problems. So does AJ. Lucky for Kelsey, he has a Simpsons
character.
So, Army it is.
I also like Duke because he subscribes to Vanity Fair. It gives me
material.
04/07 Race This! I don't know how these things get started usually. But last weekend, it was
because AJ was turning 20. Around here, that becomes reason to have an Everclear party.
Stupid Around here. You know we're just asking for trouble.
- Jeff was drunk. When everyone was out front a car drove by. Jeff took off after it. Ever wonder what would happen if
a drunk guy ran down a car? He would run into the back of it and fall down in the street.
- AJ, too, was drunk. When Bryon and Derek were going to race to the stop sign, Dan was at the finish to call
the winner. He saw AJ walking down the street and rambling on the phone. Dan grabbed the phone, hung it up then told AJ to
watch the race. AJ screamed, "Race this!" and took off down the dark street.
- Dan and I went looking for AJ. Along the way we were crossing the street when a guy, making a left hand turn around us,
said to us, "If you weren't such morons, you would have crossed the street by now." I think this statement bares repeating,
"If you weren't such morons," You know, stupid people. "you would have crossed the street by now" You know, exited the intersection.
I wished I had something to throw right then, but I didn't. So I spit on his little woman-truck and Dan threw his gum
at it.
- Also on our trek some black guys made a comment on "What the hell are you [David] wearing?" In reference, I'm sure, to
my flannel pajama bottoms and camo shirt combo. So, I turned and looked at them in their ghetto fab-wear. Then I looked
at Dan. He nodded. So I took off my sandals and yelled, "It's authentic tribal wear!" Then we bolted. Once
we were over half a mile away and less than 10 miles away from them I knew we were safe.
- Turns out all along that AJ just hid under a car down the street. When he got back he called his cell phone and left a
message where he cussed himself out and told him how much he hated himself. This was before he threw up in his room and in
the front yard, but after he hurled in the backyard and spewed next to the garbage cans.
- Anna, in-between unexplainable crying fits, managed to punch Bryon in the face three times. Actually, the one time I saw
it she hit him below the ear. I didn't really get that part of the night very well.
- That curly-haired chick who always get supertrashed got supertrashed. She was falling over stuff as usual. Jeff did the
same thing, but at twice her size was much more devastating to the furniture. It also made him seem threatening when he got
mad and threatened to beat people. He's just a big pussycat though.
We're not gonna update tomorrow because we're going to be in Tucson buying a house. We'll be back Wednesday.
04/04 Going Somewhere: I enjoy hearing
about other people's hopes and dreams. Way more than I like discussing my own. Partially because I never reach mine, partially
because I never work towards them. But all because I just don't like to be vulnerable.
1 Chronicles 12:23
And from day to day men kept coming to David's help until there
was a vast encampment, like an encampment of angels.
I like rooting for other people too. Makes me feel like I am doing
something as part of the support group. Makes me want to go to a Sidewinders game. Makes me want to go to the Kids'
Choice Awards. Cuz you know Madonna means it when she says she couldn't do it without that orange blimp award.
I'm 20. No longer a kid. But I will share with you my dream.
I always thought the coolest jobs were in sports. Sure, movie stars
and musicians had it pretty good too. But they have to actually find good scripts and stay on top of things in Hollywood or
wherever they rap out of.
I can't see myself doing the circuit to promote my new film. Although
I would like to do Saturday Night Live.
When I was a kid I wanted to be an astronaut. Until I learned how much
work is actually involved. No no. I want to go to the moon, not run tests on the moon.
So then it was settled. I wanted to be in sports. Nothing
new. No staying on top of things. Bad teams but no bad movies. No artsy-fartsy teams either. But I'm not good enough at sports
to do it for a career. I was especially bad at baseball.
Although I have been known to hit a few dingers down at the park by
the lake here.
My dream job would to first base coach. It could, by far,
be the best job out there. You get all the perks. Uniform, traveling, authority, and a ring if you take The
Series. I wouldn't even have to think. The third base coach is making all the real calls. I'm just a messenger.
I could make a career out of patting guys on the ass for getting
a basehit to shallow left-center. I could hold their batting gloves and keep a stock of sunflower seeds and bubble gum
on hand.
I'd like to be the guy giving the frantic windmill wave when so-and-so
hits a ball into the gap. I want my look to give him the confidence that it is ok. I want to be the first guy to pat Luis
Gonzales on the back when he gets that championship winning hit.
I'd like to be the guy who gets to decide who in the crowd gets the
foul balls. That's one of my favorite things about baseball.
The concept of "getting a ball"
I "got a ball" once. I was at a Triple-A game like 7 years ago and
the Torros were laying down a cold whoopin' down on Calgary. There was hardly anyone left when some nobody popped one up in
the bleachers near me. It bounced once and this dude had his chance to catch it. When he didn't I picked it up two rows below
him. They offer a free coke and a hot dog if you return a foul ball.
I still have that ball today.
04/03 Reason #45684-B Why We're The Best At
War: We didn't update until late today. Partially because nothing happened, partially because we were hitting a paper
hard.
Bryon expressed romantic interest in Jessica Lynch, the recently rescued 19 year old supply clerk POW who was captured in southern Iraq.
He then noted that it was because he heard she was "shot, stabbed and only caught when
she had fired all her rounds." That does sound like one hot chick.
And she's legal.
I'm happy for Jessica Lynch. I mean, who gets ambushed, blows away a bunch of Iraqis
and then is fortuante enough to get POW treatment? I'm sure I wouldn't get that kind of treatment. There'd be a bullet in
my head faster than you can "material breach".
Especially now that we've effectively started rescuing POWs. Why would the
Iraqis bother taking us prisoner if they're just gonna get shot up trying to keep them?
I wonder if Jessica would be saved over me because she was a supply clerk. Sure, everyone
plays a role in the army, but maybe the republican guard thought if they let her live, it wasn't as if she was going to try
and break free all True Lies style. I mean, I don't think anyone considers the 507th maintenance company to be a Delta Force
in disguise.
But if they were, I bet Bryon would dig her just that much more.
I wonder if Jessica would be saved over me because she is a girl. I mean, no matter
what country you go to and no matter how poorly they treat their dames, there must be some element of chivalry and respect
for a woman who no longer poses a threat. Or personal shame for hurting
one.
I wonder if she would be saved over me because because I have a
big mouth. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that would be a factor. Jessica fought with all she had while she had something
to fight with. But at some point, when you're out of bullets and your sitting there in Nasiriyah with a bullet wound and a
sliced something, you gotta figure you aren't walking out of this battle a winner.
I don't think I would figure that. I'm sure by this point I would
know a few insulting things in arab and just start rattling those babies off. Not to mention the kinds of things I would be
saying while shooting the guys who are ambushing me.
It's just an all-round bad picture and I'm sure it's something the
army would be proud of me for doing because it would include me carrying some extra grenades and a pistol -- cuz
that is how you win wars!
04/02 Come Get Your Knife: I talked
to Karen last night- which was actually Monday night- and she asked if I was worried about the war. I asked her if she meant as an
American or as an army guy.
I don't like to think of myself as a soldier because it makes me think
of No Limit Records. This makes me laugh because I imagine Master P rolling into Iraq in a with his head popped out of the
hatch of a diamond-studded platinum tank. So, army guy works just fine with me.
Regardless, Karen answered "yes" and all I could think was, "If I wasn't
for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college." So, I answered her on both fronts. I told her the following.
No matter what They want you to think, no terrorist has pinpointed
you (or me) as a target. And deep down you know they just tell you this to keep you on your toes. After all, would you rather
they tell you that you're dead and then you lived -- or they tell you it is all going to be ok then you get nuked?
If that happened to me I'd give GW some serious haunting.
So, as an American I'm not worried. I mean, there are as many legitimate
foreseeable threats as there were before. Especially if I were some young hot chick. In that case, I'd be more worried baout
ruffies and frat boys.
"Are you worried about going to war?"
I thought I would be. But I'm not. Then again, any punk-ass country
that can hang with us for 8 months might be a little more than I would want to handle right off the bat.
I don't think it will last 8 months. The occupation will -- but not
the war. After all, there are elections to worry about.
Sometimes I wonder if there are people who vote for the incumbent president
because they voted for him the first time and they don't want to admit their mistake from four years prior.
I think I'd be all about going to Iraq. Not as much as I would be about
going to Iran but definately "all about it". Partially because reports say the liberated Iraqis love Americans and
it would be cool to kick it with these people. Partially because I want to know how accurate those reports are.
But that isn't something I need to worry about for another month and
seventeen days.
(All) 4/1 And One For All: Went back down to HQ yesterday. That place is something else. I
mean, I haven't been down there more than a few times but it really grows on me.I'm gonna miss that old building. I dont
know if they are gonna tear it down (and build a new one) before I leave, but if I am here for it, I am gonna get
me a piece to set next to my chunk of Berlin Wall. So many memories. Most of which I can't post on here but others that
I have. Most notably was the story about shooting the goat that is now the archive for this, the month of April. Well,
funny that certain post should come up.
Turns out that post is what green flagged our site. See, green flag is our (97-Bravo) term for a site belonging
to one of our own (me in this case) that might be a security breach. It's rare but we've caught people talking about
classifed stuff on their online diaries.
So, I got an email Sunday night asking me to come down to HQ (which they call 'your unit') and speak
with Sgt. Terrance N. Phillip. So here is your shout-out, Sarge! As you can see now, I passed. He sat me down with my
site printed out onto hard copies as well as all links that were posted within a month of "questionable material postings"
which are posts that could be a problem. It sure was cool seeing how many pages our archive page is but it wasn't half
as fun as checking out a hardcopy of Bombs and Wagons! So, being the army, it took them 2 hours to expalin
that i cant be putting sensitive information on the site here. That's the army. Give a man a gun and he's on the
front line in nine weeks or less. Give a man a lecture on something he hasnt done and wasn't planning on doing.....2 hours.
So, for everyone's sake, I'd just like to make this clear. Visitors- I won't be able to post anything that is sensitive
on this site. They're kinda watching me. Army- There! Are you happy? Everything I've been building up for months
is out the window now!
Ya know, I'm putting my life on the line for these people and how do they repay me? By silencing me! But
I will remember and I will prevail. Because no one can hold down a man who feels so strongly about his convictions!
03/31 They Got A War On Drugs So The Police Can Bother Me: A couple things I wanted to touch
on last week but, somehow, didn't get a round to. First, our spring break was pretty alright.I was all about playing Blackjack,
rolling down the strip in my grandma's convertable, walking through the streets of Vegas with the finest $5 bottles of champagne
available at 7-11, inexpensive buckets of Corona and Dos X's, and baggin' seagulls with a football on Mission Beach at sundown. It
had nothing to do with Tijuanan women though. Other highlights of the trip included trying to Mike's car stolen.
I can't believe it didn't happen. Its a 2003 and we left the windows down and the key on the counsel. Heck, when
we walked over to Mexico, we specifically told a group of teenagers to go take it and park it in the Pacific (kids don't
listen these days). Oh, and, according to Mike, when we were walking around Vegas all drunk like I allegedly whispered to him
that a woman walking towards us was a 'prostitute.' She responded very angrily in passing. I guess they prefer to be
called hookers.
Also, the Dick Dialogue page has been updates again. Like Tupac, Logan isn't dead and is still producing things....no, just kidding. He's dead. His
roomates found some of his old material and agreed to hand it over to us for Logan's Fans. So, check it out. One other cool thing that I didn't get in last week was the guy at the video game store when I picked up Zelda.
So, I go in and he's punching it up and whatever, then he notes that I picked up the bonus Ocarina of Time game already. Still
on my high of saving Hyrule, I bragged that the game was currently playing the credits at my house. Then, he just
dropped everything and started talking Zelda with me. Asking me how to be different bosses and what his favorite Zelda game
is (jerkwad doesn't agree that it is the Original Zelda). Then he goes on to talk about how the game is so addictive and how
he was up 'till four that morning trying to beat the spirit temple (which pathetic because I had it in an hour and half).
Fortunately, I was sidetracked by Jeff yelling at the Hollywood video employee who was requesting his social security number
for his membership. So, I got my new game, wished him luck with Gannon, and was ready to leave when I
thought, "This guy deserves to hear the truth." So, I turned around and looked this guy right in his gamestore eye and told him
exactly how I felt. I said, "Look at you man. You're staying up 'till 4 am playing Zelda on Gamecube. I'm sure its quite
the woman-repellent but you don't seem to mind. Then, you have to wake up at nine, take off your Star Wars onesy
and put on your work clothes to spend the day here talking to random people about your favorite RPG." He just
gave me a blank stare. So, I made myself crystal clear, "You sir," I put out my hand, "are my hero." He gave me a powerful
high-five and then I split. It was awesome.
03/28 In The End: I'm disapointed with the level of research the media is doing here lately.
I'm seeing on TV that everything they're reporting from the middle east is "not verified". Since when do they report stuff
unless they are sure it is fact? And what is this: They're in a report and something blows up behind the reporter. Instead
of going on with something Wolf is confident is true, he turns around and goes, "What was that?!" Ya know, I could stand around
and ask what's going as well as any of those journalists. They need to do some investigative reporting or something because
these weather reports about sandstorms aren't going to keep me satisfied....ever.
So this all sucks, but I got really angry when I was reading the State Press today and there was an editorial about video games. The author was a jolly looking (read: fat) guy so I thought this is probably
right up his alley. But by the end of the second paragraph it was obvious that this "journalist" was more of a poser
than those reporters in fatigues on Good Morning ______. I mean, this guy didn't even do his homework and I could tell because
he made a fatal non-gamer mistake. He refered to the new Zelda game as "The Legend of Zelda: The Windwalker" when it
is actually "The Legend of Zelda: The Windwaker". See? -Waker, not -walker. That guy never writes anything good
anyways. I'm considering writing a letter to the editor about that guy. But as long as we're on the topic, I got Windwaker on Wednesday afternoon not more than 20 minutes after I
successfully completed The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time. I've already beat the first boss so I think I am qualified
to give a report on my first impressions. Yes, the graphics do remind me of a Disney movie, but they are clear and the gameplay
is excellent. I see a classic Zelda tale unfolding before me. It should be very exciting. But back to hating stuff...
British guy in my terrorism made a new friend today. If you dont know who British guy is yet, he's this MadCowDiseaseBag who always
feels the need to refer to "our rights" "our military" and "our judicial system" as if he didn't bow to the
queen twice as pitifully as the rest of those blimey Atlantic-islanders. I used to think his accent was the most anger-causing
thing in my life from 3:40 to 6:30 on Thursdays. But, somehow, I was wrong. This nitwit had to come in today
and annoy me even more than male spice. I couldn't belive it. Now, I can't tell you what this guy said because
it was only annoying in the context of the class. But what I can say is, this new guy could very well be the worst classmate
anyone has ever had. He knows no limit. He makes points just to contradict himself. Then he wants to argue with my teacher
over things that he is just being a jackass about. See, unlike my religion teacher who gots no ballz; my terrorism teacher'll
tear ya a new one. But today, he even managed to overwhelm her and at one point she just started writing on the board and
"asked someone else to argue with him." So, I took up the responsibility because my teacher was giving out MilkyWay
bars. So, I got into with this guy. Then I used the french in one of my examples and the conversation then went
something like this:
RimjobFace: Don't you get me started on the french.
David: No no. Don't you get me started on the french.
Teacher: Alright, lets take a 10 min break.
While I'm at the urinal, RimjobFace here siddles up next to me.
RimJobFace: I have claws for hands.
David: What??
RimJobFace: Yeah. I'm in a band with Assface.
David: Why am I not urinating faster! I haven't even had anything to drink today!
RimjobFace: But yeah. I liked yiour argument in there have you ever read...
David: Forget it! This is my hell! I'm putting it away and, look, it's still going! I'll just finish
up in class.
So, I zipped up and went to class. Now, my thighs are probably going to burn through the weekend. Oh, how I hate this
guy. He is definately NOT 2 Corinthians 11:5-6
For I think that I am not in any way inferior to these "superapostles." Even if I am untrained in speaking, I am
not so in knowledge; in every way we have made this plain to you in all things.
|
| My New Home |
03/27 In Da Club: Today I asked myself, "Why is America number one?" And when I asked
myself, I wasn't looking for a simple answer. I didn't want to hear, "Because we are free to run our own lives,
pursue happiness, etc." It isn't because our military is unstoppable or because we are birthplace of Bill Gates. I
knew our top-seeding in the world couldn't be accounted for simply because we have a representative government either. It isn't
completely based on our geography-advantageous position or our large population (over 290 million). I mean,
these would make good sense 150 years ago when militaries were men with bayonetts and naval attacks were wooden-ship
vs wooden-ship. But not now; now, the world is far too advanced to be concerned with geography and populations. This
is cold war reasoning and I would like to think that we are a couple decades past that.
I thought economics might be a good factor. The almighty dollar. Accepted everywhere and always strong. The
American economic system is a successful one. And when you got the money, you got the power (So next comes the women). There
are other well off countries, though. Most of Europe is doing quite richely. But they aren't America. I mean, they don't even
have the rockies. They have the Alps! The point is, rich countries all have so much money that they can do whatever they want.
It doesn't matter that America just happens to be the Jeff Dodge at the NATO meetings. I was nearly out of ideas. I was going to concede and admit that, maybe we aren't #1. Maybe we just tell ourselves
we are but, actually, no one cares. That was when the truth hit me.
America, I tell you this, you are not responsible for your position at the top of the international food chain. You could
care about politics or you could not. You can vote any damn way you want. We could fall in another drastic depression.
No matter. We are, and will always be, number one because the countries ranked 2 through 200 care more about us
than they do about themselves. Granted, they care about themselves as well. But do you ever see our public get worked up about
anything anybody else does? No. Why? Because we're better than them.
We don't make us #1. They do. When any of those unseeded nations are electing their leaders, we find out the winner the
next day when we hear that our president called to congratulate them. I mean, Super Bowl champions get that kinda treatment
annually! When we have an election coming, Europe gets all up in arms. They care more about our voter turnout than we do!
They're pathetic. I don't know when America's business became the focal point of their lives (though I could guess it was
when we saved all of them last century) but that is why we're at the top. If they are gonna be watching out lives, they
shouldn't be complaining about how jealous of us they are. We don't care about them (though many of us hardley
care about ourselves) and we never will. They are nothing. Who leads them is meaningless. Sure, you got your Saddams
and Crazy North Koreans. But thats really something our gov't can take care of.
So, in closing, next time some dirty eurotrash filthbag says anything to anyone about anything. I want everyone
to know that no one cares. But if we say anything, everyone listens. That is why we are number one in the world and all
those other suckers are wrestling around for the european championship. We didn't ask to be at the top. Thoe boneheads
put us on this pedastal and now they want to critisize us. Well, this is one American who is better than eurotrash
and will simply not listen to their monarchbabble.
Screw 'em. Those countries are just there to scratch us in those hard to reach area. Which, by the way,
Tony Blair does a very good job scratching.
03/26 In The Still Of The Night: Everybody makes mistakes. I know. Nobody's perfect. I'ver
heard it all before. And I know it is all true. But I think we all wish that, at some point in our lives, we could pick a
time where everything would be perfect. But we are all human. And because of this, we are at the will of fate to determine
our destiny. Big mistakes and small.Preventing them is out of our control. The best we can do is try our hardest to prepare
and trust that we can do the right thing.
Even when we do make mistakes, we hope that they are the little ones. Little to ourselves, anyway. Really, there is
yet to be a single mistake so major that it affects everyone. Sure, putting a little much on a double overtime buzzer-beater from
eight feet away might seem like the end of the world to that one individual. But it is not. The sun still rises and the world
continues to turn, uninterrupted, around and around. When that shot doesn't hit, children still go to school. People
still marry and the dead are still laid to rest in suitable holes in the ground. Never has such a mistake occured that
the entire world was at risk. Chernobyl caused a large evacuation. But only in its immediate area. Jesus was resurrected. Challenger
is now but a tragic event of the past. The space program still thrives. Shots have been missed and shots have been
made for years. The sky still hasn't fallen.
Maybe one reason we have never witnessed this phenomenon is because people are inherantly good. The Powers That
Will have never been so strong that the Powers That Be have been near defeat. In all the wars and all the battles
in mankind's history, the fate of all has never rested on the shoulders of one indivdual. The future of
all has never been determined by the aim of one gun, the slashing of one sword, or the firing of one arrow. Many
wonder the stresses that would fall on the shoulders of the world that would have to wait to hear what will happen to them.
I, on the other hand, wonder what the stresses must be on that individual that must come through. Not for pride, not
for his family, country, or cause. But for humanity. For the good in people that he is fighting for. Personally, I think I
would feel quite overwhelmed.
And I was. Last night, I prepared as best I could. The world was counting on me and me alone. I knew I was
a good person but I had to even put all that was good in me up for grabs in this contest. It took me about 20 minutes
but I was sure to stock up on everything. My quiver was full, my jars held important potions, and my sword's blade was sharp.
I had prepared for this all day. For years actually, because I had met, and defeated, my enemy on occasions
in the past but by different means and in different realms. I walked into his castle wearing my goron tunic, just
in case the heat was nearly unbearable. My Biggoron sword was across my back. I did not even bother equipping my shield
because that particular sword must be used with two hands on account account of its size and power. As I walked
through the dark palace I saw on the ground were all the Poes and Iron Knuckles that I had defeated en route to reaching Ganondorf. He
was evil, he was ugly, and he was waiting for me.
I fought a nearly flawless fight with the master of evil. A couple of his attacks did hit me, but each time I got
up. I could see that he was almost dead and I'm sure he could see the same thing about me. I found sanction
in the corner as he created a ball of energy. Another attack from him that I had to defend or be defeated by. I unsheathed
my sword and swang at the ball of energy at it headed towards me. It flew at Ganondorf just as it had so many times
before. And like so many times before, he hit is back. We rallied the ball of pain back and forth about 8 times
then he made the mistake. It hit him and he was stunned. He was stunned! All he needed was one light arrow and I would
destroy him.
But I made a mistake that would not only be the end of me. But the end of all hope for Hyrule. In my excitement to deal
the final blow to this master sourcer i forgot to prime him with a Light Arrow. I had eight of them and he
was stunned! My magic level was over half and all I have to do was shoot him then I would have all the time in the world
to stab, slash, or smite this madman who had brought darkness over the land of Hyrule for the past seven years.
But I didn't. I made a mistake. A careless, brainless, mistake. I jumped to his platform and raised my blade over
his seizing body. I just started to move it down to finish him when he shot me full of energy. In that infinite
moment I saw the fields of Hyrule green again. But that would end as a vision. I was out of life and he was not. I didn't miss
the last second shot. I never gave myself a chance to take it.
I made the mistake that effected everone. I lead a world of good against a man of evil and then I
lost. I've made huge mistakes in my life. I have let people down. I have given others a laugh and reasons to blackmail
me. I have costed some people money while I have costed others tears. Those mistakes in no way compare to the pain and
sorrow that struck me when I saw Link fall to the ground. Regardless to the 7 years I had put into reaching
Ganondorf, I let down a world.
I am broken hearted. I am no longer a unique snowflake deserving to be loved. I am a dead man who was not able to
save others and because of that Ganondorf has all three parts of the triforce and i don't even want to imagine what terrible
things he is doing with such power. To the six sages, the people of Hyrule and the surrounding areas, Princess Zelda
and anyone who ever had faith in a beautiful Hyrule again: I am truly and deeply sorry. I made a mistake and it has become the
end of everyone and everything. I am not the Hero of Time.
| Failure |
|
| Even the ref wants some... |
03/25 In Your Eyes: Big day ahead of us here. Gonna be drinking a lot of fluids to prepare
for our plasma donation tommorrow. AJ is going to join me and hopefully we will walk out with a cool $20. This will be
our first time donating but AJ's done it before. He said the needle is big and it feels funny when they put it back
in ya. It will be awesome.
In other news, I'm a Dr. Cox. You should take the scrubs quiz above too. We'll toss the link up on the links page for future references. We were wrong about Zelda though. It is released tomorrow. But that's cool cuz anticipation is part of the fun.
And this is a pretty good article from a ways back. I dont like France and I don't like to argue politics so its a slow news week for us. I suppose if you got
really bored or whatever you can always go play some soccer or whatever. Hopefully tomorrow will be better becase we're going Saki bombing tonite (Jeff's gonna be in bad shape).
|
| Loser |
03/24 In My Tree: So much has happened since we last posted. We almost went to war, then we
went to war, then we were in the middle of a war, then Gonzaga and UA kept tying, then UA won, then ASU got smashed,
then whatever else happened. I don't really know. This post is a late day one and since most of our readers are morning readers,
we'll keep it short. Besides, I believe Zelda comes out today so I am gonna want to get my copy and hit it hit it.
The important thing from today's post is that we're gonna take a shot at making some comics with flash if we can get the
program to make that crap. We'll see.
03/13 This is the Way We Roll: Today, I am gone. Spring break comes and away I go. Next
week will be updateless because I will be in the respectable southwestern cities of Vegas, baby, Vegas! San Diego, baby,
San Diego! and Tucson, baby, Tucson! It should prove to be exciting, for Peter Koury should be busy finding me someone
to marry. I don't know what anyone else is really doing for break though. I know Dan'll probably go back to Tucson to cry a little. Jeff's out-of-state girlfriend, Kimby, will be coming in to visit. I am curious to hear about how his ASU girlfriend feels
about this. AJ has some honies coming in from Minnesota. I don't know them but I have been called rude things by Ann. I'm sure Bryon will score with one of them. I haven't talked to Grant, but I am assuming he will score with the other one's brother. So that's that. One important thing you should be doing is
checking out our guest book below. See, last night, in leu of working on my papers, I professed my love to Michelle Branch via her site's message board. I suspect she will return the expression sometime next week. Now now, I know a lot of our site
visitors are Britney fans and I am as well. But I'm afraid Michelle is my new favorite soul mate. I mean, she always sings
about doing stuff for me and how much she misses me and stuff. I just can't help that her infatuation with me has brainwashed
me. So, if you don't like it...Good! It's not about you anyways!
And now, a little John 14:27 action to leave y'all with:
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled
and do not be afraid.
03/13 All The World Loves Things Of Beauty And Intrigue: Look dude. I'm pretty bogged down
with stuff and Duke really thought this paper should go up so he has fortunate timing because I wasn't going to put it up
but now I am. If you don't like it, go ahead and check this out.
Appropriating apocalyptic rhetoric to justify war is dangerous because
it lays the groundwork for severe use of weapons of mass destruction (aka the ultimate male ejaculate; aka WMD). During WW
II nukes were used as essentially containment devices, aimed at inflicting just enough devastation on the Japanese that they
would have no choice but to surrender. Today, if a country armed with WMDs declared war using religious rhetoric, said country
would not stop at the use of WMDs to merely contain, and would be inclined to use their arsenal to achieve their righteous
end at all costs. This could mean, possibly, annihilation of the entire human species.
Admittedly, it is a long leap from war, a common occurrence, to mans
extinction. A war over, say, natural resources would not lead to the end of mankind as we know it. The prospect of mans obliteration
looks more likely, however, through the lense of war in the name of God, the Almighty. Take for instance the Jews take over
of the Philistines as described in the Bible. Joshua, a Jewish leader, was a master of religious rhetoric. He declared to
his people that God is among you, and that he will without fail drive out before you the [Philistines]. (Joshua 3:10) This
proved to be true. All Philistines except Rahab and her family were killed. The implication is that God was not with the Philistines
therefore they deserved to be annihilated. And He was not with them because, with the exception of Rahab, they did not observe
to do according to all the law (Johsua 1:6) as He commanded. Moreover, it did not matter if other Philistines lived moral
lives without the commandment, because they did not side with the correct God during war time. The battle was not about land.
It was a righteous fight by the Jews to show the infidels the consequence of not obeying their God: Whosoever he be that doth
rebel against thy commandment,he shall be put to death (Joshua 1:18). Frighteningly, if the Jews had had WMDs they would have
been, in their minds, justified in using them to eradicate all the infidels.
If a war were waged today and it was believed to be
a precursor to the inevitable apocalypse, there is no telling to what extent religious zealots would go to secure their cause.
Their cause is the future of their soul. God claims, I am he that liveth, and was dead; and behold, I am alive for evermore,
amen; and have the keys of hell and of death (Revelations 1:18). More than simply killing those who disobey Him, God has the
power and the proclivity to sentence them to eternal damnation according the Bible. The zealots, like the suicide bombers,
would be willing to risk their own skin to endear themselves forever to God. Using Biblical stories like that of the Jews
v. Philistines, these Zealots would have justification of their own to carry out holy war. In this day of widespread weapons
proliferation, if a nation were to strike with WMDs they would surely provoke at least an equal and opposite response. Such
a confrontation could easily escalate to yet-unseen levels, especially since God declares that he that overcometh, and keepeth
my work unto the end, to him will I give power over the nations (Revelations 2:26). Kill em all, and let God sort em out, as
my friend used to day. This seemingly extreme view, though spoken in jest, could be unavoidable,
03/12 Maximus Decimus Meridius: Tripod went down again so there was no post the last couple
days.Amazingly enough, even with four days off, I'm still having trouble thinking of things to post. But I guess that's why
there are sites like SuperAJ.Com and TonyPierce.com. I don't know why thinking up stuff is so hard these days. I used to have lists of topics and rants but now updating
almost feels like a chore. I think it was that long, unexpected outting my server a few weeks ago. That thing totally
threw off my vibe. And now with the thoughts of spring break vying for brain space against terrorism knowledge,
religous knowledge and knowledge of religious terrorism; I just feel overwhelmed.
Stop complaining, Danielle. You have a highly lucrative and successful webpage. Life is good. So why don't you just
suck it up and write something down?.....That's better dry that eye and let's post.
Last nite I remembered a topic I wanted to write about quite a while ago but forgot about until we returned to
play chess at the coffee plantation again. See, during my two matches tonite (a victory over Jeff, a more hard-fought victory
over AJ) I looked around our friendly coffee shop and was amazed to see all the non-stereotypical nerds. Yeah, I saw Revenge
of the Nerds too and I know we all have a little geek in us but these people we're definate Tri-Lamda material. For example,
there was the group of people subbing in and out of a fast-paced game of Magic: The Gathering. They were interesting because
they were all over 40 years of age. There was the table of girls throwing crooked smiles at Jeff, the
gay guys studying Hamlet (also throwing smiles at Jeff), and then there was us. The guys with the busted-up chess set and
the newest, most computeriest phone being used to access Cosby Show websites where the guy who wasn't playing would read
the website to the two guys playing in a robot voice. Then they'd all have a good laugh and make a comment about sports to
try and reinforce their studliness. The point is, nerds truly are everywhere. But this opens a new question: who
are the biggest nerds and where can they be found? It should be no surprise that the answer is on the internet. What's
surprising is how these nerds fell right into our hands.
Here is where we found, what could possibly be, the products of the biggest nerds in the universe. These guys
might double as trekkies or human-calculators on the side, but far and away, these guys have grounded themselves in nerd
history when they wrote fan fiction for The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. To cover our pride, we only stumbled
upon this page looking for an answer to a question we had about the game. But when we stumpled, we found that FAQs and Walkthroughs
are only cover-ups for pages that are practically devoted to fan art, Zelda-based humour, and fan fiction. Now I like Zelda as much as the next guy and I admit I am enthralled by the story of the
Triforce, the princess, the evil force and the hero. But, fan fiction is where I have to draw the line. Only in
the world of video games do people think of more ways to tell the same story that inevitably ends with Link defeating
Gannon. I mean, there must literally be hundreds of Zelda-related stories floating around. And there is so
much of the fairies and the gorons and the swords and then you got the hippin' and the hoppin' and the bippin' and the boppin'
and then you put the jello in the kodak film and you got the puddin' and the hey hey hey! It's truly wild what these geeks
are doing. It makes me wonder, if they had the resources, could they put together a totally awesome Zelda motion picture?
My guess is no. They'd do something all crappy and add in their stupid stories and bogus mathematical equations and take out
all the awesome violence that a Zelda movie would have to have. So, pretty much, what I am saying here is that these
people are completely useless and I hate their fan fiction stories. They make me wish I had the master sword and the
Hyrulian Shield and I was squaring off against them and only armored them with the wooden boomerang and the Kokiri sword!
Yeah...that would be delicous.
03/08 It's Just Overkill: Last night, Jeff, AJ and myself went down to coffee plantation to
have some drinks and play some chess. Bryon met us down there later. Anyways, Jeff had been talking smack for weeks about
how we was going to beat me. So this morning, in a little trash-talking of m own, I asked Jeff, "Would you rather I beat you
quickly, or shall I toy with you?" He just got all mad and dared me to do it as quickly as possible. Well, I'd say it took
about 9 moves to tame that big beast. And this was after destroying him in Medal of Honor earlier yesterday. So, as everyone
else played through the evening, my #1 ranking in the household has been proven to be accurate. But the most amusing matches
must be between Jeff and AJ because they think every sinlge move is "bold". They could open a game by moving their queen's
pawn one space and the other will sit back and say, "That bold move sure put me in a pickle." They also allow each other to
take back moves when they realize it will cause them to lost their queen. I believe AJ vanquished Jeff's queen five times
during one game before he finally accepted it. However, the highlight of the night had to be during the match between
Jeff and Bryon. Jeff was nearing checkmate when Bryon was taking a long time to make his move. Jeff, anxious to get on with
the match, yelled to nearly the entire coffeehouse, "Damn dude! You only four pieces to move and two of them can only go one
space forward!" Chess is fun and we will probably play again tomorrow night.
Another important event happened yesterday and that was the arrival of the rest of my computer parts. From now
on, we are updating this page from Blaxar, the sweetest desktop computer in Tempe, Arizona! We've already fallen in love with
Blaxar and entend to use it to do some magical things. Like adding bible passages to our Friday posts. 1 Maccabees 2:57
David, for his piety, recieved as a heritage a throne of everlasting royalty.
Finally, we just saw a commercial for 1-800-Free-Love (phone sex) and one of the girls was wearing a confederate flag
bikini. I think that is great. But we need to get back to installing stuff on Blaxar so have a good weekend.
03/05 Night After Night My Heartbeat Shows The Fear: The Arizona State University student rag-mag,
the State Press, reported today that there are more senate seats open than there are candidates running for them. I read this today and it made me sad. How can we, as a student body, complain
about getting jerked around by the higher-ups when we don't have enough people willing to simply stand as our
representatives? This is, of couse, ignoring the fact that a single-digit percent of the student-body actually votes. (The
honors college is the one exception to these rules with too many people running for senate and too many people voting).
We can yell and skip class and march on the lawn all we want, but since no one listens to us out there, we
need to have hard-working, driven people in the student legislature to be listened to!
Yeah sure, you are all thinking, "You sure are preachy there, Dave...Considering your excuse for not running is
your lack of attending this large university for the fall 2003 semester." Well, I am not going to let you all
turn this on me and make me the bad guy! So, as of yesterday, I have announced the throwing-in of my hat to the College
of Liberal Arts and Sciences Senate race. There are currently four candidates running for the four open postions,
so this won't be as easy as taking candy from some emo kid. But I think I found a great way to level the playing
fields which I will tell you in minute. First, if you want to vote for David Hohman here is how.
ASU students click here. Everyone else, click here. ASU students, sign in to your Userrite account then scroll to the bottom and click on "Vote for main campus elections". CLAS
students, here is where the leveling of the playing feild comes in to play. You will see the names of four suckers who actually
got a bunch of signatures to get on the ballot. Then you will see four write in boxes. By putting David
Hohman in each of those four boxes, you may write-in vote for us four times when the other candidates
(read: morally loose communists) only have one shot at receiving your vote (not that you will give it
to 'em anyways). So what do I promise you if you vote for me? I promise a mockery of the system! You know the school newspaper will interview
me and I plan on making them rethink the election criteria that just set up last year! And I will individually thank each
of you who voted for me personally (considerring I know who you are). I will also suggest that the Senate spends money
on stuff that you suggest I spend it on! And only you people who vote for me...the rest of those people can just sit
there and take it. I also plan on doing some other awesome stuff but I really don't know what the Senate does; not to mention
that I won't be at ASU next semester, so I will get back to you on that awesome stuff. But I'm not going to drag this
out, vote for me. Me, David Hohman.
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| Jason Colavito, far right |
03/04 Day After Day, It Reappears: Jason Colavito e-mailed us again. This kid is a glutton
for punishment. So, here we go again. As always, our responses are in italics...So, Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com responds to an
email entitled "It's your birfday":
Dave, This better be quick, Skippy.
I'll get down to business. Good kid. First, track is going well. I have my first track meet on Saturday in Rio
Rico. Apparently, it is an all relay meet with "highly competitive 3a schools." Yeah, like that phrase doesn't
contradict itself. What? You look at your team of band geeks as competitive in 5A? Maybe if acne
becomes an event... Anyways, I'm running the anchor legs in the 4x1600, the DMR(1600), and the 4x800. Only 3 events? You making that guy who looks like Rick Moranis pick up the slack? Do 4! ODC
said that I should try to run the races like a workout, but that is probably out of the question considering our depth or
lack thereof. Also, about track. I have noticed that there is always the standout band nerd on the team. You know, the guy
with pale skin, curly hair, and oakley sunglasses. No man, Dan didn't even own a pair of
Oakleys. Well, this year, I see this guy in the halls sporting his letterman jacket with "woodwinds" on the back
and he thinks he is my best friend just because I'm on the track team. I think this guy is an excellent
candidate for hazing. I'm thinking something similar to the forced sodomy that the chess club gave you. Maybe
if he scores some points I will consider him a legitimate member of the team, but for now, I say don't
talk to me.You shouldn't judge him just yet. He might be a great asset. I mean, I'm sure he could
get you access to the token band-chick all the percussionists pass around. You know which one I'm talking about. With the
braces and the wirey hair...yeah, that's her. Finally, about track, we did the infamous 20x200 last week
and I tore that shit up while hitting 29 seconds on the 200's. It is still as hard as I remembered...
Moving on. I went to the Grand Canyon this past weekend and stayed the night at the bottom. That
is the dumbest thing I can imagine anyone doing over the weekend. What are you thinking? Then, the next day
I hiked back out That was a good move. all the while every hiker I encountered asked if
I camped at the bottom. It's like, no, I just enjoy carrying a 40lb pack with a sleeping bag on it on a day hike. Well who fucking told you to bring your doll collection, Tracy? Stupid people. Also, I suggest
never to backpack as sleeping in a tent sucks ass and living without modern amenities is a drag also...That
isn't a fucking newsflash to anyone! It's why we live in houses in the first place and not in fucking cliff dwellings...You
need to rap this shit up, man.
Finally, I highly doubt I will attend ASU next fall.Pussy.
I guarantee I won't be at ASU next fall! After your informative tour, by "informative
tour" you mean us taking you to the strip club while you ditched your tour group? Awesome. I realized
that the only reason I would go there would to possibly run or get away from my parents which still lurks in the back of my
mind. Besides, there is no reason to attend as you will be kicking ass in Iraq. Korea and/or
Australia. Iraq is beneath me and my goat-shooting buddies. Anyways, that is all for now except someone
in my Gov class heard that a Miami police officer "accidently" ran over two french tourists.That would
be way cooler if the french tourists was the German Chancellor. Awesome.
-Jason
-Dave
Want us to respond to your email on the site? Email us.
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| This guy better be glad I'm not interogating his ass |
03/04 I Worry Over Situations: Tonight I asked myself the eternal question, "War, what is it
good for?" Turns out, it's good for a few laughs. I know some might say that war could never be as much fun as,
say, a barrel full of monkeys. Those people have obviously never seen any of the great war comedies, such as Hogan's
Heros, MASH, Stripes, In the Army now or Full Metal Jacket (if you can't see the humor in that...). Last night, we saw another
great comedy that followed in Paulie Shore's footsteps (but a few thousand years earlier). It was a greek play called
Lysistrada. It was about the women of greece stopping the wars by abstaining from sex with the warriors until they agreed
to make peace. It was wierd because the head abstaining chick was Lysistrada and I graduated with a hot (but psycho)
chick named Liz Estrada. Anyways, in regard to the play, I like a good penis joke as much as the next guy...so I
really enjoyed it! But it was also presented by the womens studies department...which meant there was a catch. The catch for
this event was that over one-thousand other acting groups were performing this play today as part of an anti-war protest.
Fortunately, I was carrying my "Peace had its chance, now give it a break!" sign. Anyways, I thought it was a good play,
especially when no one mentioned the war with Iraq. But there was one guy sitting in front of me that I knew would play
an important role before the night was out. He sat there silently in his punk-rock leather coat with his Movie Geek hairstyle
while the entire story passed by on the stage before me. He didn't say a word the entire time. Just sat there chain smoking
like a pro bowler. I had to ask myself, was I wrong? Was this guy nothing more than another Army Reservist
trying to be entertained for 90 minutes? Hell no. He was just building up my anticipation.
At the end, they said "Thank you for coming out." That guy took it as his cue to yell, "No war!" No
one reacted but me. And by react, I mean I laughed to myself. So he turned around looked at me. So I looked at him.
Then he stared at me. Then I stared at him. Then he turned around and I went home.
So, if I learned one thing last night it was that the spartans enjoyed anal sex.
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| Mortal Kombat Trading Card |
03/03 I Think About The Implications: I experienced three great things this weekend. First,
on Saturday I went to my first wedding ever. It was nice but mainly because I was in charge of music (read: hitting play on
the CD). But we scored lunch and cake so good luck to Karry and Christine Smith.
That afternoon, I watched the entire first season of Scubs. Man, it was sweet. AJ totally reminds me of the janitor while
Grant seems more like Dr. Kelso.
But before that, on Friday afternoon I had to go do some "Pre-Going To War Arms Qualifying" with some current 97-Bravo's
(CounterIntelligence Agents) from my unit that were preparing to get shipped out. Which, for me, meant just playing around
with some guns I'd never shot before and getting an idea of how bad I am alongside some dudes that actually have to be
able to shoot accurately before going back to college on Monday. Well, surprise surprise, I wasn't the worst one there! That's
right! After some warm-up clips, I really got the hang of just leaning back and blowing these targets away! I'm not gonna
bore you with all the tests and details, except the last test that I thought was the totally sweetest thing I have ever seen
and it's really what makes me think of the Army as nothing more than an enormous local militia. The final test of the afternoon,
which by this time was the evening, was, what I call, the William Tell test (They don't actually call it that but it scored
me a good, macho laugh with the other CIAgents). See, we're outside at the shooting range and the sargeant brings out
a goat. I was like, what the hell is this? Apparently, to make sure these guys have the guts to take a shot,
they stuck the target (these little orange can things we'd been using) on the goat's head and it was our job to shoot
them off. Now, of the ten of us, 7 hit the target, 2 missed over the can and one unlucky guy shot the goat. It
was sad to see that guy shoot the goat because he was the only one of us who had to hit the can to get
a passing score. It was also sad to see some poor goat get shot in the face. I mean, he was close to the can so the
bullet killed Billy's brain pretty quickly. That is to say sad but interesting (to say the least). He was using a
handgun so it wasn't awesome and the goat's skull blew off, but you could definately tell a foreign object had
just flown into that boney brain-container. I admit I looked away pretty quickly (within 7 seconds) but I'm sure you
can visualize the image that has been burned into my retina. And I am sure you're wondering and they don't just
use goats. They use all kinds of farm animals. But goats get used the most and they usually don't get shot either.Plus
they are relatively cheap. I think that goat had been around awhile because it didn't even flinch and it even tried to
eat one of the first targets that got shot off of it. But there is no reason to cry, they we're gonna cook that baby up on
Sunday. No matter, the point is, I thought trashiness was simply for the trashy one-man militias in Montana. But
now I have learned that it is for me too! I'm very excited.
02/28 These Kids Can Get A Spoon: Cover your eyes...because here comes the shining truth of
Revelations 3:27
He will rule them with an iron rod. Like clay vessels they will be smashed.
This passage reminds me of my role in the world in so many ways.
Anyways, Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com has recently come to support The Hunger Site. We usually don't like having anything to do with any of these hippieass-type things, but this site seems pretty harmless
and it's doing a good thing. From what we understand (from visiting the site) all you gotta do is click on the icon
we've put up for it, after visiting the drug lords game link first, and their site sponsors donate food or money for
food or something. And you can go everyday, so it's all for a good cause. We don't know exactly how that works but
we know that it takes no more time than simply clicking on the button on their page. They also have some sister sites
that help animals, kids, trees, and, my favorite boobs. In fact, I'm thinking of donating more time to their cause
(so I can touch some boobies). But the point is, if our three-dozen or so regulars visit their site 5 times a week, we
could make enough difference to probably score Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com Owner, David Hohman, a free shirt or some good press
or something. So why don't you go ahead and visit their site after you check this one out. Its for a good cause.
02/26 There's Not Something In The Air: Ah yes Ara stories. Everyone just can't get enough
of them. "Oh David," they write me "please tell me more about the curly haired guy." And I hear so much "Wow. You got to be
on his two 4x800 teams in high school? What was it like having to run after him?" As in, 'after the legend.' I also get way
too much, "Did you get to meet his grandfather?" How stupid are these people? Of course I did. How else was I suppose to give
him tips on coaching Notre Dame to victory? Without me you'd have seen Rudy in the starting lineup! Now, I like the guy as
much as anyone else. In fact, he was the first guy I told when I had blood in my urine that one time. But no one is as flawless
as you all think Ara is.
The man simply isn't perfect. Sure, you take grades and niceness and effort and bitches loving him as the only factors
and you would think you have Joe Millionaire with Ara. But I assure you, Ara is not without flaw! And tonite, I will expose
him of his imperfections in a diabolical scheme to end Ara's reign as a "man".
Ara Parseghian has tendancies to crash into stuff. Like a male woman-driver on feet, Ara is attracted to things that
will lay his ass out. Namely, inanimate objects that do not fear this ultimate fighting champion. Take, for example, those
green electrical boxes. On more than one occasion I have been running with Ara on paths we had done numerous (sometimes
hundreds of) times before and he has been taken out by those electicity-holding contraptions. Oh sure, the critics will
say, so he crashed a couple times. Big deal.
Senario two: during an intense game of ultimate frisbee, Ara was chasing down a sweet pull (throw) down the sideline.
However, it was so down the sideline that it was out of bounds and en route to a bench. I watched from the other side of the
field as Ara glided like a gazelle, one powerful step at a time, towards the long-chair with no idea of what was
to come, for his eyes were focused on the disc, which was quickly flying in the low-sky above the dirty, spring
pitch of a soccer field recovering from its practice-season thrashing. His bare feet were kicking up small amounts
of dust. Each small cloud seemed to be trying to grab his foot in a vain attempt to slow down this man; that
is to say, any man with as much pride as Ara Parseghian. I called out, "That's a bench there, dude" but
it fell on deaf ears, as Ara's complex probably caused him to hear, "You can do it there, dude." The next thing I knew...Whack!!
The splintery splintered-wood of the bench met with the only-too-human flesh of the boy. Ara fought the laws of physicis and
the laws won. The world stoped turning for a moment as Ara's body was sent into the air (where he failed to catch the
frisbee) and the birds flew out of the trees...startled to be around what was to come. I could see everyone else's bodies
frozen in time, as they were trying to tend to a man that had not yet fallen. I screamed out for what was to come. "Fucking
shit!" And time began again. I bobbed and weaved through crying girls and exhausted men towards the opposite end of the
field. I hopped over the broken bench and the bloody failure pinned beneath it. Then I knew I had only
choice. I dove. I laid out like never before and caught that frisbee as it lost the remainder of its momentum and fell to
the Earth. The score was now three to five.
Case Three: Ara's car got broken into at the Tucson Convention Center. As he drove the yellow bug with out a passenger-side
window home, a bee flew in the window. Long story short, the little fucker stung Ara and died when Ara tagged
a mailbox. No charges were ever pressed because everyone thought Ara was such a stand-up guy though.
He also lost the prom king election.
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| You got next? This guy has got third. |
02/25 Slam! Let the boys be boys! We've really taken a liking to this popular game lots of
people play at the student rec center called basketball. Apparently, it is pretty popular sport. I can see why, there is a
lot of trash talking, swearing and rebounding.
Grant and Jeff first introduced me to the game about a month ago and then I got back into it this weekend. And I must
say, not since I took up hearts five years ago, has my improvement curve been so steep. Granted, I am probably not built
to play basketball. The make up of the game seems to give favor to tall, strong, black men. I am a white guy who is just
trying to not get in a fight. But I make it work. This is all, of course, with the help of Jeff Dodge, who is teaching me
how to play.
Since I have been a student of Jeff I have been able to touch the rim (equaling the abilities of 6'4" Adam
'Walker' Reynolds), have gotten two blocks, three steals, a three-point shot, a game winning shot, numerous assists as well
as the title of "rebound patrol". All that with only four travels called to my name. Also, one time, I left my guy wide open
to hit the game winning three-pointer. My team wasn't too excited about that. But I have greatly improved my defense and the
last game I played I held the guy I was defending (who happened to have a pair of sweaty knockers) to zero points. I think
one reason I am doing so well is because I am the happiest guy on the court. I'm not all worried about my new Jordans
or my knee brace. I'm just happy to show up in the Buffmaster shirt and play one of these new "extreme sports".
But my favorite thing about throwing down the rock at the SRC is the people. By and large my favorite
person there is Jeff. Mainly because at the start of the game he is always trying to get me open and telling me to take shots. But
by the time its 12-12, Jeff is just telling me to not even touch the ball and if I steal it to pass it immediately. And he
gets cussy too. He doesn't do enough of that thing where you pull your t-shirt up and throw it over your
face though. I don't really know what the purpose of it is but I've been seeing guys do it. Other people I really
like are the ones that assume I know what's going on. Even though I'm wearing an old pair of running shoes and a
shirt that isn't from a high school summer league and I giggle when I put up an airball, when my teammates have the ball they
will kinda look at me and then nod. I have no idea what that nod means. I can't tell if this guy's gonna
give me the rock or if he wants me to go up for the -oopty. Usually when that happens I just run as fast as I can
(for the two steps it is) to half-court assuming the guy with the ball wants my spot to dunk it. This has been pretty effective
so I'll probably stick with it. Another thing I like is when people give me credit for being part of a play when I didn't do
anything after inbounding it. On more than one occasion I have been standing on the three-point line watching the game on
the court next to us while my teammates were getting us a basket and the dude who scored would come by and slap
my hand telling me what a great screen I put up. Another guy I enjoyed playing with the super sweaty guy
with the bitch-tits, who I mentioned above. This dude was great because he didn't get shit for baskets but each time one of
his teammates would shoot he would yell, "Money!" then try to box me out of my position at rebound patrol. Now, if he's
gonna be screaming 'money' every play, I think he should move because he has voiced that the ball is going in the basket so
there should be no reason to push me out from under the hoop. I also liked this dude because his thunderous ass made
him easy to chase down when he was hanging out trying to cherry-pick. Finally, I like the asians down there. I'm almost
positive these dudes have been playing longer than me but they are terrible. I mean, there is debate over whether or
not I could play 8th grade basketball, but these dudes are definately worse than me. I mean, they are just like little
balls of energy who shoot hoops in khakis and sweaters. Needless to say, playing these guys makes me feel like Tony Kucoc.
I'm gonna see if I can't score myself a pair of those shoes that increase your verticle six inches so I can't start
jamming on all these fools who are comin' up in my house! By which I mean, the senior olympians who took up half the
courts on Saturday.
 02/24 Dead To Right: It was a great moment in television history when buget cutbacks forced Groundskeeper
Willie to be the french teacherm so he walked into the classroom and said, "Bonjour you cheese-eating surrender-monkeys."
On a different note, I have a $275,000 life insurance policy. I'm not exactly sure who I put down as the beneficiary
but I do have some stipulations on how I want that cash spent when I get killed. So, this is going to count as the legal copy
of my requests for the person who will get my life insurance policy. Seeing as how I have no offspring nor a wife here in
America, I don't even really deserve a policy like this one. However, I pay $16 a month and that's the way it is. And it isn't
like I know anyone who needs that kind of money so I have decided I want it all to go to the David Hohman Memorial Service
Celebration Extravaganza!! That's right, whoever's getting that money had better not get greedy. It's all about the celebration
when I die.
This all-day memorial service extravaganza is gonna be huge. There's gonna be some live music and a DJ part of the day,
so y'all can get your grooves on. Personally, I can't dance worth shit and I have no need for a dance floor, but who care
what I want? I'm dead. And because I am dead, I will allow the DJ to play a little country. But if there is any emo at my
bonanza, I am going to come back to life and kill all of you! But my celebration won't just be for the adults. Sure, there
will be stretches of Bar-B-Que Porkchops, ribs, steaks, hot dogs, hamburgers, and buffalo wings for as far as the eye can
see. And everyone will be drinking the high life (because that is how I lived). As for the children, fun fun fun. There's
gonna be all kinds of rides! Besides the usual carnival rides that funerals are notorious for offering kids, the David Hohman
Death Party is gonna have pony, elephant, giraff, and rhinocerous rides! Jumping castles and slamball courts will be set up
next to the skee-ball games. There will also be some bumbper cars. And big trampolines that the kids can jump off of into
the pool. For the adults, entertainment will include skydiving, base jumping, bungee jumping, gun slinging, drinking, and
karaoke (for Jeff Dodge). When the night falls we will bust out the fireworks show and the real party begins! That's when
Guns N Roses will take stage and all my guests will have the chance to mingle with the Harlem Globetrotters! Then we'r gonna
have the And 1 guys show up from that ESPN show. Maybe they'll take on the 'trotters just for my fans. Some things that won't
be at my memorial celebration include midgets (they freak me out), people I don't like (and I will have long list
of people I hate who can't come in), fights of any sort, nudity (this is a family affair), and slavery. Any persons who bring
their slaves to the David Hohman Memorial Service are agreeing to free their slave for the hours of my celebration so that
those people may enjoy themselves. Why? Because Dave Hohman doesn't support the slavery. And homeless people. We gotta gather
the homeless people and let them come party too. And don't you worry, there will be enough food for everyone. We're gonna
have pies and cakes! So, just don't miss this one. This is gonna be a party for the ages. Anything else the executor of my
estate wants to do is fine with me. I just want everyone to enjoy themselves when I get killed.
Dude....I had a huge update then some bitch sent me a link and the son of a bitch closed up the window so I will just
post it later. Fuck! The unimportant part of the post was that I cut my auburn rug into a mullet. So I bet you can only imagine
what the important stuff was! Damn this.
Wine maketh merry: but money answereth all things.
--Ecclesiastes 10:19
02/19 What Was Going On In That Head Of Mine? We're doing the post for today last night. Why?
Because we're in the middle of a research project. And if you are anything like me, you will really appreciate the Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com
On Your Side Consumer Review we're throwing down here. Tonite, we are testing Nu-Pore brand Hair Clour (Auburn). We picked
up a case of the stuff while we were at hte 99 cent store this evening buying expired candy and sub-dollar toilet paper.
11:10pm- We just got the stuff in. It definately stinks way more than the Herbal Essences stuff we used to blond our
hair up last December. However, Nu-Pore doesn't have commercials claiming it smells good. I also like this product because
the directions also come in spanish. This way, if the fumes kill me the coroners mexican assistant can still finish me up
so I can make a showing at the gates of heaven looking simply fabulous. One thing I don't care for are the protective gloves
Nu-Pore provides. The Herbal Essences ones were quality, like the ones a doctor inspecting your rectum would wear. Tonight's
gloves look more like the baggies the ladies in the lunch line wore when I was in elementary school.
11:20- The stuff is still sitting on my head. I hope I got complete cover or my head is gonna need to be shaves a couple
months early. Ooh, the one eyebrow I appear to have the gunk on is gonna have to come off too.
11:22- 8 minutes left till we check. I was thinking I was having a terrible allergic reaction to this stuff a moment
ago, but it turns out some of it just dripped onto my lap (what a relief).
So, while we wait. Some people have been asking about how Brian Buck is gonna make it back into the news. For you non-ASU
students, Brian Buck is/was (I don't know) our distinguished student-body representative and Shane's World Frat-Row Scavenger
Hunt amateur pornography star. When word got out of this video, Buck became, and has been, the center of media attention concerning
it. And through all the editorials and all the jokes no one has mentioned 2 very important points about Buck in
the video. First, his member is small. Second, when offered a handjob on video, Buck failed to "obtain an erection". How do
I know this? Was I there? Hell no. But a party we were at last week had the video playing and a girl pointed these
two very important parts out to me. Now, this is aside from the fact that he's still standing around his "brothers" as
they all watch and cheer "Buck" on. There are other things to make fun of in that video, but for our purposes as a new-website,
Brain Buck has a tiny wee-wee that can't stand at attention. By the time we have finished this little filler section,
our hair should be done.
11:31- The burning sensation on our head reminded us to get that shit off before our head ended up a dark bald....
11:35- I don't think I wanted it this dark. Yeah, it's definately got more of a purplish-redish tint that I had desired.
It's just that the girl on the box wears it so well that I thought I could be beautiful too....
11:42- Reflection Well, it seems that even we can make mistakes. I mean, the stuff was 99 cents and we do have
poor judgement. But who'd have thought we would have ended up looking like a damn raver? In retrospect, this colour, like
the blonde I used before, would look much hipper in streak form. Man, now I gotta shave my damn head. Well, I guess until
then it's back to being gay for us.
|
| AFTER |
02/19 Guns For Hire: We tried to come back with a happy post yesterday but thats over. Now
we have to handle the truth. Before this comes out, we want everyone out there to know that we are not worried. Just
rather annoid at how things have turned out. So, without further ado, here's what's going on.
The weekend before last we went down to meet out unit, the 368th Military Intelligence Battalion's Phoenix Unit, to get
interviewed by, what seemed like, everyone. And we put on a show. We were extemely personable and wailed on all the tests
they gave us. So much so that, Sunday afternoon when we were supposed to be out doing weapons training, we were instead sent
to an upstairs office to meet with the officer in charge of the battalion (which ranges from Washington State to Arizona.
He sat down and he told me how impressed he was with my statistics. He also mentioned that with Iraq going down pretty soon,
we are still at a shortage of trained counterintelligence agents (97-B's). He had a copy of my 40 page enlistment contract
that was coverred with my initials and signature. He set it on the table and asked me what my plans were for after Intelligence
training. I told him I was going to stay in the reserves while I finished my education. He sighed and told me I should not
plan on going back to school next spring. He flipped through my contract and pointed out some fine print. Basically, it says
that in times of international conflict when the reserves are being enacted, previously untrained soldiers can be confined
to active duty after an advanced training period if their battalion so feels they are qualified. Right below that were my
initials. Having thought I studied my papers, I flipped to the back of the stack where there was a note, with my initial,
that noted that I was not allowed to enlist myself into the active army until six months after my college graduation. "That's
right," he told me, "you cannot choose to go active until you graduate. But when it's necessary, we can have you come up early."
I sat there and said, "Alright, what's next then."
I talked him into letting me complete this semester at ASU but I will now have to ship out 2 weeks earlier and go through
a condensed six-week (not 9) basic training with a 10 week (not 19) intelligence cram session. By that late-August date
I will be on a plane to Saudi Arabia if we still have any military action happening in the Mid-East. I will have a one-year
station period there before I can return back to the states to go back to school.
So, we're just letting you all know whats happening here. Don't be angry because I am not.I'm actually pretty excited.
This is hardcore and I'm a part of it. Besides, if I finish this brisk training session and the war is over, I get to go back
to school with nothing to worry about. Very exciting. So, if you ladies out there were thinking, "Man, i gotta get it on with
Dave Hohman before he gets killed by some dirty Iraqi sonbitch," you better get on your horse because slots are filling up
fast!
So that's just news. We aren't going to shut the site down early or anything, but we still really need to find a person
to take over the site while we are on our extended leave. We also aren't freaking out or hating the army. If anything, what
we (and you) should be doing is pressing Bush to move in and kick some ass now so in September it will be over and I will
be in the U.S. Just something to think about....
02/18 Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm: We're back up. People bothered us for the last couple of
weeks wanting to know what was going on. Well, I don't really know. All I know is that Tripod (our host server) had some kind
of bug so we couldn't access the page to edit it. We would have complained and been all over their asses about it except that
this is a free service so our weight doesn't really hold for shit.
This couple weeks off was good though. We've rededicated ourselves and came up with quite a few story ideas. I mean,
this has been a busy two weeks. We probably did more in the last two weeks than you got done in the last ten days! Loser.
So, as a sneak preview to what is coming up, here are a few upcoming topics:
- Brian Buck- How did he get back in the news?
- Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com Federal Agent, David Hohman's- His new military situation.
- Hohmeys II
- More guest posts- Crazy Chris Kasik, John Hohman and more...
What have you missed this past two weeks that we probably won't go back and touch on?
- Joe Millionaire- Whatever. I would have rather seen Bondage Blondie reject his poor ass. But since they gave him only
half a million (before taxes!) dollars, I am still not impressed..
- France being a bunch of bitches- Well, we'll probably touch back on this one later.
- The NBA All-Star Weekend-Whatever.
- Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com Intern, David Hohman, possibly transferring to train under Smokin' Brad Moore.
- AJ's most recent party excapades- Highlights include AJ throwing up all over the side of Adam's Jeep and passing out on
our front lawn.
- Jerry Seinfeld LIVE at UA Centenial Hall- He was amusing. We refrained from heckling him about his hot wife for fear of
an ass beating by our father.
- Our sneak preview showing of Old School- Just go see it and stop being such a faggot (movie reference).
Finally, you people are not clicking enough to help us out with the Drug Lords game. Fix that.
02/06 I Was A Better Man: American Idol had eight million (8,000,000) call in voters this week.
We would have easily beat that number had we a larger allotted bandwidth. And it was all because of yesterday's post. Apparently
everyone was reading it, but if your friends missed it for some reason (they were on the moon with their head stuck up their
ass) you can tell 'em it will be on the bottom of this, the homepage, for the rest of the week and after that it can be found
on the archives page.
So, we had a discussion here at Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com and were trying to figure out how to follow up a post as popular
as The French Are AssBackwards. Someone thought we should discuss Colin Powell discussing the threat of Iraq having "Asians
of Mass Destruction". We quickly shot Jeff down on that one. A few more ideas came up but, in the end, we realized that no
matter what we write, its gonna be a let down. No matter what kind of hype we give it, no matter what kind of mood our readers
are in, it's gonna be a "Survivor 2: The Australian Outback". So we looked at past posts and decided what people wanted
the most and, using a complex logorithmic equation, we discovered that we're do for another installment of The Hohmeys! We were thrilled for the five seconds before we figured out that we wouldn't be able to have the Spring Hohmeys ready for
today. Then Jeff came back and suggested a "clip post". Similar to how sitcoms do clip shows, he wanted us to do that. Apart
from the fact that it is simply impossible to do a clip post, its a stupid idea and we refuse to be the sitcom of the internet
realm. So, maybe we could post something else. Like a ballgame or whatever. Nope. Well, maybe a movie. A good idea, except
we'd have to pay for it. Pay money we don't have...not to mention the bandwidth problem. So, instead, you're getting
one of those, "Here's whats in store for you this Spring..." segments. Oh, and we put up this photo, which we have been
saving for a rainy day. 1) We're getting our hands on a camcorder on the weekend of 02/15 at the latest. At that point, we will begin
filming a movie that should be our final post in May.
2) Guest posters. Currently waiting to give you their two cents are 1022 roomate, Dan Maher and our old suitemate
from the dorms, Crazy Chris Kasik. If you think you got what it take, let us know. 3) This is where we may or might not transfer to when we get out of Ft. Huachuca in late November/early Decmeber. 4) We've started work on the Spring Hohmey's. We don't know when they're going to be up, but they will be up in time.
Again, we apologize for writing such an awesome post yesterday.
|
| This Tie Could Whoop France's Ass |
02/05 France Has Everything AssBackwards: Read this article....Good. Now, an open letter to The "Nation" of France:
Dear France,
Bonjour! Comment ca va? Alright, enough chit chat, let's get down to business here. I think it's no secret that I don't
like you guys. And if it is a secret, then you all are as stupid as you dress. So listen up.
You're time is over, France. You were kind of the number one world power a few hundred years ago when the world
was flat and the Catholic church was keeping you afloat. But even then you were constantly swapping the title with
the brittish. Then what happened? We, the Unites States, the greatest nation to grace this green Earth, opened up shop.
And how we opened up shop! I don't think I have to explain why we're the lone king of the moutain here, but we are. So
what's that make you? Well, maybe top-5, but that's on a good day when cheese and sea exploration are in high demand.
Now don't get me wrong, Frenchies. I know what it's like to be number two. I've been the loser at times in my life too.
So, I know you have way less pressure on you now and it makes sitting around and letting grapes ferment and cheese curdle
a whole hell of a lot easier on you. Sure, I haven't received a solid anal-assault in back-to-back world wars like
you or anything. And I know my army wasn't described as "one more liability for the allies" in WWII. And
I can only imagine what its like to be blamed for the birth of miming. But, if anything, these are just more reasons that
you should support the US in the war (should it have to come to bombs and wagons). I mean, all you bitches have to do is say, "Go for it. Here is some a bottle of wine, some cheese, and my limp-wristed
blessing," and you get a piece of the pie when its all over. But no, you bitches want to play this shit on the political floor.And if anyone knows how to run that floor (because
really, that floor is nothing without the US) is GW. Granted, he may just as well say he didn't get you're message because he doesn't
think the mail comes on Wednesday, but, one way or another, he's going to do what I want! So, don't try to use this situation
as your chance to show off your power. Because you know what you are France? You're the UN equivalent to the towel
boy on LeBron James's basketball team. For years you've been watching all the other nation's bust their asses, and now
that it's game time, you're going to throw on that extra pair of XXXL sweats we let you have and act like you're
on the team. Well, Jacques, its clutch time and that is not when you start calling shots. If anything, this is when it's best
for everyone that you just shut up and make sure we have our damn gatorade! Then, when this shit is all over, you can go tell
you're geek friends on the Ivory Coast and in Southeast Asia that you are on the team and we can get back to ignoring you.
Yeah, you're sitting there, "But les Germans! Ils ditaients this was a bonne idea! Les Germans..." Les
Germans this, les Germans that! Les germans are psycho. They don't know what the hell they want! But at least
they have the balls to try and get whatever is that they aren't even sure they desire. Will they do sick shit? Yeah.
Even Schitzer videos? Yeah. Do they need a good ass-kickin' every once in a while? Yeah. Do we give it to them?
Hell yeah (It's part of being the Super Core). When they elect a chancellor who is anti-american, we tell the
german people to elect pro-US statesmen. And you know, those fuckers in Lower Saxony listen, man. So back to you.
Simply put, France is a joke and will always be a joke. France, you ride the short bus to UN meetings. When you and England
both refuse to switch to the "mighty euro", the pounds stay in circulation while the francs get taken to the furnace (note,
Germany, not France, runs the bank for the EU). I mean, you should watch the UN meetings on television. It's intriguing to
see how much shit gets done when your representative is out of the room, either taking a leak or smoking a skinny cigarette.
They're all like, "So yeah, I think its important that we help those people in Africa who have AIDS because it's uh...really...uh...bad.
Jeeze, I thought the guy from Paris would never leave. Alright, Canada, you watch the door and I'm going to propose an immediate
vote on <insert something too important to waste french babble on, here>..." Even on the occasions when you get tired
of your hairy women pushing around you're speedo-wearing "men" and you want to look tough so you don't oppose military action,
all the other representatives are asking each other, "That means we get to use their air fields. But they don't want to fight
do they? I mean, we want to win this one."
So, in closing, what you need to do is just sit there and nod and smile. Don't say shit. Just take off that damn berret
(because you look like a fucking iraqi leader) and listen to the big dogs. Then go back to France and start putting down
student protests. And by "put down" I don't mean compromise. I'm talking Kent State here. Because no one respects a nation
that can't control its college students. Next, you're going to shave off that mustache because, around here, its
the symbol of a human cum dumpster. After that, you're going to change the name of your upper legislative house from "The
Senate" to "Le Grande Towne Hall". First, because that's really all it is. And second, because the real Senate,
the US Senate, is all about the power, and that's just not what your legislators are all about. Finally, you're going to get
one of your mistresses to turn you over and take out whatever has been stuck up your ass this last century! I don't
know what the hell it is up there but, quite frankly, my countrymen could whoop your countrymen's asses all over
Normandy. So don't fucking act like you even have the right to look down your nose at me. You are french. You let Le
Bac tell you how to shape your lives. So hang your head in shame and just accept that your fate includes little more
than failure and the occasional bath. My beard is you're superior.
David J (For Jacques Chirac's Daddy) Hohman
|
| The Hohman Bros. |
02/04 I Can't Love All 60,000 Of My Fellow Sun Devils: I don't mind school. Sure, there are other
things I'd rather be doing 9 months out of the year- namely, being a major-league first-base coach- but I can
live with school work. And this semester, I almost look forward to my four classes. My instructors are pretty lighthearted,
the topics are actually pretty-to-semi interesting, and now that it's February, the girls are wearing less clothes again.
Right now, I would say my favorite professor is my Empirical Inquiries teacher because he "talksh like thish." Even though
I kinda fear picking up calling them "fruit shnacksh" after seeing this dude three times a week. But school also does have
its downsides. Namely, that one guy that everyone has in at least one of their classes. You know the one. He's probably older
than everyone else and I think it is his lack of testosterone that makes him want to comment on every statement the teacher
makes, even if its obvious and/or irrelevant to the discussion. These dudes make me wish that Medal of Honor was real life
and my classroom was Normandy and my pencil was a neutron bomb. I have two guys like this in my school week. The first is,
'Bald Guy I Hate In My Religion Class II'. Surprisingly, he sits in the exact same seat (in a class of 300) as the Bald Guy
I Hate In My Religion Class I, from last semester. It's like the seat for jerks. Seriously, I'm sure he's a good guy
and a model citizen, but I hate this dude. I mean, if my Jerskstore.Com dream ever comes true, this guy is like, an eleven. Today, we
were discussing how native american's could have personal relationships with rocks and other inanimate objects because of
payote and/or tradition. So, while everyone say there and thought, "That is simply different from the Christian worldview
we hold", BGIHIMRC II had to raise his hand and ask if that was like having a patron saint. Even though the entire premesis
of a guardian angel, patron saint, or any kind of spiritual protector is based on something that is/once was alive! And I
hate that my teacher won't just tell him he needs to shut up she says shit like, "Well, I guess you could kinda sorta look
at it that way...but for our purposes we're not going to." Sadly, this dude has nothing on the rage I feel for the guy in
my POS 310 class. I saw him on campus this afternoon giving a pissy look to the maintenence guy because, apparently, the driver
didn't stop soon enough for my classmate, who was illegally crossing the street on his bike! I mean, the ASU police force
would have a citation field day with this dude. Honestly, the best way I can describe this asscrack is to compare him
to the likeness of 3 South character, Joe. Joe is the third roomate on the show and thinks he is too smart to be in an instituion
as crappy as ASU...er, Barder College. Anyways, this guy in my class. He takes so much fucking pride in pointing out the obvious.
He reads definitions out of the book and then sits around like he's fucking Webster, New World, or any of the dictionary greats!
I can totally see this dude with the "Make it happen" post-it on his mirror in his bathroom...just egging him on to be the
biggest bitch he can. By the way, those post-its don't work. AJ's had his "Get a job" one on his computer so long
that you can barely read it. Oh! And the laptop! I don't care if you're gonna bring your laptop to class, but at least
keep the damn thing quieter than a typewriter! Man...this dude makes me think that higher learning isn't about anything more
than being a bitch. And if that's the case, I am gonna graduate this May...with honors. Then I'm gonna get a gun. Then I'm
gonna get this guys social security number, then I'm gonna ruin his credit. Then, I will get an honorary doctrate from Yale.
It's gonna be sweet. Man...I hate that Assclown hippie.
02/03 AA Meetings All Around: You know, on any number of consecutive nights last semester,
AJ could have been found wasted, plastered, fucked up, bombed, shitfaced, trashed, hammerred, embalmed, trollied, unsober,
whisky-fried, smashed, zonked or drunk. And most of the time, stories of these nights got a mention, at most, here on Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com.
The main reason for this was because AJ was a convient drunk. He'd drink way too much, he'd get all tired and barfy, and since
he can't be much bigger than myself, he was easy to get into his own bed at 2 am or so. Well, on Saturday night, the Ash household
got invited (Via Adam Reynolds) to some superhot "Gene"'s party. I know it wasn't her party but...anways, Jeff, who I
wrote his guest post for on Friday, can not hold his liquor. I can't stress this enough, people. But, since it was Chinese
New Year, Jeff felt it necessary to get <insert one of the aforementioned terms for "so drunk he's damn-near blind">.
So, noticing that Crown Royale comes with a purple pouch, he bought a bottle. Pause here. You probably want to know what's
happening to AJ by this point. It's at least 10 pm and nothing is in him. Well, long story short, he drank a bunch of everclear
and threw up most of it before it could get into his system. He was pretty clear for most of the nite. It was wierd, back
to Jeff. So, Jeff drinks a bottle of CR (Which is about a bottle of hard liquor more than he has ever had) and the
party gets broken up not long after 12. So, we have to go home....or do we? One attribute of Drunk Jeff is that he is very
easy to persuade. So, we took him down to Mill Ave to show him off. Highlights of this trip included, Jeff yelling at fat
girls trying to talk up me, AJ and Grant and talking politics with some liberal bitch on the corner. Jeff made the worst
pro-war arguments I have ever heard but he did get the last word in when she walked away and Jeff, coached by myself,
screamed to her "GW's in for two more years so there's gonna be a war!" After that some fat chick with three too-many
piercings tried to sell Jeff booze or something. I don't know what it is that brings these freaks out, but they sure like
to congregate and see if Jeff wants to buy some marijuana. Jeff's response, "This is Dave Hohman! Fastest guy I know! We were
state champs!" So, until this point, Jeff was in a good drunk mood. Until three mexican guys tried to throw rocks at us and
start trouble. Nothing really happened because my homosexual vibes quickly diffused the situation but there was potential
for me to need my gun now! So, after Jeff pointed me out to a few more freaks (I owe him one) we went home. Now, all the things
that are great about a drunkAJ do not apply to Jeff. First, he's big. Bigger than any of us. Second, he's energetic. So, mixed
with being quicker than any of us, we have a cracked-up gorilla on our hands. Granted, gorilla's let me eat their corndogs,
which is pretty sweet, but they also trample everything in AJ's room. So, apart from breaking clipboards, cds and mochassins
Jeff also left drunken voice messages for two girls in minnesota asking "if your nipples are the size of small plates or some
form of currency", "I bet your boobs are the size of basketballs and I can palm a basketball so, uhhhh, I think I can
palm your boobs", and "I'll show you my nipples if you show me yours. Nipples for nipples. genitalia for genetalia.
That's the deal." and finally, a message for WaveGirl, looking for 1022 roommate, Dan Maher. However, since this post is getting
long, I will get to the highlight of the night.
AJ has a box of M&Ms and gumballs. They are in no wrapping, just a box of assortied, old candies. Jeff threatened
to tip it over, which AJ wasn't to pleased to hear. Fearing he wouldn't do it, but assuming that he didn't have the nuts to
do it, I began to antagonize Jeff. I must say, he held up pretty good until, "I knew you weren't man enough, Nancy." Which
is when he flipped the box and candy sprawled across AJs floor. It was so awesome. Then AJ threw a bunch of candy into jeffs
room and Jeff almost cried. Big ape.
|
| Guest poster Jeff Dodge after 2/3 of a White Wine Spritzer |
01/31 Gangsta-Ass Nigga's Think Deep: Before anything else, good luck to my roomate Dan Maher
at some indoor race in Idaho tomorrow. He'll be running the mile faster than AJ can do a kilometer. Oh, and if you couldn't
tell, this is not Jeff. No, turns out he's still too asshurt about getting smacked around in Medal of Honor (Xbox) to have
a straight thought. I'd probably be cranky too if all I did was fucking camp and then when someone came into my sights I blew
my chance and ended up getting shot in the groin to death by Man0fSeas0ns. So, I will just go ahead and put up what I suspect
Jeff would have guest-posted for this, the final Friday, of Januray, 2003.
Hi, I'm Jeff Dodge. I come from the all-american family of Mike, Jane, myself and and my little brother, Danny Dodge.
My dad owns Chandler so we're pretty wealthy. First off, if you're black, I'd just like to say that I admire you. I'm all
into big chicks and if I could ever be as black as Greg Gumble I would shit myself. One interesting fact that you
may or may not know about me is that, despite my tall height and huge chest, I can't hold my alcohol anywhere
near as well as a small girl. I mean, one beer and I got a pair of Horace Grant-style beer goggles on. But its alright
because I can usually soak it up with one of the meals I eat every 2 to 3 hours during the day. My favorite meal is corndogs
and popcorn shrimp because that is what my parents keep stocked at the owners' mansion in Chandler. Other vital information
about me includes my love for Kobe Bryant. Sometimes I wish I was a slutty chick just so I could have his baby. I bet
his dong is huge (cuz he's black). Also, I really love video games. I suck at them but I love them nonetheless. My new favorite
game is Medal of Honor. Today no one wanted to play with me but I promised that I wouldn't get upset, so they agreed to take
me on. Boy were they in for a treat! By the third game I was ready to explode! But it wasn't my fault. I mean, I just
sit there and camp and still get shot up like the french. It's Bryon's fault. Man, I can be a real bitch. But I guess if I
could sum up my life in one sentence, it would be, "I am unhappy." So, because I am not happy with my b-ball skillz. running
in general, my out of town girlfriend, Kimby, or my gaming skills, I think it is only fair that I get to take over this site.
For a preview of my work, go ahead and visit http://bombdizzle.tripod.com. Oh goodness, yes, and my gas. It's vicious. Loud and stinky! And it only gets brutal in the afternoon. It'll creep ya out.
I'm almost done so, I guess I was suppose to include a bible quote. So, how about John 3:16 And then Jesus kicked the extra point and the Jets were up by 2.
|
| It's hard to believe this guy has any thoughts. |
01/30 A Tower Of Babble: We had a few thoughts today.
1) I think we could make some real money if we bought JerkStore.Com and ran it like HotorNot. I mean, who wouldn't want
to spend 5 minutes a day judging some poor saps whose friend's put their photos up. It would relieve stress too. After a long
day, I would totally enjoy sitting down and telling people (on a 1 to 10 system) what a jerk they look like. And we'd sell
shirts so if you're friend scored over an 8.4 or whatever you could buy him/her a shirt with their respected JerkStore.Com
score. I think it would be rockin'.
2) Body hair should be an all or nothing deal. If you think you can explain the (lack of)existence of a higher
power, tell me how evolution missed this one. I understand if cromagnon man needed a layer to stay warm or keep the cactus
off his junk, but I have a leather coat. I do not need body hair. Do I have hairy nipples because some 12th century
ancestor of mine shared this trait and thus, survived the plague, while a man with a smoother back ended up shatting
out his inards? That's wierd.
3) Why do we not digest corn? What benefit is it to us? Was man just sitting around one day and thought, "Oh, well, since
I have all this extra hair, I can go ahead and bypass the nutrients of corn and just have polka dot logs when I take a dump!"
And if that is the case, then how come chicks don't digest corn either?
4) I feel bad for the fat people on American Idol because you know they're going to get cut. It's suppose to be Simon's
job to cut anyone who isn't going to win but he just sends these two big beautiful women on to get rejected by America. I
think its kinda a sissy thing to do, but Jeff did point out that Tony Blaire is all up on the US's nuts. On the topic
of AI, they should have cut people by being like, "What's the difference between you and me?....I'll be here for the next
round." or "Knock Knock <Who's there?> You're cut!"
01/29 Highway To Hell: We finished day two of defensive driving school today. I really
think they should rename that thing to "White Trash Share Every Stupid Police Encounter Story You Know School" or "I'm
A Dumbass Who Likes To Argue Traffic Laws With Some Woman Anonymous" or "I Treat These Poor Saps Like They Are My
Forced Friends Hour". I was sufferring. Not because I had to sit in a hotel banquet room in uncomfortable
chairs for hours and not because the videos as well as the material covered was boring. I deserved that much. I broke the
law and this was the choice I made. But I did not kill anybody! I should not have had to be within 500 yards of the yokels
in that room. I mean, these must have been sixty of the dullest minds that have ever been brought together in a single place. And,
of course, their leader was sitting right behind me. Dumbass with hawaiian shirt, as I call him, just could not grasp
the concept that the more time we spent listening to stories about his numerous DUI stops the longer class would take. You
wouldn't believe the garbage coming out of this dude's mouth. At one point, he said he had passed a sobriety
test "better than any sober person" so the police drew blood from him, assuming he was on cocaine. I don't know how he passed
a test better than a sober person but I assume the scene went something like this;
Officer: Alright buddy. Without moving your head, follow my pen from side to side with
your eyes....Suspicious, but good. Alright, now why don't you go ahead and walk along this here straight line....Mmmhmmm,
okay then. Finally, could you please put your hand out then reach back and touch your nose.....Oh shit! You really
fucking touched your nose there! Get the on the ground scumbag! You sellin' crack to the kids? What, you gotta get
paid? You're under arrest! I can't belive you thought I wouldn't notice you touching your nose like that. Shit, sober
people can't even touch their noses or walk in a straight line like that!
I should have asked. What a bitch. Then, after we discussed extreme DUI, some shut-in woman told the class, "I was on
the jury in an extreme DUI case where a man hit another car. And I just think everyone should know that in cases like that,
the judge just gives the jury the facts of what happened and what the laws says. We had no choice other than to convict
that man." Well you don't say? You're telling me that in these situations a jury only receives the facts and the
letter of the law. What an unheard of way to handle a trial. Because, stupid me, I always thought that stipulation and not-the-law were
really taken into account in courtrooms. Also, there was some dude in a fubu shirt who kept leaving and not coming
back for like half an hour. At one point, he left to get a pen. 25 min later he came back from smoking his joint and my instructor
asked what him so long to get a pen. His response, "I don't know. It was in my glove compartment or something." Good
cover there, Snoop. And last, but not least, was asian fratty. Fratty had his "Sigma Chi Until I Die" shirt on and liked
to disrupt class with his stories about how, when he is getting tired at the wheel, coffee or caffine can't wake him up. In
fact, the only remedy for his drowsiness is the adrenaline he gets from going 140 in his Honda on the freeway. Well kudos,
Chow Pow Fratty. I think you have honestly given me a good reason to support any military advancement Bush would want to make
on N. Korea. And the rest of the class, well, they make me want to support any attack Bush would want to make on the domestic
U.S. populous. I can't believe I missed the State of the Union Address for that class.
01/28 A Time Long Forgotten: I hate beating a dead horse, but this is necessary. The soccer
game Friday. The one with the DorkWing Avengers. Turns out our on-field antics were so bad that the league sent team captain,
Peter Koury, a warning letter. Disguised as a "Captain's Duties Reminder" here are some clips from it:
Mr. Koury, we are sending you this letter in regards to play related to your last game on Friday of last week....The
game referees reported very unsportsmanlike conduct from your sweeper, who proclaimed himself the "greatest defensive player
in Tucson." In addition to screaming this self-promotion over two-dozen times during the game, your team's linesman reported
that this same player was spitting on the opposing team's players during throw-ins....We understand that play gets intense
and players do get emotional, but we do feel that yelling at park bystanders that another player is a "rotten cheater" and
screaming professions about his opponent "eating hell's ass" to be outside our good sportsmanship policy....This is your team's
one and only warning. Please refrain your players from excessive screaming, violent contact, spitting, swearing, and
illegally changing numbers during play....We appreciate your understanding in helping maintaining order in our league.
Thank
you for your cooperation and best of luck with your season
T. Maryls
Tucson Recreational Soccer League President
What a bunch of bitches! They didn't even note that, when we had too many men on the field, I told the referee that our
midfielder had Attention Deficit Disorder before walking him off the field. Also, I grabbed some chick's bottom when I was
chasing her down on her breakaway (which took about 3 seconds). I just don't get it. I was super cool with that linesman too!
I was agreeing with all his obvious calls! I mean, shit, I had no idea he would rat me out for something as small as spitting.
And then, to send an email. Some other guy on my team slide-tackled a girl! That's illegal! I didn't even get talking to during
the game. What a bunch of racists. Well, that does it. I will be back sometime before the end of this season and I am going
to cause some real trouble.
Remember, Jeff Dodge posts this Friday!
|
| This is that which should have been my fate. |
01/27 No One Needs The Sorrow, No One Needs The Pain: People questioned us. They said, "You're
not really going to go find the biggest guy on the opposing Tucson League soccer team and start talking mad shit....are you?"
Well, rest assured, we did as much as we could. Showing up to our soccer game Friday without a spot on the roster, the incompitent
referees still allowed us to play. However, we agreed to team captain, Peter Koury, that we would not get carded because they
would have to research our being on the team then fine the DorkWing Torpedos for letting an illegal man play. Well, let me
just say that this team was worse than I expected. The guys on the team were pretty decent but these chicks, one in particular,
which we will just call "Skinny", were sucky. I mean, damn dude, I was trying to stay busy talking shit to #7 (The biggest
guy on the other team) but I had to keep running over and stealing the ball from players that got past these slow-ass, bitchy-ass,
poorly-dressed-ass, crappy-ass, skank-ass female players before returning back to my mark, #7, to talk shit. So, needless
to say we were unable to drop kick the ball at the back of his head, but we were able to point out that he was old and balding
(in screaming fashion) which caused him to immediately shank the ball out-of-bound (as if her was surprised by my discovery).
Also this weekend, we scored Medal of Honor: Frontline for Nintendo Gamecube. So, we will replace our NCAA Football 2003 statistics
with those from our new game. The war against Germania is on!
Next, I correctly predicted the Tampa Bay Bucanneers victory in Super Bowl 2003 (Where french-canadian, Celine Dion sang
"God Bless America"). Therefore, Friday's guest columnist, Jeff Dodge, has to make me a sandwich. Maybe he will post
about that this weekend. Sucka.
Next, we have an ID coming our way in the next week or two. So, if you would like to go out and have a few beers
with the Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com staff, feel free to drop us a line and we'll hit the bars.
Wolfman still lives. I saw him with my own two eyes. Bronzeman is still dead.
Finally, Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com Godfather, Jerry Koury, informed us this weekend that he met the illustrius lead singer
of Guns'n'Roses, W. Axl Rose years ago. As the story goes, banker-guy Jerry was visiting a customer who works on celebrity
car stereos. While discussing some business next to a Corvette getting a couple 150 watt amps installed, a grungy man rolled
out from under the car in jean shorts and a t-shirt. The customer said, "Jerry Koury, meet Axl Rose." Jerry shook his hand
and said, "Nice to meet you, Axl. How long have you been working on the cars?" Axl smiled and said, "About 2 and a half hours."
Then he went back to his business. Axl rules.
|
| Bombdizzle, Foreground; Wild West Ninja background |
01/24 Over and Over and Over and Ooh HooHoo: I had a sweet post then AJ sent me some stupid
link and it closed my window and I lost it all. So here's the condensed version.
1) Me and Walker beat Jeff and Bryon at foosball three games straight. Jeff was mad and threw a ball. He will be guest
posting next Friday.
2) Me, going to Tucson for my Sunday birthday. This evening, I am stuck playing for some crappyass UA intramural
soccer team name the DorkWing Rockets. DorkWing! Jeeze, I know this crap is co-ed, but will someone throw me a bone here?
We can't drink during the game, I can't get ejected without getting fined, I have to wear shinguards and we have to play ten
players. I don't even know wear my cleats are nonetheless own a pair of shinguards! Either way, I am just going to tell all
the girls to go stand by the corner flag and stay out of my way because I am the man! I was an AYSO all-star. I was a member
of the Salpointe freshman soccer team! Damn, I once got yelled at to "Pull 'em up a little higher!" Of course in reference
to my shorts. But today, I am bringing the vengence at 6:30 at Tucson Electric Park. I'm gonna open up by talking some
shit at the opening kickoff. Then, the guy I was mouthing off to (who will have to be the biggest guy on the other
team) will start getting all physical. Then I will start pushing back (while still dropping line about his
'F-bomb mother'). Finally, we will get all up in each others faces and the ref will tell us to break it up. That's when it's
time for Man0fSeas0ns to become the Wild West Ninja! See, the big guy on the other team will turn his back on me
and start to walk away because he's gonna let some old man with a whistle tell him what to do. That's when I am
gonna grab the ball and drop kick it at the back of that big oaf's head. The ref will be so surprised that I did
that, he won't even blow his whistle until I am already half way to the biggest girl on the field! Then, just as he blows
his almighty whistle I will slidetackle that broadzilla and take off into the desert night. All the while someone
will be rappin' "The Damage is done, so I guess I be leavin'". Its gonna be sweet. Totally sweet. Man, I really hope
I get some awesome stuff (like a certain older brother of mine who has a similar genetic makeup to mine's ID) for
my birthday. But I will just be happy if the Bucs win and Rice is player of the game.
3) I am gonna save this weeks bible quote because it takes to long to work with. So, instead, you get Job 6:16
I waste away: I cannot live forever; let me alone, for my days are but a breath.
|
| Neptune. It's a planet. |
01/22 All I Ever Wanted Was For You To Know That I Care: Yesterday was a good day. First,
as you can see above, I began my quest to be the world's greatest online drug dealer. Every time you click on the link up
there, I will sell you crack. I don't know exactly how often you are allowed to buy crack from me--but you should try often.
I know it's called weed, but it's crack. Also, you can become a dealer under me for free! That means you get all the protection
you've come to expect from the Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com Drug Dealing Team, with only a 10% kickback! So, that's that. Click
the link and send it to your friends. We're on a quest for total domination here.
Next, whats the deal with asians and khakipants? I mean, I know the asian dudes are second, only to the french,
in being questioned about their lifestyles here. But seriously, I was in class today and this asian dude walked in late and
had spiked hair, a flannel shirt, and khaki pants with some of those glasses they all wear. I was like, "Didn't you just walk
in here...about a dozen times? Yeah! There you are! See? You are all sitting there by the rice-paper door drinking the
tea!" I don't really care why they do it, I am just curious. I know they wear the occasional pair of bleached denim pants
or a kee-yo-toe, but khakipants most of the time. I mean, its cool and all. I wear jeans a lot and no one questions me. But
then again, my jeans sit just right. I mean, I look sexy. Sex-Ay. Girls are always like, "Nice jeans and beard." See, I think
the Axis-of-Evilers lose the meaning of what the girls are saying to me and they think these hotties are saying, "Nice Pants
and wicked no-facial hair and calculator." So, they research docker khakis being nice pants and they think "Viola, I the stud
ahr those rhadies rhove." Poor little guys. If only they knew I wasn't into the Lisa Ling type.
Third, Man0fSea0sn.Tripod.Com has made a huge jump to hosting from our own computer. Today, Matt Mandel, of BoxingMania
III 40's of Death fame, agreed to sell us his old super-computer when he finishes building his new one. We are very excited
and are hoping to have a poll of which domain names our views would like to see us purchase over the next few weeks.
Finally, our first in a series of guest posters hoping to take over the job as webmaster of Man0fsSeas0ns.Tripod.Com
will be posting within the next couple weeks. We dont know who it will be yet but we will pick someone. If you think you got
what it takes, email us.
|
| Jason leading a bunch of 14 year olds at Mehl Park |
01/21 Reach For The Sky, Touch The Sky: Classes started this morning. I mean, for other people.
I started classes at 3:15 this afternoon in the building that has a bunch of snakes in it. I'm going to dress up like Indiana
Jones and run through those hallways with a torch someday...all I need is the hat. On another note, we got another email from
Salpointe running star, Jason Colavito, and thought we would go ahead and let everyone see my responses (again in bold) to this
child's thoughts. This will be email #2 we have posted here on http://man0fseas0ns.Tripod.com (#1 being from last semester). So, without further ado, our response to an email entitled Ara can't save you now!!
Dave, Jason,
Thanks for the insightful anctedote that has rekindled my spirit for training and petty revenge.
Petty revenge? You call that shit petty? He fucking stole my girlfriend and cut off my thumb! In regards to
my training, I have not missed a day in a while. I try to get in at least one run a day not including workouts that are
run on Monday and Thursday. Oh shit! Aren't we just Mr. Fucking Wonderful, now! Look at me! I'm a no talent scrub
and I have to run multiple times a day to be par-to-sur-par in southern Arizona! All I can say is that you'd better have
a sweet training partner, because I just don't think that tuba guy from the band is gonna push ya enough. Currently,
I am training with former Canadian Oh, God no... 1500 meter junior champion turned University of Arkansas miler
turned binge drinker Binge drinker eh? So he has dual citizenship with Ireland? turned pysiology
doctorate. So you run with a alcoholic sprinter? Great. If there is one thing a 2 miler needs, it's a training partner
who thinks training is only good when he runs you to the ground. Basically, this guy is old school and canadian. Shut
up about him being Canadian. Especially if he is French-Canadian! That's like repeating that you were the favorite
altar boy of the priest they keep showing on the ten o'clock news! He runs us into the ground and then gives us
a 3 minute recovery. Then, he make us, more specifically me, laugh when he sayings words like "ay" and "aboot"(about)
just like South Park I now aboot is about! Why don't you just finish your fucking story before I slap you. Anyways,
on Mondays, a typical workout would be like 4x mile at 5:00 to 5:10 on the grass at the oval (the baseball field at reid park) I
know he's your running superior and all, but you need to tell that French-Canadian that the warning track you
are running on is made out of dirt! Not fucking "pitch" or whatever they think the ground is called. On wednesday
You slut! You just told me you worked out on Monday and Thursday! Who mentioned Wednesday?, a 4-5 mile tempo run
is planned over hilly terrain. Hilly terrain eh? In Tucson eh? You really are a slut. All other
days are easy (5-8) and Saturday is long (10-12). Oh yeah, I train with Bakke. 'Cuz I know you had to make
me hate you more... Nice guy most of the time but sometimes overbearing and yeah I'm pretty sure Dan is not the
biggest fan of Stephen Neither is Walker and he had to be on the same team as that little shit for like two years! I'm
really glad I hit that guy with a rock in the middle of the Tucson 5000. as he believes he knows more about running than
Jack Daniels Wait, you mean Dan knows a lot about running or Bakke does? Because I know for sure that neither of
them know what the sweet taste of a slow-year, slow-race, slow-state in an untalented field state championship tastes like. (Not
the whiskey No shit, AJ has an intimate relationship with the JD, the psyiologist Who? ). Some
days I feel that running is the worst thing I could possibly be doing in the world and just want to say fuck it and walk my
ass home while most of the time it is enjoyable. Wow, what fucking insight! There's a thought not everyone down to Mr.
Fatass recreation jogger has thought! You should write a book. I know this track season is my last opportunity
to achieve my goals because if I do not improve drastically I will probably leave the sport. 2 things; first, if you work
really hard and don't give up, I want you to know that you will have the opportunity to compete against a slew of international
competition who will kick your ass without even breaking sweat and, I mean if you try really hard, all the while you will
be fortunate enough to have an old man barking down your neck screaming "Fucking Fuck! This is not fucking racing, David!
I am going to slit your knee to put me out of my misery of being your coach!" Second, if for some reason you opt to not
run after high school, just keep it up through August because I am going to be stationed at Ft. Huachuca and Dan's gonna
come down with Logan and we're all gonna run the Tombstone 10-K and shit on that measily-ass towne. I fucking
hate tombstone. (Just between you and me; the gov't has been testing shit in their water for years).
...I have
not decided on a college but ASU is still in the running. I may go up to Tempe and stay with Antonio some weekend to
get a feel for the school, but I'll keep you posted Oh yes, please! Keep me posted. I so give a fuck when you come up
and try to get some college poonanny! It's gonna be over your rodeo break anyways. I also applied to Santa Clara
University, the school of the tall high jumper bitch, Jen? Yeah, she was the tall one. Remember the short one, Lauren.
Man, she was a real piece of ass. and the University of Portland. Wow, you applied everywhere I did. It's like you're
a little long-distance version of me! Wherever I go, I will try to run if my season turns out to be what I want
it to be and also I will take up drinking. You are turning into me! Oh, did I mention my recent running accomplishments
include a fourth-to-last finish at the beer mile? I'm such a pussy, Jon is out there smoking the ganj at lunch
and drinking on the weekends, and I'm driving my intoxicated friends home because I'm afraid to get caught, I'm such a little
bitch. Now, hold on there. Yes, you are a pussy, but that is no reason to beat up on yourself. As for Jon, he always
sucked. Remember when we used to tease him because he couldn't run a mile in the amount of time a passing period
was? I mean, look at the guy. His claim to fame is what? being smacked in the head with a drill by me in woodshop? Come
on. Alcohol, in moderation, is on the horizon baby. That is all for now, but I will make an attempt to email
you once a week to tell you my workouts Oh boy. I'm fucking panting just thinking about receiving more
of these oh so insightful letters. and the status of the student formerly known as Jason(I'm such a slacker).
You should become the student now known as John McLain.
-Jason
P.S. Call or email me on the 25th or I will do the same so we can cruise a couple miles Yeah, like
I'm gonna hang out with some high school kid. Hello? Loser! and then hit up the IHOP and yeah, your webpage gave
me the idea to take advantage of the all you can eat pancakes. Good, strive to be like me. And on that note, I did some
thinking. I didn't mean what I said before. I would be only so lucky to be running with you. Please do call me when I get
in to town.
|
| At Butler, Paul "Hulk" Hogan |
01/20 I'm Everywhere To You! I'm a baller. People talk shit about Kobe Bryant a lot. But,
ya know, after watching me play, I can see why. Statistically speaking, I put up a sub-par to terrible performance at the
student recreation center today. However, when you look at how much heart I put in, my two rebounds and one assist really
show more about my skills than my 0 for 2 shooting pct. (including an airball). I mean, I was a beast out there and we only
lost by one point! So, oh damn, Joe Millionaire just sent Allison (27, Graphic Design Specialist) packing! Good, that
bitch. She was such a bitch. I hope Melissa M. wins. But then again, that bitch could only complain when some frenchie jacked
up her self portrait. Really, if I learned one thing about chicks last weekend, it was that it's all about the
one eyed monster. So, if you haven't been watching Joe Millionaire (Monday, 8pm, Fox) you should be. It's tight stuff.
I kinda wished Fox would show this site's lying ability some props by letting us string along some hot gold diggers. You know,
we'd probably start off with something sweet by making all out with them really hot like. Then we'd ship off the prudes. That
way, by week two, the viewer would know they are only tuning in to the wild girls. Then I'd be like, "Hooty McBoob, for our
second date, you're going to be making out with that super hot host of this 'reality show'." Then, while they were doing that, me
and the butler guy would just be smoking cigars throwing wads of cash at 'em, trying to hit them in the butts. And
in the event that one of those past-her-prime hotties wouldn't 'go along with the date', I'd change our plans and make them
spar against the butler guy. I'd have her wear some kind of tightass thunderdome outfit and the butler could wear a sailor
suit. It would get huge ratings. Oh, and the butler's gloves would have a punch of chocolate sauce in them so when he whacked
her in the head she's get all chocolatey and the wads of cash I was in the backgound throwing at her would stick to her. Just
imagine. Huge ratings! But this is America, and you only get a chance like that if you are hot like Evan (which we are) but
unfamous (which this site, obviously, isn't). That's alright though. We prefer to run our lies through a delicate network
of women over a long period of time, as oppose to a one strike kind of lie.
01/20 Damn, It Does Feel Good To Be A Gangsta: The clogged toilet that we ranted about in previous
articles has been deobstructed. That's right, a plan to 'throw a party' at the 1022 tonight was successful in coaxing Losty
to (pardon the pun) take care of that shit. In reality, I was actually rather surprised with the turnout of people who actually
showed for this bonanza. However, I could not call it a party until three things happened (and they barely happened). First,
I had my sixer of cold tall ones (Not tall cold ones). Second, Bryon got drunk on some sort of hard alcohol and began acting...foolish. Third, AJ consumed an unbelievably large amount of Jack Daniels during Grant and I's fooseball victory. So, with that being
the case, here are your highlights for the night (in no particular order): First, Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com would like to give
props to that curly haired girl for actually walking out on her own will. Before tonite, we'd never seen this chick at a party
where she did not look like she was going to become a statistic. I also believe she was the one that fell on Mandy's
toilet last semester. So, good job to the girl who was on the floor outside of my room the night of the beer mile. Second,
when talk of the bringing back of Boxingmania was brought about, Jeff "Two Beers and I'm Out" Dodge suggested begining "Ultimate
Fightingmania" (even though he's probably too chicken to even film it). Third, in the middle of the AJ "Plastered" Flom
vs. Bryon "Piss Drunk" Horton fight, AJ opted to jump off the treehouse. So, prior to Bryon's chickening out, AJ...well, all
we saw was a scream and a ball of white fall to the ground before a hard thud. It was totally sweet. That kid's sure gonna
sleep tonite. Fourth, Grant "A Zero in the denominator makes it undefined" Popp and David "An Army Reserve of One"
Hohman's foosball victory over Jeff "Black is a state of mind" Dodge and Fasil "I'm with Prof. Sniz" Bizuneh was the sports
highlight of the night. So, with that said, Jeff tried to pick up on some chick by pointing out that he had a four pound bag
of pretzels (something I learned, at NAU, which does not effectively get Jeff laid), Dan threatened to kick Losty's ass when
he cheapily tackled AJ through the back door and, last but not least, Jeff ponderred how a woman is able to give birth to
something as large as a human child.
In conclusion, alcohol made the largest impact on 1022 residents AJ, Bryon, and Jeff, last night. So,
tonite, watch Joe Millionaire on Fox.
01/17 The Beginning Of The End : Here it is! Your first Friday post of the year (which
means it must have to do with a Biblical passage). So, keep in mind Wisdom 7:3 during this post.
And I too, when born, inhaled the common air, and fell upon the kindered earth; wailing, I uttered that first sound
common to all.
What does this mean to you and Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com? Well, we just felt it is important to face the facts early this
semester, no matter how much you all want to ignore it. This site can't live forever. It's created at the hands of human hands
and when this man gets sent off to kick some ass, this site can't enlist. So, for all you haters who wanna let me post for
more than one day before emailing me about how strongly you feel about this site going down, I just want you to know that, come
late May, you will have your wish only because I am one man. And at the same time, I feel like dissapointing all you
people who would get satisfaction from this site not being updated. So, starting Monday, we're giving Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com support
staff. We're gonna be busting out guest updaters and we will find a person to take over this site when this webmaster become
Man0fWar. So, now y'all have a warning of things to look out for this coming semester.
|
| Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com Roomate Grant Popp, left, at the Foot Locker High School XC Championships |
01/16 LoseYour Illusions: I threw up this morning. Must have been my first run in
months. Or it was the old-ass vitamin i took afterwards. Or it could have been the old-ass soda I washed the afore mentioned
vitamin down with. Either way, all I know is that I did some weak-ass trotting for about 20 min, came home, showered, and
took the pill. I was feeling fine until Dan mentioned that we were getting ready to go the International House of Pancakes for the Endless pancakes deal. Next thing I knew, I was in the front yard (Don't ask why I opted for the front yard), where
our neighbor was getting in his car, yaking up yellow shit and a pill. Some of it got on my foot, I was pissed. Now, I can
only figure one of two things. Either the only thing I ate yesterday (a bottle of Harp Lager) finally caught up with
me, or my body knew that an all you can eat pancake breakfast was going to require a little extra room. Either way, we ordered
more plates than our waitress had ever served up for this deal. We domintated. I had both Buttermilk and Chocolate
Chip pancakes. Yeah, you read that right! Then Dan had to go to practice and I had to sleep. To top off this fine
day, I had some all you can eat pasta at Oregano's. I had all I could take today. So what's the point of this. Well, our toilet
is still all busted with no sign of being fixed (meaning no plunger), Joe Millionaire is doing well in the ratings (and rightfully
so) and I got a birthday a week from Sunday. Feel free to get me something (I am registerred at the Army Surplus Store).
So, we're gonna call this post complete. Tomorrow: I don't know yet.
01/14 New Years Postal Extravaganza: We're back. Not to school like you chumps, but back on
the update train (again, unlike you suckers). We've got a small pile of visitor e-mails to get to and hope to have those taken
care of by next Monday. I am sure many of you are wondering about our winter break here at Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com, and you
may find out in time, but there are far more pressing issues that deserve attention right now. Most importantly, the state
of our bathroom. I came home yesterday and headed to our [usually clean] restroom to relieve myself of the two thirstbusters
I put away on the drive back to Tempe (that's 128 ounces of cherry coke). However, as I lifted the lid I heard Jeff "Shazbot"
Dodge scream to me that our toilet must be set on stun, not kill, because there was what could only be described as a "vat of
pudding-style bombdizzle" sitting in the toilet. I was able to retreat and foul up Dan's bathroom before I came looking for
explainations. Jeff, the sole occupant at the time informed me that Lost "Sloppy Seconds" Boy had released this explosive
bowl movement IN DECEMBER and since the AJ Flom 'Poop Stick', a survey-marking stake he uses as a makeshift plunging device,
did not work, Losty has let the toilet sit for what I can only conclude to be weeks now. Now, besides the fact that an investment
in a plunger would likely fix this entire situation, Losty is occasionally a rather sanitary guy. However, knowing that this
dump (and this thing is brutal...and dark) is sitting there, he still goes about his daily buissness of showering and putting
on make-up in that bathroom. I have moved into Jeff's Bathroom for the timebeing. I don't plan on saying anything more about
the situation because my words will fall on deaf ears. How do I know they are deaf ears? Because I had a frozen pizza in the
freezer which I specifically told Mr. Pooperstink not to eat or he would have to pay me back for when I left. When I returned,
he admitted to eating it and said "I knew the rules". So, besides his 1) Explosive bowel movements; 2) Lack of common sense
to fix that shit; 3) Lack of regard for other people's food; and 4) Television watching habits, I now have to steal my
$3 (the pizza's worth) from Losty, and I just don't like having to steal stuff. But, I am not going to worry. Things are slowly
working out alright. Grant will be home in a few days and I guarantee he will make losty fix that shit. I got a birthday in
less than two weeks, an NAU trip in the works, and Shazbot's teammate Jeremy is staying here for a few nights so I get to
copy over some good CD's. So, don't worry about me. I will be ok. Besides, IHOP is offerring all you can eat pancakes.
December 19 This Game Is Over: The Logan Dick Tribute is here. Is is definately not up to my usually high standards, but considering what is happening here, I can let it slide. Next,
I went to go see Lord of the Rings at midnight last nite, but AJ hit some parked truck so we didnt make it. Next, I had over
99 bucks in my change jar. Added with some other cash I put away, I got good Christmas shopping money. Oh yeah! Next, I will
be back in Tucson Thursday I believe. Drop me a call. Finally, if you haven't caught it, start watching 3 South. Thats about
it. See ya.
| In Loving Memory |
|
| 1983-2002 |
November 21 Live And Let Die: I saw an away message yesterday that said "Friends are
quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly." You know, I don't have wings...ever...so
when I need to get to my feet, I just grab something and pull myself up. So, people with away messages like this are way too
dependent on their friends.
But speaking of friends (and angels) I suppose you have all noticed that the Dick Dialogue page hasn't been updated for some time. Well, I suppose the time has come to tell you all the truth. Logan's dead. The
Lake Forrest Police Department gave up searching for Logan this morning at 6:59 am CST. Logan has been missing for 11 days, at noon today. According to eyewitness accounts fromteammates Rob "Buh Buh Buh" Bahde and Sean "Urban" O'Connor, the three were out on a casual run when a bright flash filled the midwestern sky. The next thing these two knew, the L-train
was running as fast as he could over the sand and straight at Lake Michigan. They called, asking what he was doing, but Logan
only cried back that he was going to be the first man to run across this particular great lake. Authorites believe Logan got about half way across (still a new record) when he met his fate. Since that
evening, search parties have been looking for the remains of the youngest Dick, but have had no luck. Today, they released
this statement.
"We want the Dick. This team, this school, this town...it really wants the Dick. I wish I could find Logan just
so I could have some closure."
Lake Forrest Athletic Dept. has already announced a replacement for the sub-30 8-K runner. ChingChang Dick (of no
relation), a Beijing cross country champion, has agreed to some fill the deceased runner's spot on the team. However,
teammate (and former fling) Erin Motzer is leading the push to not bring in "The Chang" to Lake Forrest College. "Asian Dick's just cannot compare to scottish Dicks. They're smaller and I think they're more likely to start
their sprint and burn out too early in the race," she told a small audience during her biology presentation.
As for those of us here at Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com, we really haven't thought of a way to handle what has happened. You
can definately expect a Logan Dick's Greatest Moments Post next week. As for his page, there are no plans as of
yet to replace the L-Train. Right now, we are just trying to cope with what has happened and we are still hoping
that, somehow, Logan is alive. In his memory, there will be no new posts this weekend, so you may be able to read
all of Logan's posts.
December 17 Kids Vote '02: We just finished reading our only piece of hate e-mail we've gotten.
Not bad, but we thought it was due time to stop telling y'all what you thought of the site, and to go out and ask. So,
we've been asking around, "What do you think of Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com? Is there any post from this year that sticks out
to you?" Here are some responses. First, a conversation with some guy from Minnesota.
KapNkrch3: are you talking about the conversation with tak lay?
Wild West Ninja: yeah
Wild West Ninja: its a popular one. The nov 18 posting.
Wild West Ninja: everyone loves it
KapNkrch3: that is quite possibly the funniest thing i have ever read
Wild West Ninja: exactly!!
KapNkrch3: i have to go change pants now, because i shit them it was so funny
Wild
West Ninja: well, i am glad some people can appreciate humour
Wild West Ninja: send it to your friends.
KapNkrch3: yeah, i showed my roomates, i think we are all going to have to throw our boxers
in the wash now
Wild West Ninja: super
KapNkrch3: the question is why did he keep talking to **** **** *****, didnt he realize that
he was only feeding the fire?
Wild West Ninja: who knows
KapNkrch3: other than math
skillz and the ability to make cheap shit, they really dont know a damn thing
KapNkrch3: oh, and taking lots of unnecissary pictures, they are pretty good at that too
Thanks captain. You made it happen. We also spoke with Grant Popp:
"I like everything about the site. But, if I had to choose one thing that wasn't the Hohmeys, it would be all the making fun of the french. I mean, really, what a bunch of bitches."
Finally, we spoke with special guest Tak Lay. He seemed to take everything better than some women who email me the same
message twice in row even though the post is a month old...
Tak Lay: Its all cool. I really liked it. I was kinda stressed at the time, but looking back
on it, I can that we had some pretty good chemistry and it turned out to be a pretty good IM. But even for as funny as it
is, I am still going to kill you if I ever find you.
**** **** *****: Egg Rorr?
Tak Lay: lol No.
So, tomorrow should be the final post of the semester. And hopefully the dicktribute will be ready. Thank you for all
who gave feedback.
David J. Hohman -- Webmaster
December 16 Money Money Money Money....MONEY!: I was doing some research on the criterium for
certain military jobs. There are standard height/weight requirements and basic gunhandling skills for all jobs. Then there
are your more difficult to get jobs that require higher standardized test scores and background checks. I was looking through
my requirements and I noticed a very interesting restriction on becoming a counterintelligence agent. No prior service in
the Peace Corps. I thought that was just great. I mean, if there is one thing we don't want, its a bunch of homos rubbing
up on our top secret documents. But is there is another thing we won't tolerate, it is people who make a concious effort for
peace!
Now, I don't really know much about the peace corps except that our [attractive] assistant coach left me for them
when I was 14. I also know they are doing a failing job. So, on that point, I think we should cut off Peace Corps funding
and give it to the military, meaning me. It just seems like the gov't has been playing both sides long enough and it is time
to pick a winner! I mean, we're already getting public schools' funding, so why can't we take hippies monies anyways. Then
when that runs out, we can move on to old people! They can't stop us. We're young, viral and masers of our domain! That's
right old woman, just because you cut in front of me on University Drive last week, I am taking everyone's medicare by
force. You old bat.
December 13 Moses, You Are A Better Man Than I: Yesterday ended a streak. No,
not some stupid D-III basketball winning streak or some lame-ass Cinnicinati Bengals losing streak. It wasn't a streak
in my underwear (I can't even begin to tell you how that isn't possible) nor an all beef streak. Steak. Right. Anyways, the
streak was my semester-long wearing, at-most, sandals to class streak. It ended at 7:30 a.m. when it was less than 85 degrees
out (we call it "cold") and I opted for sneakers. Man, it sure was cold. And it appears to only be getting colder,
so I will try to start it back up in January and hold the streak for as long they will let me get away with sandals
at boot camp (probably about 4 seconds). I'm thinking about buying a higher quality pair of sandals (maybe some Tevas) for
next semester's attack at the record.
In other news, if y'all know me, I'll be back in Tucson on the 17th if there is no opening at Sunrise Park
Ski Resort.
Oh man, I paused in the middle of this post to play a little Drinking Counter Strike with Jeff Dodge. It was pretty brutal.
But once I got a couple beers in me, I started wooping Jeff's ass. And, I don't know if you have ever played anything with
Jeff, but if you had, you would know that at that point he just turned off the connection and left. I got a final tomorrow.
I need to pull an 82. It's gonna be easy.
|
| Ara's back! |
December 11 So Much in So Little Time: This isn't an update. I have nothing to talk about. Finals
start today and those should keep me PRET-TY busy. We'll see ya.
December 11 I Felt Like One Of Those People Who Just Want To Finish A Marathon: Tonight was the
annual beer mile. For those of you who don't know what a beer mile is, it is quite simple. Drink a beer, run a lap...do
that four times. Last year, I was sick and ran close to 9 minutes. This year, I was in much worse shape but assumed my
training in the beer drinking would more than make up for my running limitations, so I agreed to enter. Besides, I figured
I couldn't possibly be last. I vowed to not be last be dead last or run over 9 minutes.....I am a star.
My roomate, Dan "I live to run" Maher took the win with a time of 5:44 (I think). That means
the trophy (which we will get a photo of Dan with) is coming to the house. That means everyone wins! That is....everyone except
me. After beer #1 and the first curve, I decided that running this thing wasn't the best option for my tuesday night.
But I held out. By the third beer (end of the second lap), I was drinking with the girls who were racing. I think this
was the first time I hurled, but it was more of a regurgitation. Man dude, it was terrible. I mean, I am not much of
a beer chugger and I found myself having to stick my finger down my throat (like a sorority girl) on the backstretch (the
straightaway opposite the homestretch) just to make room for my lungs to expand down my diaphram....Fast forward to the
last lap, I was chasing down two hot bitches, and on the final straightaway I threw down my state-championship winning
and school record-setting "rocket-like kick" (as described by racist newspaper reporter Jesse Vanderson). I blew by them with
about 25 meters left and raised my hands in triumph. I had finished in 8:43 and I was 4th from last, beating only 3 girls. Minutes
later I threw up my dinner of french fries and my race fuel, Keystone Light, all over the track. The sad thing was that this
was, by far, not the grossest thing on the ground. For starters, AJ had oatmeal and he tossed up that and all four of his
beers! Now, before you go judging me, note that I finished all my beers. These girls were not drinking probably more
than half their beers after the first one. Hell, a lot of guys cut it short too. But I went the distance. So,
anyways, afterwards we hosted the post-beer mile part and I drank most a 40 (then I gave it to AJ) and had a couple burritos
and went to bed. I felt bloated, I mean, no one could love me when I feel this big. Oh, the photo is a shot of me
in my beer mile '02 outfit. I had the infamous camo-capris with Ryan Holloway's Air-force uniform top. So, now that I
think about it, I am glad I gagged up beer and throat-juiced all over it. Because thrown up beer and neck gunk is what we
think about the air force (or so my recruiter tells me)! But seriously, the guy is a trooper. He raced in just a womans' bikini
bottom (yes...it was gross) and he's gonna wear that top to work tomorrow. I will work with Air Force, and it is all because
of Ryan Holloway.
December 9 Don't Damn Me: I will be the first to admit that I had a few points of depression-style
sadness this year. Seeing the Diamondbacks lose, seeing the last episode of MASH for the first time, and hearing the
news about Logan all crushed my heart. But each time, I survived and I came back stronger, with a more calous moral code and bigger
wall between you and my feelings. But today, Jeff Dodge broke that wall down and my entire circulatory system, not
just my heart, was demolished. And this was just something he told me in passing that crushed me. The Guns n Roses tour
has been cancelled. MTV.com reports that after Axl didn't show up for another show, the promoters decided to cancel the tour.
This tour was going to give me my greatest hours of happiness in a year. This is just one more example of why
I hate MTV and concert promoters. Guns n Roses didn't want to cancell the tour. Som greedy promoter did because he isn't
about the music, he's about the dollar. Just like MTV! Fuck this shit. I want to die.
Whichis good because we have recently found out that I will, indeed, be exposed to Tear Gas when I go to Basic Training
next May. That should be exciting. As it was explained to me; "The tear gas won't kill ya, but it'll make ya wish you
were dead." Touche mon ami.
December 9 Buick Makane: A new renaissance is revivaltising here in the Tempe area. This
new area of cultural flourishing is being headed by an unlikely man though. That man is my roomate, Jeff "Bombdizzle"
Dodge, son of Mr. Mike Dodge, the owner of the city of Chandler, AZ.
Jeff has been chanting of his "new renaissance", a very original name, for some time but yesterday he took
the first step towards change. At one of the annual, hippie's-making-all-their-income-for-the-year-selling-the crap-they-painted-while-they-were-high-to-people-from-Scottsdale-who-want-to-feel-in-touch-with-anyone-who-is-less-than-upper-upper-middle-class-day
(read: Art Festival), Jeff purchased a book on learning russian. After dismissing our fears that it was nothing more
than an english-russian dictionary, Jeff began studying his new text book. What a mistake this all was. The book has no verbs.
Right now he's on chapter one and is just walking around the house screaming the russian forms of "cupboard" and "table".
Yesterday, he almost talked me into joining him at some communist party. But I feel all that much more reanaissanced for having
been a part of our sharing of thoughts. So, I agreed to join his little revival here in the U.S. I told Jeff I'd read
some classic work (like War and Peace) this winter and help get this ball rolling. Jeff even explained that the Southwest
is the time and place for a cultural revival because we have the best food around. I agreed. Then SuperAJ got all SuperFucked-up at a party on saturday and when I was driving him and Jeff home, Jeff kept farting on AJ's moaning
carcass. If you still aren't impressed enough by Jeff to join this movement, you need to check out his website. It will put to rest any fears that you will be the dumbest person in the New Renaissance.
December 6 Think About You: We got an email from Jason Colavito last night. It's pretty long and since I really don't feel like typing a whole response as well as an update,
I am going to make the response an update. My words are in Itallics. But I think this whole conversation would make sense
after I gave y'all this weeks bible quote, so, look out, here comes Daniel 5:33...
"At the same time my reason returned to me, and for the glory of my kingdom, my majesty and my splendor returned to me.
My nobels and lords sought me out; I was restored to my kingdom, and became much greater than before."
Now, the email/conversation between myself and Salpointe running star, Jason Colavito..
Dave,
How are things going up in Tempe? Hold on kid, I gotta get some chocolate milk... I
recently stumbled across your magnificent website and realized Alright, I'm back. Man, I was just talking
to Dan. Remember your sister? 'Cuz we do. how shitty school and specifically cross/track has become without your
humor and commentary, L-train, Ara, Chief Shut up. We both know Keathan wasn't funny after Levario stopped using him as
a prop, AJ, Gangles, and Fern-dog. Our entire team is composed of underclassmen and band members(and Elena). Yeah,
my bad. When I started to see the band infiltration I did my best to make them want to quit, but instead they just accpeted
their suckiness and they still have that one band chick that they all pass around huh? Well, at least the rest of
you can pass around Elena. How was your season? I guess my season went well as I won most Wed. meets, got 4th at
regionals You suck. I got third, and that was by like 1/123rd of a second., and fell apart at state I've been
there kid. The key is to sneak into the 3A race and really cause some damage.. Although I was easily one of the best
runners in the city, Vandersen, that racist, did not put my ass on any all-star team...oh well Not "oh well," you bitch!
You need to be like, "Hey Jesse. I'm black." Then maybe like win something really big or something. That would be
cool. You gonna run FootLocker? This weekend, I'm going to Footlocker to hopefully run well Good plan
there and on Sunday I'm running part of the Tucson Marathon with ODC Don't let him pull that elbowing you bullshit.
He used to do that to me at practice and I just wanted to smack him. You gone on Kairos yet?...I just went on Kairos
in November and finally found out why it is so appealing Yeah dude. I know first hand that its a prime way to get some
tang..well, second hand. I can't say that it changed my life it would have if you had a soul!, but it
made me realize how good my life really is. It didn't teach you any good grammar did it?(I know that is poor grammar)...I
can not believe your joining the army. Your mind is just like all over the place here, isn't it? That's pretty
sweet that the gov is going to pay for your school and all. Yeah, plus the gun training...which they can't take away
from me at dishonorable discharge. But yeah, you got any plans for college or anything? Oh yeah, I have
made up mind where to go to college, but I already have scholarships to UofA and ASU, and I'm applying to Santa Clara University
and the University of Portland it sure doesn't sound like your fucking mind is made up! And if you think "having made
up my mind" and "not having made up my mind" mean the same thing like "flammible" and "imflammible" You are grossly mistaken...
It seems Logan is doing well despite the fact he recently drown. What kind of fucking statement is that?? He didn't
drown! I have hope! I haven't seen Jeff in a while, but he has been promoted to dairy manager at the Ghetto
Safeway while he expands his Iron Maiden CD collection and plays 80's metal on his guitar you should have him come to
your races and play Iron Maiden's "The lonliness of the long distance runner" which is based on the movie by the same name.
Oh, and some Celine Dion. That's like all we listen to here at the website-development station...Well, I know this email
is fragmented, but informstive Whatever dude. Like I don't get informstive emails all the time. What the fuck does that
mean anyways? Send me an email with some...shit, what do you call that stuff? Its like news or facts....oh! Some fucking gossip!.
Anyways, all is well in Tucson. All is well? You're telling me if I go down there and check, I won't find
one fucking thing wrong? That sounds about right, Tucson is pretty radical. Except that you got 19 year old screw ups who
still live at home and don't go to school running around with tempers like 3 year olds. Email
me this winter and maybe we can hang out or some shit and some shit...And an excellent finish with "Some Shit"-squared.
But yeah dude. I wont actually be "in Tucson" per-se, but I will be in the white mountains teaching people how to ski
so you are free to come up and kick it with me and we'll blow out your knee or do something awesome that will destroy
your final track season this spring.
Peace, you mean piece....and stop trying to be like me.
Develop you're own style. Here, this is one I've been working on...."Sincerely"; it shows that you really mean what you just
said.
Jason Colavito
P.S. Jon, well, never forgive you for his emotional
scarring in Woods Class.
P.S.S.
Jon's a little bitch. None of those other kids I smacked with the drill are still holding it against me.
So, If you would like me to respond to your email on the air, just drop us a line here.
20021205 Dust 'n Bones: It all went down today. I spent a solid 11 hours downtown at 1 N. Washington
St. (its like a block north of America West Arena) getting checked up, checked out, tested, questioned, and enlisted. For
as much as I would love to bring you through my entire day, I just couldn't possibly fit it all into one post. So, I'm
just gonna hit the dozen or so highlights;
First, my main concern about failing the physical was because I was not blessed with the ablility to touch
my toes (shut up, Grant). However, if you can't do it, you're out. So, I was in the middle of my basic-movement crap (where
you walk like a duck, a parrot, and an ass) when he asked me to bend over an touch my toes. I thought I was really playing
it cool and I bent over and touched them all nonchilantly. It wasn't till I was sitting down hours later that I realized I
am in excruciating pain. I would like to think of myself as a star high school football kicker who was running on pure adrenaline and
took field for the game-winning field goal, then missed it and the Lancers were out of the playoffs (that's the kind of people
who kick for UA). Either way, I did pass that part and all is well.
Second, this was the first time I have ever taken a urinalysis with someone watching me. I mean, I got all
piss-shy the first time I went in and had to chug water for an hour before I could pull it off. Fortunately, the second
time I was in, there was some mexican dude (not that it matters) taking the test next to me and he was all choked
up...so I looked like a badass filling that cup up. I totally wooped his ass. But yeah, the dude who watched us
go..that's like his job. It's like, "what do you want to be in the army of one?" "Well, I'd like to watch guys do
their urinalysis tests and say shit to try to make 'em laugh while they are doing it." Alright, that isn't
entirely accurate; he was actually a civilian medical assistant (but he is as close to crazy as a medical person can be).
So, he was cool. But yeah, after one of the things the doctor had me do during the physical...having some guy watching me tinkle
was a walk in the park.
Third, Remember some posts back when I was talking about how I aced the practice test and how awesome I am? Well,
I was right (because I am awesome). Two people finished before me but I later learned that they were going into
the navy (so they weren't that bright anyways) and the coast guard (so they're sissies).
Fourth, I officially have Top Secret Clearance. Not "classified" clearance. Not "Secret" clearance. Top Secret clearance.
According to the men, if I let 'em know in advance that I am coming, I can go to bases and check some awesome shit out
that no one who visits this site is allowed to know (except you, Mr. President).
On the topic of bases, fifth, I can now take my official military ID to the base and buy AJ everclear....tax
free! See how everyone wins?
Finally, the details. I'm leaving for basic in late for Missouri now. Mark you calendars. They're
sending me to a hard Basic Training now. Exactly why they want one of their brightest in that humid-ass state is
curious to me. But yes, after that, I will fill in my official position as 97-Bravo (No, I don't know why that's
the code). For those of you who don't know Army stuff (like myself), that is the dealie for Conterintelligence Agent.
My job description, to find intelligence and run a counteroffensive, to be sure we continue to live the ignorant american
way of life. So, if you people every need anything...be sure to come to me.
Decmber 4 Dont' Cry (Org. Lyrics): I'm not updating. I don't have time. I got a paper on my political
ideology due tomorrow and I was doing some research when I came across this picture of these guys who did some research from
the College of Wooster. They were studying trees that got uprooted by some iceburg or something. Just so you know, Logan's
2nd choice school was the College of Wooster. It kind of made me wonder how things would be now had he decided to go study
iceburgs there instead. I guess there is not point thinking about it now. I gotta get up at 4:30 for my Army Testing day.
I guess thats not such a big deal either though, is it?
December 3 Dead Flowers: Thursday will be scare-tactics-central day. But I got nothing to
hide. Right?
Well, for all you people who I asked for information for background checkal information, your time to shine is now. Its
gonna be like this. You're a reflection of me now. If they think I'm hitting the bong, they're gonna go see if you are then
they are gonna plaster that on my ass (on my plaster that on my ass I mean give me a 60 day hold). Oh? You don't believe
me, eh? Well, here's how I am told it goes down.
You're sitting back in your nice comfortable dorm/apartment/house at your Pac-10/Big Sky/Ivy League school
when a knock comes on the door. You open it to see some dude in a coat. You ask whats up ("What's up?". He asks when the last
time you smoked weed with David Hohman was ("When was the last time you smoked weed with David Hohman?"). You do a double
take (maybe rub your eyes in disbelievement) and tell him you never smoked weed with me. Then, he flashes his FBI
badge at you and goes on his way. So, for all you people who volunteered your addresses and phone numbers; 1) I didn't know
they would actually interrogate any of you, 2) Thanks. Because you are all some of the finest folks I know (because
you trust me with your address) I am gonna get some Top Secret Clearance my way. 3) If I ever smoked weed with you, (which
I haven't haven't you dirty liar!) let's just keep that our little secret. Because, otherwise, after 60 days I am
coming after your ass with an AK (not the state)!
For the rest of you, if you plan on spending any time in the greater South Carolina area this summer, why don't you make
plans to see old Dave....since that is where I will be shipped for my east coast limey-style basic training. Finally,
if you think you got anything to say about the website before it goes down for some time, I don't enlist until Thursday and
you can email here.
December 2 Down on the Farm: I'm tired. Straight up beat. I've been collecting information/photos
for the Logan Dick tribute and it's tearing me up inside. So, along with porjects, papers, and tests I am just burnt. I
know it'll be all worth it in the end but if my posts are less than stellar for the next week, forgive thee.
Today, all I have to tell the fine people who visit my site is that my security clearance went through. That's right,
with all the posts on SuperAJ.Com and the whole Logan being dead thing, I am still a very trusted person. In fact, my
recruiter even put his neck on the line and vouched for me when they wanted to question the trustworthyness of the David.
That means if I do something crazy like Fax our nuclear secrets to Bejing, its his ass. How many of you people would
do that for me? Exactly. And I won't forget that when I am running background checks. So, probably by the end of
this week, we will know what the future has in store for David J (for Juniper Sierra) Hohman.
|
| It looks like a giraff print in this photo...its actually hunting cammo |
December 01 Out Ta Get Me: If you are reading this, its probably because you IMed me asking how
my break went. Well, being the efficient guy that I am, I sent you the link to this site and you followed it. Good for you.
I'd say the highlight of my break was getting caught moving Brian Eller (of Billy and the Nose Goblin fame)'s car out
of his driveway. See, Brian spent the day at Mt. Lemmon (the Tucson equivalent of Mt. Vesuvius) with his family so Peter Koury
(of Boxingmania III Tag-Team match fame) opted to pull a "prank". The original plan was to roll Brian's 1985 corolla out of the driveway, turn
it around, then back it in. It was going to be harmless. After successfully breaking into the car and taking off
the emergency break, we were able to the roll the car into the street. This is when problems began. Namely,
the steering wheel locked-up and we would only be able to push the car straight, but now, straight was at an angle into his
driveway. After a couple minutes of laughing we decided our best option was to push the car back into their driveway,
blocking any entrance to their garage, and get the hell out of there. Pete got to the back of the car
and I gripped the frame on the driver's side when I heard Peter say, "Oh shit. Here they come." I had four
options: 1) Stay and suffer the consequences;
2) Stay and lie about what was going on;
3) Slap a bow on the sucker and offer it to the neighbor outside watering his plants;
4) Blindside Pete with a right-hook and make a break for the desert.
I know. We made the wrong decision in #1. Instead, Brian's mom just pulled up, rather angrily asked what was going on,
then went inside. Brian went and got the keys and put the car back. I still swear it was funny and was forgiven. Peter has
not been so fortunate.
Other than that, it was a pretty simple vacation. When I wasn't blowing pranks, I did find the time to sew this awesome
backpack together. No pattern or anything. I'm gonna tell everyone its a Gap prototype.
November 27 Get in the Ring: I went back to the OP yesterday afternoon and I don't
plan on updating again until Sunday evening. Its a shame that my classes today were cancelled because I really expect there
to be some sort of rally on campus today (with it being a national holiday and all). A little information I
have learned today though. First, Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving too. Now, I'm not saying they want to be just like us but
stupid, but they have some very American tendencies. Second, somehow this site has become, like, The Place when
it comes to picking at the french. I figure even my political ideologies professor realized it because he brought a very interesting
piece of French information to my attention today. Now, we all know the french are sissies. Not just as
individuals, but as an army as well. I mean, they got a Hohmey for just getting a character in the CounterStrike game. Anyways, according to my professor, who really seems
to know his shit, the last ship the French Military actually sank was the Rainbow Warrior. For those of you who don't
keep on Ecocrazy organizations, you should because you must know your enemy. Also, you should because you would
know that the Rainbow Warrior was the largest seagoing vessel in Greenpeace's vegitable-powered navy. That's right. Everyone
has to pick on someone. America picks on everyone else, everyone else picks on the french, the french (very snootifully) opt
to send in their delta force (aka Chareles De Gaul) to pick on Greenpeace.
Now, don't get me wrong. I think Greenpeace planning on milling around the waters where France is about to test
a hydrogen bomb is a completely legit reason to kill a crewhippie and sink the boat. The probablem was France's course of
action. See, if I were France, I would let 'em go right into the testing waters, then I would detonate my H-bomb,
ravaging everything and everyone on board the Rainbow Warrior. Then I would have a thin cigarette and let everyone know that
we aren't taking any shit from anyone. Instead, the french went about it classical french manor (you know, being a mime)
and millions of dollars in donations poured in and now Greenpeace has an even bigger ship, the Rainbow Warrior II.
So, just thought this might be something to think about over break.
November 26 November Rain: Man, I've been waiting all month to use that one and today it finally
rained (notice how today is in November).
We've gotten quite an array of responses from people finding out that Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com T-1983, David Hohman, will
be joining the United States Army (test results pending). The best result being from his recruiter, Sgt. Alex Tovar (know as The Sarge to us) who gave us a goodie bag with a pen, some stickers, a keychain, and stuff. There is a tie for the
most negative response though. Without naming names, one girl in my class got all scared and whiny saying I was going to get
killed (it didn't get me any 'tang) and another girl got all pissed off, telling me how I am the reason that other nations
hate us and why America=Evil (Obviously these are the nations that don't read the site...except the French). So, to all the
people that question my entering-the-militariness, read the fuck up. Crazy-ass extremists are going to attack our public (This weekend to be exact...so I suggest staying off the roads).
So, for the crying girl, chill out because, as this rate, I'm dead either way. At least in the army I get a cheap life insurance
policy. For the crazyass, bitchyass, hippieass, nappyhairyass, butchass, angryass girl, just shut the fuck up. I'm not even
going to waste time explaining how there was actually wars before I was born and if we didn't have some sort of military in
place we'd all be in worse shape (except that mangy bitch). Alright, with that off my chest, I have been recently informed, via email, that Logan Dick (bless his heart), after aborting the handlebar project, actually grew out a form of barrish moustache
before his incident. What a guy. Back to that girl who is all pissed that I am joining the army...in the words of the allustrious Jeff "Bombdizzle"
Dodge, "You are so cut."
Novermber 25 Coma: I hope this weekend was a good chance for everyone to morn and all that jazz.
Apparently the news is still spreading so we're going to leave the announcement post on the home page here so if you tell
someone the news, be assured that the news will still be on the front page.
Moving along, Man0fSea0sns.Tripod.Com Ski Buddy, David Hohman will officially be ski instructing at Sunrise Park Resort
in the White Mountains. So, if y'all are gonna be up in the area over winter break...come see the Hoh Man.
Continuing on, we're still looking for ideas for the Logan Dick Tribute.
Finally, things are really slowing down around here, so why don't you go check out this site that some snowboard guy told me about this weekend.
November 22 Since I Don't Have You: We're still going to post today because we know that's how
Logan would have wanted it. But, I just don't know what to say. I was working on the Logan Dick Tribute and its
going to be too large for me to do by next week, so it is going to be our end of the semester post before we take off winter
break. Please, if you have any photo's of Logan or any stories about him, send them to us; we'd like to include them.
Umm...in other news, we are still planning on taking off this weekend in the L-Train's memory, so you can read his posts.
I also know that a lot of you have been having a hard time dealing with his alledged passing, so I got some people from the
physocolgy dept. to stay in the ballbreaker chatroom (below the webcam) and have a counciling session there. So, if you
need support, please, feel free to get some here.
Sorry this post is so bad; I'm just exhausted. Between crying, balling, sobbing and rolling up in the fetal postion I
have been filling out numerous of pages of background information for my security clearance. I don't know how many
of our members have had to get a background check for government security before, but its like the social equivalent
of a rectal exam. They're asking everything (except my sexual preference) and I am having a hell of a time coming up with
explanations for all the shit that I have held away from all you people for so long that I had convinced myself that these
events never happened. So, I'm going to retreat to the mountains for the weekend, then come back and hopefully we
can get by for a few more weeks.
Piece.
David J. Hohman - Webmaster
November 20 Back Off Bitch: Before anything else, I would just like to say that I have a
much larger audience than I thought. After the post a couple days ago, I got an overwhelming response from readers asking
me to give the anomous conversationier from the post a Hohmey. I also got an easily whelming response from people who didn't seem to get the humour. That's cool too, I guess. I mean,
thats why there are sites like this.
Second, I also received quite the large e-mail response from readers wondering if I had seen the silent protest on campus
yesterday and what my thoughts on it were. Yeah, I saw it. I must say, it's probably my favorite protest since the L.A.Rights
(who trashes their own neighborhood?). For all you non-ASU students, some punkass hippies stood around not talking because
those gays got kicked out the military. Since people actually took the time to ask for my opinion, I shall share it and
then see if I have time for other stuff I would like to babble about, so I'll tell you what I told a viewer
from UA. The military is prejudice. Not just The Military but, more importantly, the individuals in the military.
Yes, it would be great if we could all just get along, but we can't. Might this policy be simply to protect gays,
to some extent, from the discrimination they are bound to receive in the service? And, it just so happens that the prejudice ones
make up the majority of Americans who are willing to go out and put their own lives on the line so, I'm sorry, but
to me, now is not the time to get our military all up in arms (Yeah, there's a pun) and have people drop out and shit because
people want to be open with their sexuality. Hey, I know it sounds bad and I'm sure I'm gonna hear it from some of you. But the racist, homophobic, uneducated indivduals are what our army is made up of. And, right now, we're counting
on having our millions of servicemen ready should something break out. As for this particular instance; it was a no-win either way. The military makes a simple enough request that
these linguists just don't announce that they are gay. Apparently, it isn't enough to not let every single person know their
sexual preference though. So, rather than saying, "Well, we really need linguists now, so we'll keep you guys around,"
the army kicked 'em out. So, at least they were consistent with their policy. I mean, I say the minute they crack and
keep one homosexual, they should drop that policy all together. This way, the next time these protesters come stinking up
the walkways (with picket signs made up paper and sticks....both of which are WOOD products), you don't have to hear them
bitch about how the military is inconsitent with their policies (like the rest of the government).
Now look, it would be better if things were different and there were not these problems but there are. In time they will
be handled with, but now is just not the time. Personally, I don't care if you are gay or not (unless you are chick)
and, in reality, I don't think it is a good policy to discriminate against fully qualified killing machines. However,
I did think of a couple interesting things during the post, (1) How come these hippies never protest to allow women
in combat? I've actually done a little research on this and I can't find a time when a group has protested to allow
women in combat. Not just "Some combat-related positions" but all of them. If someone finds a case as such, send
it to me, I want to give those wymin some mad props. (2) This protest, it was to let gays into/keep gays in the
military. But aren't these the same people who protest against our military involvement everywhere? I mean, make-up
your minds. If the military is evil and is always pulling shit, then why do you expect them/want them to be so open to recruitment?
I mean, I would protest that gays just stop serving in the U.S. military and start their own Rainbow Battalion or something.
I mean, if this affected me, I'd say the way to get the military to change its policy is to have people who actually would
have joined (not the hippies...we know they're the enemy) voice that they will not join until the policy changes. Then,
theoretically, the Army would dwindle in numbers and the policy would be cast out or our small national militia would be taken
over by Communist China (Where they aren't as liberal about homosexuality) or France (which is just about the flimsey-writedist
country I can think of). But that will never happen.
November 20 Right Next Door To Hell: I went to visit my local Army recruiter today. I'll
spare you the details of my 2.5 hr visit, but I let's just say that other countries are in big trouble. I mean, we're
talking rambo (in the reserves) here.
I went in and they were like, "What do you want to be in the army of one?"
I said, "Rambo."
Staff Sgt. Tovar told me, "Rambo isn't real."
I said, " Are you guys the ones from Operation Dumbo Drop?"
He blushed then told me it was actually the Air Force's idea.
"How about Red October then?"
"Well," he told me, "Jack Ryan was our idea. Red October is kinda more naval. We're more of a ground force."
"So what's with the poster that says there are over a million people in the army of one?"
"Its the only way we can get around title nine."
"So, I guess that gets you around affirmative action too."
He stared at me and told me the army would diminish if there had to actually be enrollment reflective of society.
"Think we could still take the french in that case?"
"The VA hospital could take the french."
"Yeah..."
"So what are you looking to be here?"
"I don't know. Is there some kinda questionaire I could take to narrow my choices?"
"Yeah, you could take the intelligence questionaire and then we can take your score and eliminate some possibilites."
...45 minutes later...
"Okay, well, let's see here; alright, you correctly answered all the questions..."
"Does that mean I get to jump out of planes?"
"It means you can have doughnut."
"You got any eclaires?"
"Listen bitch; you're gonna be a reserve until I am at least 27, you get one fucking doughnut."
"Alright, give me the frosted one then."
"So what do you want to do?"
"Send me to college."
"Okay, we have something lined up for people of your high intelligence..."
Everything that happened after that is highly classified but the important part of the story is that I
am totally smart. All you people who questioned this brain power; you questioned the ultimate Inigma. I'm like Shaq,
who is like pythagorean's therom cuz "No one knows the answer." So, for all the people who ever said they were smarter
than me (especially ex-friends and ex-girlfriends), they aren't. In fact, they're probably just artistic because that's my
only weakness (along with physical strength). So, just beware, when I get gun...there's gonna be hell to pay. And I am going
to run background checks on everyone I know.
|
| I don't think Strong Bad wears leather pants, dude. |
November 18 Madagascar:One of the fans of our site emailed me this conversation. Now, since I
have not yet expressed that I don't want you people doing mean/crazy shit then sending it to me to post, I am going to let
this one slide and print it. The sender asked that I cover his name so I will. And I want you all to know that if you send
me stuff, I will gladly conceal your name as well.
**** **** *****: are you asian?
Tak Lay: yes
Tak Lay: who's this
**** **** *****: cuz thats an asian name
****
**** *****: i mean....i figure its asian because....if you figure the letters out mathmatically...well, i dont need to explain
that to you
Tak Lay: who is this
Tak Lay: and how did you get my mail
**** **** *****: mail?
**** **** *****:
this is IM
Tak Lay: how did you get my im then
**** **** *****: what i want to know is how those porno links get it
Tak
Lay: what the fuck are you talking about
**** **** *****: you never get those porno links of girls claiming to have webcams?
Tak
Lay: no
Tak Lay: now tell me who the fuck you are
**** **** *****: im the wild west ninja
**** **** *****: its awesome
****
**** *****: hey PingPong...
**** **** *****: is it true your women have sideways vaginas?
Tak Lay: bitch you don' even
know who your talking to
Tak Lay: so shut the fuck up
**** **** *****: wait
**** **** *****: this is Tak LAy isnt
it?
Tak Lay: if i find out who the fuck you are i am going to kill you
**** **** *****: ninjitsu cousin of Frito Lay?
****
**** *****: its ok....I'm a ninja
**** **** *****: hence the name
**** **** *****: <-----Wild West Ninja
Tak Lay:
if i ever find out who you are you will finally learn what a ninja really is
**** **** *****: i'm a ninja
**** ****
*****: you could be my sidekick, "NAU Samurai"
Tak Lay: ya a dick suck ass fuck ninja
**** **** *****: bukkake?
****
**** *****: so what are you studing up there, Tad?
Tak Lay: tell me who the fuck you are fist
Tak Lay: first
****
**** *****: nice grasp of the language there
Tak Lay: why don't you just blow me
**** **** *****: beside the known fact
that asianz have small wee-wees?
**** **** *****: You know, I think we got off on the wrong foot here....
**** ****
*****: Hi, I'm Wild West Ninja, I rove eggrors. Who are you?
Tak Lay: you must really be sucking dick to know this
Tak
Lay: am the fuck thats going to slick your fuckin throat
**** **** *****: slick my throat?
**** **** *****: would this
include Wasabee?
**** **** *****: are you really a ninja too?
Tak Lay: why don't you come here and find out
****
**** *****: i haven't seen you at any of the meetings.
Tak Lay: what meetings
**** **** *****: the ninja meetings
****
**** *****: last year we met in Tokyo...it was awesome
**** **** *****: So are you from Thailand or what?
**** ****
*****: M. Bison's from thailand. Strange how he is so white huh?
Tak Lay: you must be some stupid ass fuck to be talking
about ninjas
**** **** *****: what do you mean? I am a ninja
**** **** *****: i mean, I figure its cool to talk about
with fellow ninjas, samurais and shogun warriors
**** **** *****: you never told me...which of those are you
Tak Lay:
why don't you just shove that crap up you ass
**** **** *****: what crap?
**** **** *****: You aren't a ninja are you???
****
**** *****: Or are you like Jet Li in "The One"
Tak Lay: who the fuck are you
Tak Lay: why the fuck won't you tell
me you name
**** **** *****: sorry, I'm the wild west ninja...i didnt mean to get ya all fired up
Tak Lay: are you a
fuckin afraid
**** **** *****: go ahead and get back to whatever you were doing...I'm going to have some soft serve ice
cream
**** **** *****: and a fortune cookie
November 18 Don't Cry (alt. lyrics): I am an awesome buissnessman. For, as of this weekend,
Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com has officially acquired Runwilder.Tripod.Com. The move officially happened Sunday afternoon at 2:75 pm when Runwilder creator, Dan Maher, put up a
post on the site noting that it was now under new management. So, though the site still declares some sort of "Retribution
Project" is coming soon....don't hold your breath. This is the second page (along with GonnaGitYourKid) that Man0fSeas0ns
has taken control of and the first that has not spawned from creative jenius David Hohman.
In other news, whats the deal with check clearification services? These private companies don't have access to your
account information; all they do is look at you prior check writing habits and make a decision if they think your
check is good. For example, I went down to Ski Pro this weekend to get some bitchin' new ski equipment to hurt myself in. Having the money in my credit account, I wrote
the store a check and soon found that it was declined. Maybe I didn't have the money after all. So I wrote them a smaller
check to cover the layaway cost but it was also declined. That didn't make sense. I knew I had $200 in my account. So, they
gave me a notice from their check verification company that said to call them if I had questions. Well, like any
other person who wants to know why some random third party is telling them why they can't spend their own money, I called.
I discovered that they could not even tell me exactly why the check did not clear. The way the operator explained
it to me was that, though I had no negative remarks on my financial history, I didn't show habits of writing large checks
(I assume to buissnisses because I write a rent check for at least $250 every month) so this check clearance company
decided that a retail store should not accept my check. Interesting, but I guess this was the first time I had signed
an $800 check so maybe this wasn't so unreasonable. I asked why my second check was declined. It turns out that since I
had a check recently declined, they put like a 24 hour grace period on clearing any of my checks. Even though the
only reason I wrote the second check is because they wouldn't clear my first one! I asked the operator, if I go write another
$200 check tomorrow, will it clear? He couldn't tell me. They don't know what will or will not clear, it's questionable.
Which brings me to this issue; I can't write checks because they get declined. My checks are declined because I don't have
a history of writing checks. I don't have a history of writing checks because these fuckers who really don't even know
what is going on, decline it. A fucked up system? Yes, to say the least. So rather than sit here and be logical and say that
instead of having private companies, which have no real information (like how much is in my account), be replaced by a single
government-controlled company that all the banks can share their information with; I am going to be normal
for five minutes. So listen up you all arsonists, terrorists, punkass teenagers and suicide bombers.
No matter what you destroy, people will hear your message. It's not what you blow up or burn down; its just that you do the
deed. So, how about throwing old David a bone here. You'd be doing society a much bigger favor bringing the property of places
that cause this much of an inconvience than to do the other crap you've been doing. You're on the right track, just
a little off. See, American society isn't bad because we're materialistic and boisterus (those are actually
our strong points), it's flawed because we have people making money by making everyone else's life a hassel. I'm
not just talking about these check cashing places (though I hope a slow painful death for whoever the brainchild behind
that is), I'm talking about the guy who has the key to the bathroom. I'm talking about whoever thought of pop-ups. I'm
talking about telemarketers and spammers. I'm talking about lawyers that'll sue your ass for anything. Its all bullshit
and if you look at it logically, society is more likely to let your terrorist group last longer if you blow up our inconviences
instead of the buildings with our children and 401K files inside. Cause you know they say; it's better to be noticed
for doing something good than to be noticed for being an anti-american.
|
| This guy is almost as pumped up as Jeff Dodge about Notre Dame's season |
November 17 You Can't Put Your Arms Around A Memory:There has been rave responses to our last
post; mainly people wanting to know more about Ara. At first, I didn't really want to share all my Ara stories because I didn't
know what his thoughts would be. However, when Jeff offerred to let me copy over his new Justin Timberlake CD, "Justified",
I threw out any morals I once had and spilt everything. So, for Jeff's enjoyment, here is one of my favorite Ara Parseghian
moments.
Ara came into Salpointe when I was Sophmore and my good friend (and BMIII 40's of Death punching bag) Mike
Levario was a senior. A little background on Mike; he's a funny guy. A little history on Ara; apparently, like everyone knew
who he was when enterred high school (but he still lost the Prom King election). Right, so Ara had this pair
of orange shorts that have one pocket right in the middle of butt. I don't know why it's there,but it is. And
for some reason, finding a way to unzip that thing gave Mike a reason to live. I'd say a good half hour of practice
everyday was geared towards scheming to get this pocket unzipped. Oh yeah, on the background thing, Ara's a something
or other blackbelt. Mike's grandma is an awesome cook. Not exactly a fair match-up. So when we were standing over
by the water fountain Mike made his move and, like a fox protecting her baby foxes, Ara struck with once hand, grabbed
Mike's arm and manipulated it in some way that left Mike kneeling on the ground and Ara holding his wrist. I'd
say after that, no one gave Ara any more shit...but that isn't how it turned out. People just increased the verbal
annoyances and I bugged him for a couple of years to teach me karate stuff which I don't think he taught me any of because
I don't remember. Mike didn't leave alone either. Dan kinda did.
If you were all waiting for stories about how girls randomly come up and ask for a lock of his hair or how
he ran into a bench while playing frisbee, you'll just have to wait.
November 14 Paradise City: Due to a mixture of factors (laziness, lack of material, poor timing
and the such) I am going to count this, a late Thursday night update to count as Friday. So, don't worry, you will still get
my Bible-bablle for this week. My GNR tickets still haven't shown so here you have Ecclesiastes 3:8
"A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war and a time of peace."
I didn't include the first 7 lines because I am sure you all know the song by The Byrds and you know about a time
for killing/healing etc. The point is...I was at mass in high school my senior year when they read this passage for the
reading. They probably picked it because schoolwide masses were held in the gym and the acoustics were so crappy
that they figured we knew the jist of the passage. I thought I understood the jist until my good friend Logan
Dick (Yeah, the one from Dick Dialogue), who was worshipping next to me, turned and said, "There's a time for hate? When's
that?" I stared at the floor for what felt like 10 minutes and the next thing I knew I could not stop laughing. I mean,
I sat there through the rest of the service trying not to get caught crying. I don't know why I laughed. It was a legitimate
question. I probably laughed because I had no idea what the answer was. I mean, yeah, it's an Old Testament so the
New Testament could override the message but nowhere in the homily did Fr. Fred elaborate on the word
of the bible. At least, Logan didn't hear him, I was too busy containing my enthusiam for the Church's latest contradiction. I
actually wanted to write about this experience last year but I thought I would try to get an answer before spouting off.
I visited with Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com Bapitimal Priest, Father Brian Henden O'Carm, and I asked him, with the slight
giggle I tend to carry, when exactly the time to hate was. I must say, he handled the question quite well (Like
Randy Moss on Sundays in the Metrodome). At first he looked at me all pissed like I had come back to find him
simply to call him on a trillion year old piece of literature. But then he realized I was serious and explained to me
how hate is just anger and apartently you are allowed to hate, but only for a while because then you have to butch
up and start loving again. Hate is one of those flaws that humans carry. This was only a couple months after the New
York City terrorist attacks so he used that as an example. Anyways, he really made sense (I condensed it for you) in answering
my religious question so, Much Kudos to Fr. Brian. And for all you people out there hatin' it up; its all good, just be finished
by next Wednesday.
If you don't know (like Jeff Dodge didn't) who the photo is, it is Coach Ara Parseghian's grandson, Ara Parseghian. A
recent conversation
JDASU145: who is that a pic of
Wild West Ninja: ara parseghian's grandson
JDASU145:
hilarious
Wild West Ninja: yeah
Wild West Ninja: i rule; check this out
Wild West Ninja: Air a 11d4: who the hell
is jeff dodge, and why is he more pumped about the notre dame season than i am?!
JDASU145: that
is awesome
Wild West Ninja: you should IM him about asians
JDASU145: you are talkin to the
coach's grandson
Wild West Ninja: yeah
Wild West Ninja: we're close
JDASU145: tell him
to thank his grandpa for letting Rudy be on the team
Wild West Ninja: you tell him. I can't do that.
JDASU145:
you tell him
Wild West Ninja: No way! He is my friend.
JDASU145: whats his screen name
Wild
West Ninja: air a 11d4
JDASU145: im gonna do it
JDASU145: i did it.
So if you ever want to talk about Rudy, Notre Dame Football or Frisbee, you can contact Ara c/o Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com
at AOL screename Air a 11d4.
November 13 My World: We don't have a lot for today, but what we do have is important. First,
I am sure you are all wondering about that smelly picture I have up. Well, yes, it does mean that I have come through with
my promise and brought you the Dan Maher Halloween Picture. Its spooky. He's got devil eyes. Next, my Guns N' Roses Tix haven't
come yet so I will save how awesome I am for another day. Third, if you haven't noticed a couple changes; we're
keeping the Old Pueblo NCAA2003 current season stats below on the empty side of the page. Keep up. Also, in
light of GNR coming to town, we have subsitituted Bud Light commercials with GNR music and all posts from now on will
be titled after GNR songs. Next up, this week will mark Hohmey Award Winner Strong Bad's 50th email. Go ahead and check him out. Continuing on, we, Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com will officially be taking over Runwilder.Tripod.com. I know this will be our first website acquisition, but believe me; we know we can do better and we're
not proud of this one. So, I think that is it for now. Also, if y'all know site promoter Dave Hohman. be looking for him instructing skiing at Sunrise Park Ski Resort this winter. He's the man. More tomorrow....
|
| Me; Hating on The Man |
11-11 Blame Canada! Jeff "Bombdizzle" Dodge went with AJ and I to another Coyotes game on Saturday.
It ended with the Vancouver Canucks skating away with a bittersweet 4-2 victory. We had $4 ($9-5 for ASU students) seats so
you could imagine the view. We couldn't even see the goal closer to us. And late in the third period we realized
that the row in front of us had padded chairs so we moved. The highlight of the night came when there were about six
guys claiming to be from Canada walking around and being asses (i.e. being Canadian). The usher guy made em sit their asses
down eventually (and fortunately) about three rows in front of us but on the other side of the aisle. Being the patriotic
Americans that we are, we took it upon ourselves to avenge our failing team. First we opened with "aboot"; but recieved little
attention. However, we soon learned that yelling at them and ending all our sentences with "ay." was their achillies
heel. Getting the foreign devils all worked up, the men began swearing at us and throwing up the finger. Enough
so that the usher felt the need to go over and talk to them....twice. Eventually, with the help of a not-funny fat guy
behind us and the not-funny-but-really-trying geek in front of us, we were able to to get those [french]-canadians worked
up enough that the usher got a female security guard to escort them out. About ten minutes later Jeff noticed them in
the nosebleed chairs all the way across the arena from us. We had won. It was awesome...just like America.
Also during the evening Jeff and I came up with some ways to improve on hockey. Take 'em to heart, or take 'em rectally:
1) Allow some sort of declining of icing. Maybe raising your arm or something as you get the puck. It'd help keep the
flow of the game going if you're just going to line up a Flying V anyways.
2) Shorter breaks between periods. These mini-halftimes are as long as the periods. JEff thinks these guys get enough
rest as is and they need to butch-up. Me? I only saw 'em really trying hard in the last few minutes.
3) 3 game series. The ice hockey schedule has you only playing one game against a team before leaving town. This sucks
because A) all that travelling is bad for the players, the environment, etc. B) it doesn't allow for bad blood to form. Think
about it, if you allow these guys to take each other on for three days straight....something is bound to get thrown down.
4) Chinese Goalies. As Jeff Dodge describes these, "little balls of energy" they would be awesome goalies because they'd
be jumping here and there and blocking stuff with flips and crap. It'd be amusing for me.
5) Shots from behind the blue line are worth two points. Hockey is just a frozen indoor soccer field with sitcks
and a puck and in indoor soccer longer shots are worth more. Hockey players should be rewarded for awesome shots too.
November Eighth Sometime's I Cry Because I am so Beautiful: So much to talk about from the last
24 hours. I'll just take it from the top. It's Friday, so here's your bible quote from James 4: 13-14:
Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we shall go into such and such a town, spend a year htere doing buissness,
and make a profit"--you have no idea what your life will be like tomorrow. You are a puff of smoke that appears briefly and
then disappears.
In this warning against presumption; I learned, last night, that you can't presume just because a team has the best record
in the NHL they will win. That's right, that's a photo of me AJ took with his webcam at the game where I was pissed.
It was good though. We got $85 seats at scalper price ($20) out front and scored free programs at our seats. Then the Coyotes
went on to destroy the #1 MInnesota Wild 4-1. There was even a little fighting in the last 12 and 6 seconds of the game. And
to top the night off, a girl gave us free passes outside the arena! To what you might ask? To a strip club nearby (but I didn't
know that unitl after I had taken them). So, we will likely be back on Sat. to sit in the crappy seats for $4 (w/valid student
ID) to watch the Phoenix play the Vancouver Canucks. AJ got some $5 pizzsa coupons too.
Today also proved to have some website value. AJ informed me that I look like Russel Crowe so he gets a photo on the page. Also, Megan and Matt Mandel and a friend came and
visited me today. It was sweet. But the highlight of today was easily the frisbee marathon we threw down this afternoon.
For 3.5 hours we played a game of frisbee. I dont mean we played games or had half time. It was 210 minutes of frisbee...striaght.
Today my team got wailed on so it wasn't as fun as it may have been; not mention that I was playing like ass. Also,
though usually a god idea, i did not play with shoes. So, when I got back and got in the shower, I could see my pain floating
down to the drain. It was a dirty mixture of earth, grass, and blood and it stung. It still stings and I have a blood
blister than looks like a small Idaho on the ball of my right foot that I am not looking forward to popping. The highlight
of the game, if it was not me and Adam colliding in the end-zone, was Jeff Dodge, unlooker, staring down this guy, Dave,
on my team who asked him to sub for him., before dryling stating that, "Yo, Jeff Dodge doesn't play frisbee. Burn!...Out!" For
the record, Jeff will probably go see 8 mile tonite. If you go see it, I hope only the worst for you. Wow, that wasn't very amusing at all. Go check out internet mamograms if you want to be humoured. One more thing...I can't belive I nearly forgot! Guns N' Fucking Roses is going to be coming to Phoenix sometime! I will
be there....oh yes, I will be there. You shouldn't because you do not love them as I do.
|
| Cicely Ott, in Klassic Klan Klothing, as the marshmallow in a halloween s'more. |
November 7 Your Stupid Little Broken Heart Doesn't Even Start To Compare To This: If you read
yesterday's article, you would have been up to date on the state of the Oro Valley State Yeti-Ninjai football team. Well,
we played Miami yesterday after the post was up. They came out strong and were looking to score their second touchdown in
the first quarter when we decided to call in Big Gun. Big Gun is, of course, the unmaking-sense nickname of
had-been redshirt receiver, David Hohman (#91). He'd been redshirting all season, after winning the Receiver of the year,
offensive player of the year, and Heisman trophy awards in 2002, his freshman season. After we called
him down to play, we broke loose and won 50 to 30. It was a glorious day and after the dust had cleared, we were #2
in the media and coaches polls, but still #3 in the BCS poll. With only two conference games remaining, OVS beat the life
out of UNLV (6-7) and SD State (0-13). But the surprise came after the final game. For, heading into the that week,
Oro Valley was ranked #1 in the BCS and media polls (#2 in the coaches) and the #2 and #3 team, Virgina Tech and
Ohio State sat undefeated but were playing unranked opponesnts. Well, those must have been a couple of important unranked
teams they played because when my boys got home, they found out they were getting a piece of shit all-expsense paid trip to
the Rose Bowl to play the PAC-10 Champions, the Washington State Cougars (9-4)! What bullshit! Now, the Championship
game will be played between two stupid-ass undefeated teams! I mean, I can understand how Virgina Tech. got put back
into first place, their schedule was kinda difficult (but how hard could it have been? they didnt play me!) But Ohio
State! Horse shit! This team is undefeated because they think they're Jeff or Grant (that is, playing on an easier difficulty
setting than myself)! And, I'm still #2 in the Media and Coaches Polls! The only reason I am not in the Sugar Bowl is
because of Technology! Have you ever lost a paper becaus your computer is a bitch? Try losing out on a chance, just
a chance, to prove that you are the greatest. Yeah, we had two losses. Two overtime losses! One to the team that
was #1 at the time and the other to another ranked team. These were early season games. The yeti-ninjai were the
best team out there when the bowl season rolled around and now they are getting the royal screwjob (AKA the Joan Collins Special)!
Were the Angels the best team in baseball at the start of the season? No, but like the twins, they played and showed
up to the playoffs and, unlike the twins, took home a ring. So fuck you people who say we don't belong there. We were
the top scoring/top ypg/passing ypg team in the country. We took on anyone and everyone. Shit, we played four games
on Monday night alone, and we won them all! Tell me that isn't drainning. In my two season at Oro Valley State this is the
second year I had a Heisman Winner (WR Townsend #84), my second year with an offensive player of the year (Townsend), Receiver
of the year (Townsend), and Quarterback of the year (L. Logan). Not to mention that Logan was also a Heisman nominee!
My second year with an undefeated Mountain West Championship! We should be in that game. So I say fuck this. I dont know
how much clearer it could be that I belong in the BCS championship; but if there were any discrepancies, my school should
have foudn the right people and "made them understand". But they didn't! Administration was "just so happy to see us
do well" that they didnt feel it was necessary to give my team this extra "backing". So, I am letting it be known
right now; I have one more game this season. We are going ot kill Washington State. Not just on the points either.
For many of Washington State's younger players, this is the last game of football they'll ever see standing. For The OVS adminsitration,
I do not know. I may or may not stay for another year. I have quite an investment in Hohman and I think I can get
some of the nation's best recruits so I can cut them. But, I do say this, if OVS is lucky to get me back for another season,
I will win the NAt'l Championship. And after that one season, I am gone. I want to coach at University of Nevada-Reno and
they will give me what I want. So, fuck this one last hoorah for my seniors; as far as I am concerned a Rose [bowl] will
never smell as sweet as Nokia Sugar [bowl].
November 06 Arizona to be Represented in Game of the Week: With a 9-0 record, the nation's
#1 team, the Miami Hurricanes have only one more hurdle to get over before bowl game season. Unfortunately, this
one hurdle could realistically take them out of the National Championship Nokia Sugar Bowl game. This hurdle is, of course,
the nation's #4 team, the Oro Valley State Yeti-Ninjai. With a 7-2 record, this team definately looks out of place when
the next closest team with that record is #10 Maryland. Jeff Dodge had described O.V. State's ranking as, "Total
Bullshit" and Grant Popp has said, "But you fuckin' suck."
Sucky teams or not, tomorrow's nationally televised game of the week will host three heisman trophy contenders. Miami's
quarterback #12, and Oro Valley State's quarterback, Logan, are battling with Yeti-Ninja receiver Thompson (#84) for
the Heisman. ASU create-a-player Jeff Dodge is also in the running for the trophy. The three playing tomorrow are competing
for offensive player of the year as well, while also competing in their respected positional catergories player of the year
honors.
Oro Valley State head coach, David Hohman, has been freaking out during every game since week 1's overtime loss to Nebraska.
Following the week 3 overtime loss to Oklahoma, Hohman has hit rock bottom and started treating the team as if it were real.
He told Man0fSeas0ns.tripod.com that he thinks he has the best team in the nation. "I think we've really picked
up the intensity through the last few weeks. And I think if we need to, we will drop Hohman's redshirt season and bring him
in to play against Miami and in our bowl game."
However, even if the Yeti-Ninjai are able to defeat Miami, they may jump up to 1 or 2 in the media poll, but the BCS
standings may still hold them as a #3 team, at best. Results will be posted tomorrow evening. God Speed, Oro Valley State,God
Speed.
November 5 Election Day Extravaganza! First things are most important. Fasil Bizuneh (pictured) is
officially the second person to say I look like Russel Crowe. So, for saying the truth, he gets his photo on the
webpage. Moving along, today is election day. I didn't vote (but for good reason) but I think you should. That is unless
you are uninformed (like me), registered more than 90 miles away (like me), or independent (which, according to the commericials,
you are). If you did come here looking for polling advice, all I can say is to vote for Napolitano. Yes yes, I understand
she's a woman. I also understand she wants to put rapists on the streets. But from my perspective, I'm not worried
about getting raped and the democrats have a better history of not jacking up ASU tuition. Any propostions you aren't
sure about, don't vote on (the people who care about them will work them out). And any seats you aren't sure about, vote third
party because they won't win but at least it would mix things up a bit and give Fox news a months worth of
special reports.
Actually, I haven't been watching the news at all and I don't know which party was in charge anyways. Here's what I will
say the defining moment in my politcal carrer was though.
In 1999 I ran the Southern Arizona Race for the Cure. En route to setting the 16 yr. old course record (which still stands) I garnered second place in my 15-18 group (13th overall), losing only to race-runner-up Anthony
Fransico (who I don't think was a teenager anymore). Anyways, during the award ceremony, United States
Senator Jon Kyle (R-AZ) was handing out the medals. He had just given a very heartwarming speech (I think he's gay) and was still
kinda caught up in the emotion when I went up to get my medal. As I went in for the handshake, he pulled me
into the hug and told me that he thought it was great how I was out for the cause. When we seperated, I looked him sqaure
in that teary-eye and told him that I thought I should have gotten the winner medal because if you finish
in the overall top-3 you are technically supposed to be disqualifed from the age group race and since Fransico was 2nd overall,
I should have been first in the age group standings. Well, I still have that silver medal. It reminds me of how
little my "leaders" care about me.
November 2 It's the Little Things: For example, Bryon rented some game for X-Box where you
are in Desert Storm. I hate it. He likes it...a lot. Also, my NCAA 2003 created football team, the Oro
Valley State Yeti-Ninjai, are in their second season and with a 2-2 record we're ranked 6th in the country. Yeah, that's
right. We have a 50/50 chance of beating teams and they say we're 6th.
In other news, Bryon is using my internet cable while my computer is being fixed so I am updating from his room these
days.
But the most important thing in today's news is a certain post that I, ManofSeasons, made on SuperAJ.Com this past weekend. After site promoter AJ Flom did not update for many days, members felt the need to
ask, on the not updated site, why it was not updated. So, as a cute prank, I posted that AJ, my roomate, was hit by a car Friday afternoon and was in good condition at the hospital. Regardless of the fact that AJ's actions were broadcast across
the web from the same site I published this joke, people believed it to be true. First victim, Adam 'Walker' Reynolds. Reynolds
called the 1022 house shortly after the post had been up. AJ answered and adam asked who answered. He gave the phone to me.
I said hello, he asked who is was, I said Dan and gave Dan the phone. Dan, holding the entire story in the palm of his hand,
came through with an awesome performance, leading Adam on until he saw AJ later that night at a party....where we still had
him going for 10 min or so. But Adam was a good sport about it (as he always is) and posted no truth. However, we soon started
getting crying phone calls from girls in MN (over, what was posted as a busted wrist and a couple bruised ribs). And AJ put
the truth on the web, asking why these boneheads would ever put any stock in something I would say. Well, today was day 2
of the bickering about this stunt. Some, namely girls who are thousands of miles away, say the prank was terrible. Others,
namely sane people both near and far, have cheered for it. The Arizona Republic hails it is, "...the internetal
equivalent of Orson Wells' War of the Worlds radio broadcast." But, after reading all the complaints and counterplaints I can only say that, whatever I did, SuperAJ.Com had its lowest weekend hit count ever, losing only to the weekend AJ took
it down.
This, The Second Day Of Eleventh Month In The Two-Thousand And Second Year Of Our Lord So Fresh and
So Clean (clean): I've been pretty notorious for having hair that is longer than the average "dude". And you're right,
that made me an ultra-dude. Anyhoo, with the recent events at the University of Arizona, I have come to realize my dream of
being a college student with a handlebar moustache would have to be aborted. So, I cut all progress I have been making on
Operation Sensation (aka The Handlebar Project). Unfortunately, a bitchin' hairstyle (style?) just looks out of place without
a limey-style moustache. So, yea, last night, in loo of going to a rave we did not know existed, Jeff 'Barbershop'
Dodge and Bryon 'Hairplugs' Horton went ahead and put forth two solid man-hours of trimming, clipping, cutting and shaving.
The end result can be seen in the photographs. Basically, I'm beautiful again. I don't get poked in the eyes when
I turn around during frisbee anymore. I can say I filled a large pizza box with hair. And, I can get into bars for
looking like Russel Crowe again. But the real heroes here are Jeff and Bryon. Coming into this big-time situation
with no ecperience, a pair of clippers with one guard, zero combs and pair of office scissors; they butched,
hacked, cut Bryon's hand, and faded me to a whole new level of hippness. And, for my luck, a kinda shitty-looking
haircut style is in these days.
And if you don't remember the article I wrote about my last haricut, its because this site didn't even exist then. That's
right. 393 days of powergrowth. So, if you're ever watching Forest Gump and you see the scene where he speaks at
that ralley on the Mall in D.C.; Please, feel free to scream, "Damn hippies! You're as worthrehss as those
monghorians!"
One other thing, there's a new addition on the link page. I highly recommend clicking on that button.
Le Premier de Novembre Just Give Me My Props and Keep My Fans Comin' In Flocks: It's Friday,
which means today's post has to have something to do with a biblical passage. So, if read Genesis 3:12-13 was on your list
of things to do, go ahead and cross it off because we got ya coverered...
The man replied, "The woman whom you put here with me- she gave me fruit from the tree, so I ate it." The Lord God then
asked the woman, "Why did you do such a thing?" The woman answered, "The serpent tricked me into it, so I ate it."
I had a passage from 1 Corinthians all lined up for today when I got some feedback (which means someone visits
the site!) about yesterday's post. Apparently (and the jury's still out on this one), Lisa Ling is the smart one in Charlie's Angelsand the girl
from The View is some Lucy Ling. Now, I'm no master of leading the double-life (or am I?) but I have seen a few episodes of
America's Most Wanted. And if I've learned one thing from John Walsh, its that people always use pseudonames that are very
similar to their real names. Lucy Ling and Lisa Ling...hmmmm, why not just be AHHSO and AHHSEW (Credit: Jeff Dodge). I mean,
I'm as sure about this as I am that Captain Jean-Luc Picard is Gandolf. That's not even my point though. My point is, that I had to waste some 5-odd minutes verifying this claim last night, simply because
it came from a woman. And when I say 'verify' I mean ask Grant to recite, "You stupid Mongrorians! Get away from
my Wahh!" (he makes me laugh). So just remember, if you're getting tricked by snakes and stuff, you can't expect me to
believe everything coming out of your mouth. I mean, its a snake. It doesn't even have legs (granted it may have when
it tricked Eve). In fact, the only person who I can say I respect who's afraid of snakes is Indiana Jones. So, yeah,
I'd just like to make a request. If any ladies have negative thoughts/corrections on the site, please have your
boyfriend or butch-girlfriend or whoever send 'em to me. Then I don't need to check my sources. If it's more positive
reactions about the site(as if my email account could handle anymore) please send the comments to us on the back of your photo. With that said, we'll see ya at frisbee at 4.
Halloween Take That Wymin! I had a frightening picture of Dan Maher saved up for today, but it
is saved on my currently jacked computer (is that why it's jacked???) so I cannot access it. Lucky for him? No.
Lucky for you! On to the post...
Anyone who has known me more than fifteen minutes knows I have feelings about womens' rights. They're funny. For
example, I recently saw the hit-movie Charlie's Angels on HBO. I probably spent the whole movie
yelling into Grant's room about what propaganda it all was. But it was good. I mean, by the end of that movie I
thought chicks kick ass, guys are mindly, heartless, drones who are obsessed with handfuls of hair (thanks for the
breakthrough), and I was convinced Drew Barrymore must be attractive; but more importantly, I felt like a lesser lifeform
for having a 50/50 split of X and Y chromosones.
So, understanding how bitches tend to react to cultural stuff like this (Vaginal Monologues, Nat'l that-woman-who-cut-off-her-husband's-Mr.
Winky day, and the daily pro-choice demonstrations on campus) many could understand my fear of the new television
series, from David H. Kelly, Girls Club. For those of you who don't keep up on FOX, Girl's Club is about 3 to
5 women who got out of law school and work together (It's empowering because they wear pant-suits and carry briefcases...as
well as being attractive) and thats all I know. But the reason it worries me, as a man, is because this show would
be on weekly! I mean, I can let movies and plays (not that anyone goes to plays) slide because they are few are far-in-between
so girls always end up back in their place. But now, being reminded every week that they are strong and intelligent
and [every fourth week] not taking shit from anything with a penis, makes me feel insecure about my position as a white
male, ages 18-25 with some college education. I mean, what if something happened? I don't know how, considering girls
are smaller and weaker than guys, but the girl from The View in Charlie's Angels was pretty smart so maybe
she could figure something out. So, just after week two of the Fox's new feminist-lawyer hit, you could see I was at
the height of anticipation.
Well, men rejoice. It has been cancelled! That's right. Shows about strong women last two episodes before they get booted
off the air. Shows about men on steroids fake-beating the snot out of each other with a weekly "Rock Bottom" or
"People's Elbow", yeah...multi-million dollar buissness. But we must not turn our back to the women who saw those two
episodes who are now empowered to watch Murder She Wrote (which was originally cast to pump up old people). So,
I propose we send a petition to Fox. They must bring back a show that can undo all the wrongs that Girls' Club created
in its eight-days of terror. I'm not talking about Married With Children (which you can check out of FX), I'm talking
about Family Guy! So, watch Family Guy.
October 30: The Leafy Bug: I Spy, the new action-comedy with Eddie Murphy and the guy with the
nose that's all jacked opens Friday. However, Bryon Horton got passes for, what he claimed was, a media-only special preview.
Well damn, the entire Arab Gazette, Old Asia Times, and Tucson NOT-Citizens staffs must have gotten passes too; cuz
we showed up with ample time before the movie and all the good seats were taken and I could smell....something. We ended up
being stuck in the near front of the theatre while one-trillionth of India's population took the good seats. Anyways,
I'd give I Spy three point five (of five) ninja stars. Given that I got in for free...it would be four, but
I know you will not all be so fortunate to share a theatre with 65 people wearing bombs and polo shirts. I give it 3.5
because I think it is basically the comical equivalent of The Transporter (the movies even share some similar scenes). I can
say I was entertained, though not really laughing, the entire way through the movie. Some brief 'real' swearing and a trifecta
of violence against women jokes really made this movie worth it though. I know that Ghost Ship comes out this weekend too,
so I understand if you dont make I Spy this weekend.
In other news, we saw The Ring with site relative Wesley Hohman this past weekend. 1.5 ninja stars. It was crappy. Especially
since Tucson doesnt hook me up with $5 ASU-ID tickets and 7.75 for this movie is also unacceptable. We also saw Jackass the
movie with site-friend Peter Koury and some girl named Casey who now has her name on the internet (good for her). I gave jackass
4 ninja stars and I know many disagree with me. However, that ticket was 8.25 and I don't think it was all the much
funnier than I Spy. So, there you have it.
October 25: Moses Don't Want This- I open today's article with an exerpt from our Old Testament
(unless you're jewish; which it's just The Testament). So, without further ado, I give you 2 Kings 2:23-35.
From there Elisha went to Bethel. While he was on the way, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him.
"Gu up, baldhead," they shouted, "go up baldhead!" The prophet turned and saw them, and he cursed them in the name of the
LORD. Then two she-bears came out of the woods and tore forty-two of the children to pieces. From there he went to Mount Carmel,
and thence he returned to Samaria.
So, what I'm getting at with this is that I think people need to stop trying to figure out God's great plan. I know people
want to know what it is and everything but I have concluded that its best that we just not know. I mean, I don't think people
could ever figure it out, but for the sake of argument, let's just say through some supercomputer in combination with the
%10 or whatever of our brains that we use we figure out just what the Great Plan is. Don't tell anyone! I mean, people all
want to fix stuff. We have taken a perfectly good constitution and AMENEDED it. Now, say we have the great plan. The plan
created by the Creator who made Angels, Man, Earth, The Heavens, and A great plan just to name a few. So, we have this great
plan. I don't care how perfect it is...man will try to fix it. He'll want to give it a bigger motor or something. So, if you
happen to come across God's Great Plan anytime in the near future, tell it to me so I can make sure nothing happens to it.
And for everyone's sake...please don't tinker iwth it.
October 23: Davonian Pluralism Explained- That is to say, I have no idea how many hits I get
a day, probably close to zero, and I had nothing to say. But today I do. See, I've brought back a past suggestion and have
decided to elaborate on it and start living my life life by this rule.
I originally came up with this suggestion in high school but it has kinda gone into hibernation. I feel
now is the time to bring it back to action. See, along with my support of the word "y'all" to play the role of the the
plural form of you I learned another problem with the english language. It seems that there are constantly mix-ups with the
question of pluralism and apostrophies and the spelling of plural words.
So, pertaining to the english language, instead of adding (e)s at the end of nouns to make tham plural, put a
long 'i'. For example. say some chick's hair looks like a flock of seagulls. You say, "Your hair looks like a flock of
seagulli." If you steped on more than one cactus (currently known as cacti) you will have stepped on three cactusi.
See how much more convient this is? First, there are no more confusing geese, cacti, deer (as both
singular and plural) words. All words are singular+i (goosei, cactusi, deeri). Second, there is no more confusion over words
being plural and/or possessive. What if it is the house where four men named James live? The James house?
The Jameses house? The James's House? The Jameses's House? This is a crude example, but when orally transmitting
these messages, the question of possessive will be answered if there is an S at the end. And if it is just plural, the
i at the end. If it possessive and plural, then you will have "the cactusi's thorns (the thorns of many cactus plants) stuck
in your hand."
The letter is just a convientent choice because a noun ending in the 'i' sound actually osunds like "iy" so it
doesn't inhibit the flow of the sentence. Take for example "those are their spies." This is fine in text, but verbally, you
don't know if it means "those" belong to their spies, or is "those" is a pronoun for spies. Now, take "those are their
spyi." We know that "those" are, indeed, russian spies (spyi). Had "those" belonged to their group of spies (spyi),
we would have "those belong to their spyi's."
So, to improve both flow and clearativity, this site will now star typing in "Davonian Pluralism" for future articles
(articlei). We suggest you start writing and speaking in this manner too, in the hopes that we can change the
language for the better.
October 20: My Community Service For The Week- It looked like I would have nothing
to write about today with me not really doing much but studying and watching football and all. But then came a call. A call
from Adam Walker. A call to play intramural football. The sawme intermural football team that got squashed last week when
Jeff Dodge got kicked out of the game, and furthermore, the field, when he disagreed with the ref's call. Well, I figured
this was my chance to get in on some screaming. And this game/team was to scream for. First off, we were called the Honors
Boys. I was embarrassed right off the bat. We lost by...a lot. I think we scored twice. Either way, game highlights
include; The other teams QB being a bitch. Dave Hohman applauding a referre's incomplete pass call and some lesbian
telling him to shut up so he turned and spat while mentioning that the woman was, indeed, a lesbian. Adam Reynolds swatting
the final extra point pass down. We play 'em next week and I plan on leveling the QB the first play and ending everyone's
seasons right then and there so check in next monday night for more. In other news- there is nothing.
October 19: BMW=Good; Mercedes=Evil-Yesterday didn't entail much so if you weren't
here with me, you really didn't miss out. A little class, and I got tests up the wazoo next week. And they're all like Mon-Tues.
That hurts. More importantly is that I saw El Transportino (The transporter) yesterday with AJ and Bryon. I gave
it 3 (of five) ninja stars. I thought it was good for a fun movie that is just entertaining to watch and nothing
more. The score was a bit different but I guess thats what the younger generation wants these days, and the teen
market is a huge one. So, if you've already seen Red Dragon and Barber Shop, go to The Transporter. AJ's thoughts are on his
webpage. Bryon, who was the biggest pusher for the movie didn't seem to like it. He had been watching BMw movies all day, so maybe
that's why he was let down. He didn't like the music nor the fact that our theatre had zero seat centerred on the screen.
It was odd now that I think about it. This is turning into babble. I'll update later.
October 18: We Are Living In A Medium World And I Want A Medium Girl- For as much as I know about
women; I don't know what the average height of a girl is these days, but I figure it's somewhere around me. I figure
this because I've seen some girls who are like 4'-and-change and I've seen one chick who can dunk (Thus, WNBA is about
as fun to watch as French Basketball). But I rarely see chicks who are between the heights of 5'8 and 5'11, and
when I say 'rarely' I mean they don't exist, cause I'm lookin'. I know, given the information already stated, and
understanding how large groups (such as the female populous on campus) tend to fit a bell curve, you would expect to
see plenty of ladies at 5'9 and fewer asians and huge girls. But you don't. In fact, its quite the opposite (possibly because
ASU is a major research I institution).
Now, I like talls girls (and I like short girls...but a bit less) but this is out of hand. There are no more tall Jesse
Spano type girls. When a girl is tall, a girl is big. Not fat. Big. Like, "Dave Hohman seems cute, as a punching bag!" And
it frightens me. When a girl is short, she's muey petite. Si Vrai! And because of their extreme tinyness, even wearing
those shoes with like 7" heels, you can tell. And if you can't tell, take a look at how disproportioned her
arms are to her height. I'm looking at a case right now.
So, am I going to boycott girls for this? no. Should you? yes. All I want is a scientific explaination of why girls
only tend to come in small, large and supersize. I mean, I thought medium was out way of life. Value meals (are suppose
to) include medium drink and medium fries. Everyone fits into a medium t-shirt. Most of americans order their beef
products done medium or medium-something (I guess rare or well). So, why aren't there medium girls?
October 17: If You Have A Question, Someone Else Probably Has The Same One: A friend IMed
a couple days a go and asked why this site is unbelievable. I was like, "Do i have to spell it out for you?" I mean, this
site cannot, should not and is not to be believed. The entire premises of http://man0fseas0ns.tripod.com is that you see what's going and you're just like, "Hey, Whoa! I am having a difficult time believing what's happening here.
I mean, on a scale of 1 to relgious faith, this sites sitting at pi!" We understand that if see this site on a billboard in
downtown Phoenix, you're going to ask yourself, "What kind of propaganda is this?" You're going to think in your head, do
I believe this bullcrap? And then you'll answer outloud, "no" Then the passenger in your Explorer is like, "No what?" and
you're like, "No, I don't believe anything on Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com" and they're like, "Oh yeah. No one does." But in your
head, you are both sitting there thinking, 'Yeah, well I do.' .And don't come e-mailing me about how you think something in here is so outrageous that it could not possibly be true. If we say Zelda is better
than GTA3; then it is (but you don't have to take our word for it)! If we say that Jeff Dodge is the name in ASU intramural
football and you don't want to beleive us; fine, but you understand he will inform you of making such a bullshit
call. So, don't believe us. Take us for granted. But remeber, it was Magellan0fseas0ns.tripod.com who circumnavigated the
Earth. It was Moses0fSeas0ns.tripod.com who led the Israelites out of Egypt. We were the one's who said it could be done when
everyone else said, "There's no such thing as a perpetual motion machine." So really, in and of itself, this site is not unbelievable;
it's "unbelievable" because people like you choose not to take the real-life equivalent of the blue pill (or red pill...I
forgot). I mean, we're looking at war with two countries that have leaders whose sanities are questionable at best and then
China in my lifetime and you want a second opinion? Butch-up. Jeeze, just thinking about all your closemindednessisms
is making me sick.
October 17: $3 of Pain: I went to Fatburger yesterday. Apparently, it was their 50th anniversary
so they were celebrating by serving their (limited) menu at 50's prices. Burgers were like 75 cents and, if you haven't eaten
at Fatburger; it's like IN-N-OUT except with a Jazzy-flare instead of a southern-californianess. Point is, the line was out
the door but it was worth is for two fries, two bugers with cheese, and a drink for less than three bucks. I was naucious
I ate so much for lunch. Then, I had the rest of it for dinner. It was awesome so, if you missed out, too bad.
I'm actually writing this on Wednesday Night but i fear this is too little and I will have something new
tomorrow to add to it.
October 16: I Am Going To Shut Up- I had something else to bitch about today and I was thinking about it on my way to class
this morning and I have opted to not write it. It's just me getting all up in arms (by arms I mean guns) about a problem
that isn't really a problem. So, rather than being unneccesarily critical, I'm going to skip the post. So, all you asses out
there who think I don't know when to bite my tongue (or fingers), eat it.
So, now, to replace my planned post, I have to figure out something to write. Well, first, West Laird House resident and
guy who doesn't hate me, Zach (possibly Zack?), has agreed to hook me up with a low-paying low-hours low-responsibility job
at the Student Recreation Center. So, maybe I can put away a few bucks a week. That'd be nice.
Other than that, news is really slow. I haven't read the state press (the place i go for news information) yet today so
I don't knows whats happening in the world around me right now.
Oh, and I know its about due time to update the Bud Light 'Real Men of Genius' MP3; but they are all on my computer...which
is currently busted.
October 15: Just A Walk in the Park- Well, I am off my rant from yesterday
and today was a more peaceful day on the old ASU main campus. I was, however, rather pleased to see an editorial agreeing
with my rant in the State Press this morning. But yeah, I said I am past it and I am...until Thrusday.
Other news that I didn't get a chance to fit in yesterday was that my lnotebook computer is going to require $300-500
worth of repairs because of some circuit-dealie under the keyboard. So, if you know anyone who works on laptops; there's a
24 pack in it for 'em.
Back to today; I saw America's #1 movie and Silence of the Lambs prequel, Red Dragon with AJ and Bryon. I liked it a lot. I suggest going to see it. Also, right now, a bunch of Boxingmania apparel is at discount prices. Go ahead and get yourself something. Check out
the stores here. So, I can only end this day by not understanding some quote on AJ's running-collage board; "To achieve all that's possible
we must attempt the impossible-- to be as much as we can be we must dream of being more." What in the world that means, I
have no idea.
Finally, SuperAJ is nearing the 10,000 hit mark so why don't you go ahead and visit there now.
October 14: Columbus Day Protests- In case you all didn't know; today was Columbus Day.
This is the one day of the year that the Post Office is the only gov't office down. Don't fret if you didn't remember
this year. I forgot too. Well, I rememberred last night, but that didn't carry over to today. But today I was reminded on
my daily trip past the MU. I must go by the MU six days a week (sometimes 7 if I ride my bike to mass that way), so I get
to see all crazy rallies first hand. I was there when that crazy lesbian-transexual-biracial-equality-"That guy with the long
hair is white...get him!!"-'Q' club protested on September 11th (yes, i understand that it is their right). I was there when
those Jewish Drummers (not Tommy Lee) hit their drums for hours to make sure people remembered...uh, well, I don't recall
their cause, but I was there. And I was there today as some group protested on the cornerstone that Columbus was 'The Name
in 15th century ethnic cleansing' and that 'Colonization=Genocide.' For the record, I was there means, "David was physically
there." And by physically there, I mean, "Walking past trying to avoid their message."
So, today was Columbus Day. Ya know, around here, I wish we could have one fucking holiday without people fucking protesting
it. First, Columbus wasnt out to kill injuns. He was just discovering new land. Fool was just doing his job. But,
that totally reasonable, debate-ending truth aside, lets just say Columbus came with the understanding that his country was
gonna mow down redskins (which they didnt near Plymouth...I.E. THANKSGIVING!...that was a problem immediate in Virginia. Thank
you REL 321.). What the fuck am I suppose to do about colonization now? You want me to go get Indians and breed em like animals?
You want me kill off whitey to make things equal? Am I colonizing something right now and don't even realize it? Fucking
fuck. At least protest something we can change. I dont protest Nazi concentration camps! Ya know why? Cuz they aren't doing
stuff these days! If there's one thing I hate more than hippies; its neo-hippies protesting stuff. Now Grant, I will
take this moment to note that, contrary to what my long hair entails (which makes about as much sense as Unitarianism)
I am not a hippie of any sort. With that said, all I ask is a little warning. I should have expected it on 9/11 (No, I
dont care if you empathize with them) and I will expect it come Christmas season, Easter season, holy-blessing season,
meat season, SuperBowl time, Ordinary time, and any day beginning with 'Thurs'. However, the rest of the time,
how about a warning in the state press the day before? Or better yet, how about they put up warning flares
in a 50 yard radius of their protest; like big-rigs do when they hit something. Just some type of warning so I am
not bombarded with, "Did you know you are living on land that Christopher Columbus, AKA Satin, discovered?" and "How dare
you be a white male, with some college education, ages 18-25? I couldn't live with myself if I were you!"
I think one day I'll go protest protesters with the hopes of one of two things happening. One, they beat
me and ASU bans their protests. Two, I get my lame-ass fuzzy-ass photo on the front of the State Press so all can hear about my cause.
October 13: " Those nerds are a threat to our way of life": As Stan Gable, in Revenge
of the Nerds, so eloquently puts it; we battled the Honor's College Capture the Flag Team last night. The match took
over an hour, a new record by far, but in the end, the 1022 S . Ash House was victorious. An account of last night.
Meeting time was 8pm at the MU fountain. About 6:30, Adam 'Critical' Reynolds calls me up. I'm only going to
be able to field three guys he says. I ask why. He tells me poor scheduling because there is a football game. Now, let's asume
that the honors college is notorious for going out on Saturday nights; the match was at 8, but more importantly,
Adam agreed on this time with me many days earlier. So, I told him to go round up all the nerds, geeks,
spazz's, squares, and dweebs he could find and call me back in an hour; otherwise, we were gonna show up, wail on their
three members, and be home by 8:15. He called back at 7:30 claiming to have 8. AJ finished his bottle of Arbor Mist (1.5 QT)
and threw on his rollerblades and we were ready to go. I filled the pockets of my camo-cutoffs with tennis balls and tucked
in my desert-storm brown uniform shirt, with the US flag I sewed on the left shoulder. Bryon and Jeff had mirrored
my top-half. The five us walked to campus as Bryon rode his bike. When we got there, some trekkies were waiting
to play but Adam was not there. Since Adam had also failed to come get his new map I explained the few changes we'd
made since the last game to his friend Matt, who wanted no part in being a leader. I told him to pick a section
when Walker (adam) showed up. Apparently he had been doing some last minute ball collecting. Next thing I knew,
there were like 15 dorks there to take on six of us. We took this guy Adam Brookes (possibly no 'e') and some guy named Mike
to help our team. Meanwhile Jeff yelled at the dorks, "I want to kill me some nerds!" and "Those nerds are going down!....Nerds!!!"
Adam wanted us to take some lesbian chicks but I was like, "sorry man, dont ask dont tell." and we were on our way to Old
main on the North end of campus to plant our flag. I placed the skull'n'crossbones in the fountain in front of Old Main and
took off my sandals, to enter stealth mode. Their flag was on the southwest corner of campus at Gammage Auditorium (the nerds
always pick spots by their dorms). Dan and Grant went out for the flag and AJ and Bryon went recon. Jeff and me
went in between to pick-off anyone coming to the redzone. First, of course, Adam (that SOB is fearless) and Matt showed
up. I picked off adam and Matt got away. Then some girl fell in the mud and jeff got her out. Jeff and I were chazing
around some girls when I saw adam heading back towards the jail, He told me there were a bunch of people at our flag.
I took off and showed up just in time to see the battle ending. This guy Mike was holding it together really well
and when they were all gone, I noticed the flag was missing. I was just about to take off for their base to intercept
when I was informed it was on the ground. I put it back in the fountain and covered the flag while other people did other
stuff. There were a few more minmal threats In jail, I talked with Dan and Grant about their flag whereabouts. Their's
was heavily guarded but Bryon rescued us and told us almost the exact spot of it. We sent them to get it. All
that I know from there, is that they didn't come in a pack again (i was knocked out one time when Adam leggally picked
up a chair as a shield and got me out). I was in jail with Grant and Adam at the end when we saw people walking by. I ran
out and i thought my heart was going to stop beating if they truly had, captured our flag. But, we had won. All
I know is that Bryon got their flag, put it on, and wouldn't let walker have it back until a ceremony. Word on the street
is that rather than congradulating Bryon on a great game, Walker told him "Enjoy it while it lasts." We came home and
AJ put up this post because he has been actually upadating his page during the match from his T-mobile. It was pretty interesting. At the
end, I think I got hit only twice and got about 4 or five kills. Pretty avg. I think. All in all, it was a good time and I liked the way it went, especially the way it turned out. We're gonna ask Adam
B to join our team for good and then procede mucho-shit-talking. Some sites that have coverage on the match:
October 11 A New Look: Yeah, we're working on something
new. After certain people's complaining about the world's longest homepage, we've archived all that and are reworking the
site. Expect more great coverage of random things as well as more insight from our writers. More pages will be available in
time, but for now, just take in the feeling of the new site and enjoy yourself.
Welcome to my little pocket in the world wide web.
10/07- The Hohmey's Have Been Awarded: That's right. The official awards of Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com
have been announced. Installment One.
|
| Hohman (left) offering to breka bread with his roomate |
10/02: Man0fSeas0ns Createur Captured....In Comic Form: Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com founder and
upkeeper, David Hohman, was recently feature in AJ Flom's first installment of his new comic 1022 at SuperAJ.Com. As it appears, Hohman is depicted as a long-haired, no shirt wearin' superhero of some sort. Experts suggest his superpower
might be kindness.
'I could see that,' said roomate Dan Maher. 'I mean, if we were the Captain Planet Team, Dave would definately be
that Indian kid with the Monkey on his shoulder.'
When interviewed about the placement of this sites idol in his strip, AJ was happy to note his reasons. 'It's pretty
simple. Fag and Food start with the same first letter. So, I mean, we can all see why I gave that panel to that hippie.'
Other people in the skit include 1022 S Ash people Grant, Bryon, Adam (who doesn't live there), Jeff, and Dan. Another
comic is expected to be released sometime this week or early next week.
| Daly at the 2002 VMAs |
|
| Not a massive tool after all |
10/01: Turns Out We Were Wrong All Along- After searching through MTV's Video Music Awards photo archives, researchers for Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com have found a startling discovery.
After years of hailing Total Request Live host, Carson Daly (pictured), supreme tool, we now find that we were wrong
all along. As it would turn out, Carson is actually the embodyment of rock and roll...and not just rock, but metal.
Head of research at Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.com, David Hohman, explained the phenomenon of the photo.
'As you can clearly see, Daly is throwing up, not one, but a pair of metal horns. In the rock world,
this display proves that you are rock and roll. His expression seems to scream, I'm not taking any guff from you or anybody!
This single, undoctored photograph proves to me, beyond a shadow of a dought, that Carson Daly indeed, wants to rock n roll
all night and party everday.'
When asked about the recent discovery of Daly's true hardness, wigger Marshall Mathers was optimistic, 'Shit. I'm
not surprised. If I can pass for a rapper, that guy should be able to pass for a modern day Steven Tyler or whatever
yo. Murder!'
09/28 MIDI of the Week Replaced- We've replaced our MIDI of the Week link (above) with Hohmey
nominee 'Bud Light Presents Real American Heros' commercials. It will be changed at least twice a week, enjoy.
09/25: Levario Fired For 'Crappy' Statement- In a blown attempt to further his career
in the Joe's Crab Shack Industry, BoxingMania III: 40's of Death runner-up, Mike 'Foreskin of furry' Levario was fired
recently. In accordance with operations at his Swan and Broadway Joe's, 4skin put in writing his request for time off. By,
apparently, catching his manager 'on the rag' Levario's comments were mistaken and he was prompty fired. Man0fSeas0ns.tripod.com
sleuth, David Hohman, has recovered copy of the letter:
...I am trying to further my education so as to not be forever stuck in the service industry. This job
is crap, the people we serve are crap and I don't want to die in crap (unless it's something gastrointestinal)...
Levario had worked at Joes for some 4 years when he was fired. When asked to comment on the diner's decision, Levario was
optimistic, 'I'm Foreskin! I'm glad I only got fired for this and not for the totally disgusting things I have
been doing to the food for years....oh, and black people always order catfish. And by always, I mean 100% of the time."
09/09: Capture The Flag Tournament Preparation: Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com is pleased to announce
its support of the newest ASU on-campus tournament, Capture The Flag Season One: Death by Balls. Visit the promoting
site, GonnaGitYourKid.Tripod.Com for details.
09/06: Here is Why I Hate Emo: Just a few quick thoughts on the 2002 MTV Music Awards. 1) Eminem,
if you didn't see the edited version of the show, is the reason white rap can't get respect (besides that it sucks). 2)Guns
n Roses closing...the best thing about the awards. Not just because they're the greatest group on the face of the Earth, but
also because they were live...not this singin' over their own (never-to-be-released) track. 3) American Idol Kelly Clarkson. I
totally dig all that. 4) Dashboard Confessional, best B-video of the year. Not only do I hate this group because
I cannot stand the lead singers voice, but he's selling youth lies! He's the musical equivalent of a depressed tobacco industry.
Case-in-point; Rapper Snoop Doggy Dogg some years ago was discovered to be rapping about killing people. Months
later, Snoop Dogg was on trail for killing people. Also, East Coast/West Cost rivalry ends with Tupac and Notorious
F.A.T. shot dead. Now, this was all in a matter of a few years. So, even though I cannot say i am fan of Rap music, I can
say I respect the message it sends ('If you fuck with Shady, Shady will fuckin' kill you'). Now, here you have emo, a breed
of music that should have never thrived enough to become a dying breed. The point is, if you can sing about how depressed
you are because your girlfriend left you and you have greasy hair and oldman clothes and you want to kill yourself in the
face and every breath you take you wish were your last because it feels like your breaths are coming from a nasty subterrainian
Demolition Man sewer and if you would have just shown me love I could be happy, WE could be happy, but you threw it away
and, henceforth, I shall throw away my happiness and any other chances to search for true love and if i had some pliers instead
of this guitar I would pull my teeth out one-by-one in hopes of alieviating the pain you left when you dropped my weiner ass
for the captain of the football team because I was probably this fucking depressing when we were dating and a real downer
to be around (listening to Winger and all) but you said you loved me and all my quirks but you didnt because I am a "would
you like some cheese with that wine"-er like Johnny Moxon but I dont have a friend like Billy-Bob to turn to and you
are just the John Voight in my life trying to screw up my scholarship to the Brown University of True Love because you betrayed
me and i will never forgive you but i will spend my entire life sitting on this stump with a gun to my medula-oblingota waiting
for you to come back to me because even though you weren't that pretty, you were all i could get and if I cant have it
all I want nothing at all like the Backstreet Boys who would also probably leave me for for many of the reasons above and
the fact that they are on real MTV and I'm not even good enough to be Carson Daily's greasy asshairs so if you are listening
to this album shoot yourself in the throat while I reap the MTV-B profits. Mypoint is, if you can sing this
for more than six months and not kill yourself, you're heart isnt really in it. And if your heart isnt really in it, I can't
love you. So sing a sad song in the rain grease-ball...or Butch-up, Mary.
08/26: Bizuneh-Hohman Combo Too Much For Jeff And AJ Because They Suck: In their first appearance
to the foosball table in history, Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com Playa, David Hohman, and teammate Fasil 'I just bought a table of
my own' Bizuneh proved to be too much for South Ash tennats 'Super' AJ Flom and Jeff 'Moneybags' Dodge. In their victory,
the two one nothing, but Fasil was heard to comment, 'John cried? That fucking pussy ain't coming back to my place.'
08/27: Britney Photo's Not Up, Nappy-Haired Guy to Blame: Well, finally, months after
the Britney Spears concert photo's were taken, they have finally cooled down enough to be scanned (She is so hot!). However, now,
sitting in the Computing Commons with only one open scanner, some nappy-haired dude is sitting there and not moving, nor scanning,
to let Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com Britney Fan, Jeff Dodge, scan the photographs for our visitors. So, if you ever see a
nappy haired person or anyone with hippie-like tendancies, in fact, on campus, kill them. Damn hippies.
During this waiting period, Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com Blonde Girl, Liz Lindgren, showed interest as star female role in
the upcoming 1022 flick being casted by Man0fSeas0ns.tripod.Com Direction Manager, David Hohman.
08/24: Maher Explains that Drunkard, Indeed, Does Not Live in Ash House- In a display of laying
the smack down not last seen since Jeff Dodge was romantically pursued by a homeless man, Dan Maher informed Tempe EMT, Ambulance
Guy, that Party Lightweight John Something or Other that 'Fuck no!' John did not live in the house they were called to. Read
the recently released letter below.
Its 2:59 in
the am Saturday Morning I guess, and we got back from a rather large party over at a friends house a
couple of hours ago.
Lost Boy went with some of his high school friends and
when we showed up he was already drunk. Meanwhile, we brought this
guy AJ who
lives with us along in our car. Aj decided to drink a $6 bottle of Everclear.
If ya dont know what everclear
is, it's fucking strong. I had beer. Things
were going fine and then about 12:45 the cops showed up. Losty and his friend
Jon are both on probation (thus, not to be drinking) and I told Lost Boy I
would walk their drunk asses home through
the alleys. So, John wont go. The
guy is just drunk and hanging on people and Losty is freaking out. So, I told
losty,
this guy is screwed if the cops start handing out tickets (WHICH
probably wouldnt happen). So, I told him there was no
point in him getting
busted too so we left. We beat everyone else home and found a message from
AJ. He was wandering
the streets of Tempe and left us his cell number for his
Minnesota area coded cell phone. So, it was long distance, so
i went ot bed.
about half an hour later Dan comes in to my room and asked about AJ. I told
him the number was long
distance so i went ot bed. Dan called AJ form his
cell and AJ was at 10th and Southbecker. So, here i am in boxers riding
around down tenth with Dan in AJs conversion van at 2 am. We get to the end
of tenth and didnt know here he was. Call
agin. This time 'Hold on, I am
about o puke....ok, i puked.' it was South Becker. It turns out tenth ends
and starts
up again. We found it and stopped at tenth and becker. No AJ. We
get out and are in the middle of this dark residential
hood. Call again. He
is right next the sign of tenth and becker. Finally, i hear him thro up down
the street. It turns
out becker doesnt intersect at 10th but it kinda starts
again north of where it should if that makes sense. if not, i
found him. We
took him home and he hung out the window throwing up on his arm. We have towalk him inside and sit him down
at the table and get him some water when werealize Losty, and these two girls are running around the house freaking out.
Turns
out this guy John is on the floor in the bathroom not throwing up,
passing in and out of consciencness, going into seizures
(they say) Losty is
yelling at him to snap out of it and throw up (he just got so fucked up) and
some other dude is
here and he is like, 'I think he is on the cusp of being
OK'/ I thought he'd be ok, these girls are just young and stupid
and
overreacting, which makes brian overreact which makes me sleepy. So, we got Aj some taquitos While they decided
to call the ambulance (the hospital is
literally less than a mile from our house). So, Dan's getting all pissed because
the ambulance is coming and we're just renting this place it makes it
look like we're crappy tennants. I moved AJ into
a bakc bedroom so the meds didnt feel the need to chekc him out as well. Either way, the ambulance comes
they dont know
what he has had to drink but they were able to get him up and
walk him out to the ambulance (funny how he snapped out
of it when a person
of authority came in) But here's the kicker....he's crying because he thinks
they will inform
the cops and then he cant get off probabtion, move to the
midwest and marry some chick (all this is to go down in a month).
Along with
that, he got kicked out of his house recently so Bryon took it upon himself
to let John say he lresided
at our place if the parole officer or whomever
calls. SO, when the EMTs ask, 'Does he live here, none of his friends would
answer. Fortunaltely, Dan came through with a big 'Fuck no' to clear things
up. So, the hysterical girls leave
With bryon to follow the EMTs three
blocks. I go to check on AJ who has just thrown up on Jeff's floor. Super. He
can
clean that up tomorrow since Jeff is gone for the weekend, after i
started this email, the pack comes back and John
is just drunk (I guess they
took care of the excess so now he's just rying to digest what he has).
Motherfucker starts
hungging me and crying because he loves his girlfriend so
much and he doesnt want to scre this all up (as if he didnt
know the consequences before). So, I Dave Hohmaned him (gave him a hug, leaned him onto Bryon and went to check on AJ). Aj,
who had since moved to the floor and thrown up in a new place is pretty much out. They are letting John sleep it
off in
Bryons bed (which should bring a nice confrontation with Dan in the
morning), those girls eventually left (but not before
telling Bryon to call
them in the morning so they know John woke up). Which, brings me to now,
sitting at Aj;s xomputer
in the next room becuase he had been caughiung and
rolling aorund earlier so I stayed up for another hour or so to make
sure he
gets to sleep which I feel he has. So, I conclude with, This party would have
been 100 time cooler with Antonio
Montes..
Piece,
Dave Hohman
Follow up: The next day john returned to the house to apologize and say, "I don't know what happened. I didn't drink
that much." To which Man0fSeas0ns.tripod.com Intelluctal Powerhouse David Hohman replied, 'Yes you did!' AJ is yet to clean
up Jeff's room and another party is scheduled next Friday.
08/21: FoleyRules Jumps Four Points to a Positive Feedback Rating of 2: After a (-2) buyer
feedback on eBay, the world's online auction place, Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com Auctioneer FoleyRules has successfully gone through on four straight auction victories in the past month. FoleyRules has accreditted this great increase in buying power to his daily Creatine intake.
After eBay member Spend-a-buck feedbacked, " DID NOT COMPLETE TRANSACTION >>>>>
BEWARE >> FIVE E-MAILS WITH NO RESPONSE " Talk was that FoleyRules was in eTrouble. But, other sellers did not
'BEWARE' and Rules was able to bring home the gold on a Fear Factroy CD, The Lynyrd Skynyrd Box Set, an Oversized Use Your Illusion II Poster, and a life-sized Mick Foley standup
in 2000. Rules also comments that he did respond to SPend-a-bucks emails, but 'that fucker' would not give him a 'reasonable'
shipping price so Rules told him to 'stick it up his ass.'
07/31: A Recent Conversation With Bryon Horton:
David Hohman- Some things I just don't like.
Bryon Horton- Like What? You have to have a reason to hate something!
DH- OK, So, here's my problem with gravity, right...
BH-Did you say gravity?
DH- Yeah. So it's like this...
BH- No. I'm not listening to this! That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard!
07/30: New Dick Dialogue- If you're American. go here.
07/24: A Conversation with Tony Pierce- Tony Pierce, without offering a link up to this site,
has posted a recent discussion with Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com Chief of Staff, David Hohman. Check it out here.
07/24: Jeff's Socks Going...Going....- That's right. There are only days left on Jeffrey's Used Running Socks eBay auction. According to his page, the $5 gym socks have already been viewed some 23 times! But to sweeten the deal on these 100%
pure cotton footsies, Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com Financial Advisor, David Hohman, has stricken a deal. Mention this
website and Jeff will drop shipping charges on the socks! This is not a deal to be passed up. Get your own Jeff's socks
today!
07/21: Hohman Chosen For Lead Vocal Sensation of New Arizona Rock Group: In a victory that
can only be compared to that of winning American Idol or Wimbeldon, Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com Music Sensation David Hohman has
been chosen to lead up vocals for new rock band, Exeter. Hohman has promised to show respects to the linkings of Axl Rose
and Bon Scott. Read more about this news here.
07/17: Huge News!- August 8th, 2002. 8 p.m., Sedona, Arizona. Lynyrd Skynyrd is coming! If
you aren't there, you suck and are not welcome to the preshow BBQ at 1022 S. ASH AVE.
07/17: Link It Up- Released last night through some folk at randomramblings.com, the official Man0fSeas0ns Buddy Icon is now available. Creative jenius David Hohman created the icon and was signed by Gonnagityourkid.tripod.com to develop an icon for their up and coming site. You can also get it. Click the link here.
07/10: Fuck Bud- I think we are all aware that this years Major League Baseball All-Star Game
ended in a 7-7 tie this year. In what may have been the 'kicker' before this season's stike, Bud Selig, the Commish'
of MLB, allowed the National and American League Managers to call a draw after 11 innings because neither side had
any pitchers left and they didn't want to cause fatigue and injury to these multi-million dollar athletes in an exhibition
game.
Now...just a thought. These fine physical specimens throw some 100 pitches a game. They do not get hurt. Now, even
if they had gotten fatigued, would it not be safe to say one of the Steroid-driven millionaire batters would be able to get
a hold of one and end the game. Now, you understand why Bud Selig is the devil with a misspelled name.
| The Rev. |
|
| Leading the Rainbow Coaltion |
07/08 Black Attack!!- In what could only be called a 'major step back' for the 13th amendment,
a man that could only be accounted for as 'Big Black' droped his signature move, 'The Black Attack' on Bryon Horton Saturday
Night at the West Laird House.
Horton, who had consumed 2 glasses of whisky (Johnny Walker), a shot of something else, more booze, and a vodka and 7-up
was fucked up when he saw a fight break out. Walking over to hit some guy who was already on the ground to
impress a girl, he was stopped by our non-caucasion friend who grunted and began tossing Losty's rag-doll body into the shed.
After six tosses of not fighting back, Losty turned his head and began to get pounded in the back of the head while Big
Black screamed, 'That Kidney's gotta be around here somewhere!!.' When the 5-0 had been called, Big dropped Losty and left
his bloodied body in the dirt OPEN TO INFECTION. Horton then got up to see a glimpse of Man0fSeas0ns.tripod.com Drinking
Pal, Dan Rodriguez's neck getting kicked. Horton gave us this quote, 'Between blows 3 and 4, it dawned on me 'Someone should
call the police...Fasil probably won't fight, i hope he calls.' With the law element satisified, Horton then saw Juan 'Chaos'
Reyes punch the shed for standing by and watching 'J's homey be assaulted.' It was fucked up, like some guys Nikes Horton
bled on, because Mother Theresa wouldn't help him up.
'I weighed the whole night out,' he said, 'and, all in all, it was a good night.;
| Part Fireman, Part Arsonist.... |
|
| All Mullet!! |
06/30: Just A Thought: This one flew under Fox News' radar, but not ours. All-but-convicted
Rodeo Firestarter Leonard 'FlameMan' Gregg has a mullet that just sets fire to the room when he walks in. Now, what the
hell. Just when Mullets are starting to make a comeback, some fool has to go out and give them a negative connotation. First, it was the mullet-sporting mailman shooting up
the post office. Now this. So, To make all things right BoxingMania IV proposes, Some Mullethead affected by the fire VS. Gregg in a flaming gloves match.
06/30: Dumbass Nearly Brings U.S. To War With North American Nation: Today, Native Dumbass,
Leonard Gregg was charged with setting the Rodeo Wildfire. Skipping all due process and cutting to the chase for you,
Man0fseas0ns.Tripod.Com has found this man guilty. I mean, he apologized! Nothing screams guilt like an
apology.
The prosecution says Gregg started the fires hoping to make money as a contracted firefighter. When interviewed
about the situation by the New York Times, fellow a Native American firefighter said, "We worked along with [Gregg]. I can't believe it. I'm fighting for the white
people's land, too. I hope they know that." This statement, in turn, set a blaze of it's own in the African-American community as The Reverend Jesse 'Don't Question
My Agenda' Jackson has threatened to storm the White Mountain Indian Nation unless a public announcement is made concerning
the fight for black people's lands. "This, This, This....is an outrage!" Jackson told Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com Reporter
David Hohman, in an exclusive interview. "The white man is out setting up deals to have their lands saved by
the injuns, but they're gonna let the black neighborhoods go up in flames." Jackson continued to rant about something
about the middle-east before one of his mistressed called about another pregnancy.
No reports have been filed by Oriental Rights Organizations (YOU REALLY NEED TO CHECK THIS OUT), but a guy next to me in the computer lab told me, "I hope all you white devils
parish!" No members of the White Mountian Indian Reservation could be reached for subject.
06/29: Upcoming Week Promises To Be Huge: Because of Friday Night's 'Celebration of the Summer
Residence of 1022' was so successful, today's website workings will be minimal. But I do promise two things; 1) BoxingMania
III photos have been found! We are working on transfering them to the webpage for your viewing. 2) Britney Spears Concert
Photos! I wasn't there, but Jeff was. I hate him. 3) We have a photo of Bryon 'Lost Boy' Horton from last nights celebration.
He was fuuuucked up!
| The end of the road... |
|
| Hohman/Reynolds...Boston 2002 |
06/25: Why I'm Trying To Qualify For Boston: I've never gotten a chick because I ran. I tell
girls, they don't care. I run by, they dont flock to my 85% naked body. In fact, I had given up hope until Adam 'Walker' Reynolds
showed me the way. Walker recently completed his inaugural marathon where he blah blah blah...and hooked up with a legal-aged
girl. I asked the 6'11" 165 pounder what his key was. He said, "Running. But not like Dan Maher. He gives off a vibe that
he is a runner....and incapable of erotic expression." Then he gave me a photo of these girls. They are what await at the
end of the Boston. For the oldest profession in the world, I'm back baby.
06/25: Memory Card Sale: In an effort to make money, Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com Gamer, 'Sonic'
David Hohman, is selling memory cards. First, a Playstation Card. $40 OBO. Second, some crappy no-name brand Gamecube
card. $5 OBO.
Now, second order of buissness. An odd number of people have been giving me shit for purchasing a GameCube...to those
bitches I say, "Listen bitches, it was just cheaper to get a cube. Plus...Listen below bitches."
| Soda Popinski |
|
| "I drink to prepare for a fight. Tonight I am very prepared!" |
|
| 'Your Punch Is Soft...Like your Heart' |
06/17: Mike Tyson's Punch-Out For GameCube: This reporter recently purchased a nintendo gamecube and NBA Street. the game kept me busy for a solid 45 minutes before I yearned for the days of Soda Popinski (Whose origninal name 'Vodka
Vodinski' was cut) and Bald Bull to hammer in my skull. I like the smooth-insults in NBA Street, such as, 'Oh!My boy shoulda
been payin' you a toll!' and 'That shot didn't have no chance comin' off of yo' hands!' But it just can't compare with the
insightful quotes from Piston Honda "Sushi, kamikaze, fujiyama, nipponichi...", Von Kaiser "Surrender! Or I will conquer you!!"
(Use that one on the ladies) and Super Macho Man ""I don't smoke... But tonight I'm gonna smoke you!" So, below, Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com
Computer Jenius, David Hohman, shows us a screnshot of his work-in-progress. Mike Tyson's GameCube Punch Out!!
06/15: BoxingMania IV Post Up: Click here for it.
06/11: Exclusive Brian Eller Footage: In a miraculous display of computermanship, THIS web assignment allowed all charges against Brian Eller to be dropped after nearly being brought to trial for stealing $4.00
in coloured pencils from the NAU bookstore. Read the entire story here. See the video here.
06/11: Results! Walker-Reynolds Makes Marathon Debut: Some odd weeks ago, Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com
Referee Sensation Adam 'Walker' Reynolds made his marathon debut at the San Diego Rock'n'Roll Marathon. Reynolds gold ASU cross counrty shirt was attacking the race with a 2:50 pace but shortly after 16 miles, fell off that
pace to finish at 3:25. 14, good for 360th place (of 17,000 finishers). When asked about his race, Reynolds replied,
"I fucking hate Elvis! That fucker fucking cut me the fuck off....and I was going into my kicking gear!!" Reynolds did not blame Elvis
for his 400m personal best of 59 seconds.
Walker will now take off a couple months before training for the Tucson Marathon (hailed as the fastest USA Track and Field Marathon course in the country), where he guarantees he will break 3 hours.
We think he will, for, this year's motto is, 'The Tucson Marathon, where you suck if you can't break three!' However, this
year, the Tucson Marathon will be a Boston Qualifier where, for Walker-Reynolds, the time to beat is 3 hours and 10 Minutes. God Speed, Walker, God Speed. He also adds, 'Rod Sharpe is a turd trapper. He needs to crawl out from whatever rock he's hiding under nad run a marathon
with me.'
06/02: BoxingMania Four Named: However, it is still up for discussion if you got something
better. Reach it.
05/28: Retirement Post: A sad day in the world of BoxingMania was lived today. With retirement
declarations recieved from two of BM's OG's, a campaign is already under way to find more ASUperstars.
Last night at a special DVD-atrical debut of ' Pi' Bryon 'Losty McLostLost' Horton and David J. (For Juggernaut) Hohman officially declared retirement from BoxingMania competition. The on-site crowd of 40
or so fans held back most emotion, though a few widows cried harder for these two warriors than they did at their husbands
funerals. Hohman assured the crowd that they would be on-hand at all fights and will redirect their rage towards
local police officers as well as keeping about the same amount of effort focused on BoxingMania. Horton spoke first, claiming his reason for leaving included; not working, studying calculus, urinary tract infections,
and a recent proposal to ban inner-family fighting at boxingmania. He has agreed to take over a staff position under Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com
Founder David Hohman.
Horton leaves with a respected 2-1 record as well as a Boxingmania III headliner and a victory by headbutt.
Hotrton first hit the spotlight at boxingmania I when 'Smilin' Ronnie Buchannan pussied out of a match with Horton.
Losty then entered the ring and gave an open invitation for a fight. Watch the video of that night to see his victory. He
was then defeated in II and came back with a Boxingmania Classic against Derek 'The Wiz' Pisel. He was 19 when he retired.
Hohman gave a breif announcement to the crowd, noting that he 'didn't like being hit' and that 'I have recently
learned that chicks don't dig me as boxer.' He added that 'fucking with Deignan is a mistake for anybody' and a
promise for quality Fall BoxingMania. He then announced a newfound 'single' status at which the crowd changed from tears of sorrow to tears of
hope/joy. He finished by announcing recent (as in this weekend) plans to 'do some drinking and some fishun.'
He retired leaving behind no children and few unpaid parking tickets.
05/11: Valley of the Sun Accepts Hohman's Summer Visa: In an unsuspected phone call Tuesday
afternoon, Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com security guard, David Hohman, was asked to come work in Phoenix to fix what was
quoted as, "Some fucked up shit in the family buissness...this is why we don't hire women." Hohman agreed to make the trip
back up as soon as his speedometer quits jumping around everytime it sees a cop (which is rare in Tucson, but not in <insert
rude term for Scottsdale>). Though he has no place to stay as of now, Hohman reported that, "My truck has a bed for a reason."
He then winked to a young lady in the audience who, later, took him out for dinner where he did not give it up.
Hohman did note that this will not affect his fishing plans and even noted that, "I might go for bass instead of trout
now."
04/17: BoxingMania FOUR in planning!: Because of a high amount of BoxingMania III challenges,
an otherwise unplanned event is in the workings. Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com Personel Director, David Hohman, made this announcement
just after 9:00 pm. His first reasons were, "Lost Boy wants to have a 4th bout before the break, the late night thursday
BM3 schedule may not allow some folks to attend the fights," and "We want to go out with a bang that we know we can get at
4...if it goes down." However, later on, Hohman's true colours began to shine when he was quoted as saying, "I need another
Mania. I am scheduled for 3 but I seriously want to hit these two bitches upstairs in room 740." Depending on an
the outcome of BM3 and how much support 4 gets, then the decision will be made.
04/17: BoxingMania II Videos Up: Watch LostBoy v With A Hat or The Other fight c/o SuperAJ.Com. After these fights, please remember to bring lighting and video equipment to BM3.
04/16: Boxingmania2 photos up: A link on the bottom of the BoxingMania 2 Results page will take you to the photo page. Most are up...more pictures will be added in time.
04/15: Hohman Picked Up to Write For LA Based Site: 21 Pundit St. in an attempt to revamp its understaffed writing section has picked up Man0fSeas0ns.Tripod.Com Chief Financial Officer,
David 'Ballbreaker' Hohman. His award winning story, "Lost Boy Match Officialy Ended With Headbutt" made him the sites top
choice. Check the site out daily for his opinions.
04/14: A recent discussion with 'Super' AJ Flom:
MAN 0F SEAS0NS: howd it go this weekend?
SuperAJ1600: good shit
MAN 0F SEAS0NS: oh yeah?
MAN 0F SEAS0NS: good
SuperAJ1600:
wait are you talkin about track
MAN 0F SEAS0NS: yeah
SuperAJ1600: o no that was bad
SuperAJ1600: horrible
SuperAJ1600:
terrible shit
|
